Your Mom's House With Christina P. And Tom Segura

Drugs are powerful. People say what they wanna say. It's f***ed! We'll show you. If you like p***y does that make you a p***y magnet? Get ready for some great awful music. The White Girl Mob needs to look into comedy cause these videos are HILARIOUS for all the wrong reasons. Anthens rack em is dead! RIP. Also, Stevie is probably not going to be at our Nashville show. We'll tell you why (though you can probably guess). America's most annoying child celebrity, the incredibly delusional Jaden Smith spreads his stupidity thru twitter. Is anything better than a severely sick person starring in a sitcom? We don't think so either. You know what I'm sayin? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

These jeans need a wash. After a weeklong mini-tour of the South the mommies are back home and telling you how it all went down. Fast food and faster dumps. A pee latch for you car? Super fans and super douche bags - it's all out there. We talk about the joy of BBQ sauce and the horror of long drives and we even have to continue giving you that Jada Pinkett Knowledge, knaw meen? Twitter haters, we feel you. Your hate has hit home. Now please go find some love in your life. That's an order from your mother! We want to thank each and every one of you that came to our shows. May the denim be with you. And keep your feet off the dash, please.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sometimes you have to listen closely to hear all the magic that's in the air (air that escapes from our butt). Luckily, we had a microphone to Tommy's butt on the Bertcast and we've got the audio ready for you. Lil Debbie is a wanna be ratchet girl who really talks like a valley girl, but who cares? We keeps it real. Charo tells us another cab driving story only this time it's in Spanish and English and Spanish and Spangrish. Top Dog gets on the horn to discuss the diagnosis that he's a sociopath and Super Maria is FIRED UP about a RUDE lady at, where else, Starbucks. Plus we read from GG Allin's diary. This episode really covers all your basic dietary needs.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Get those jeans EXTRA tight if you plan on listening to this one! Your baby's grandfather AKA The Dutch Sommelier AKA The Full Charge, Matt Fulchiron is back from Puerto Rico and it's like he never left! Although Matt agrees that being Puerto Rican is like being Puerto Rican he also knows that the West Coast is the Best Coast and it's the best having him in the Mommy Dome. We talk about the horrors of sharing an NYC apartment, growing older, gagging while blowing (we tried it), more trigger songs and we even TRY to digest the BOSS. Plus we break down how bad early rap lyrics were. Keep em high! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you don't like the way things are done at your school, do what our South African friend does and bring a whip. Make it a quick class, very quick class! The mommies recap their tour of the South and all the calories that came with it. Cheese and PISSA and wings. So, so, so many wings. We share the Ricky Schroder/Webster story from JRE as we still can't enough of that cute, little, black son of a bitch. Chuck Woolery has a pretty crazy twitter account. We read some of it and then play some of the classics from Love Connection. My goodness do we love that show. Put 2 and 2 in your butt. Plus we play audio of a man who is disappointed in his prostitute. It's horrifying! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Guess who is OUR new best friend? Yeah, it's Alison Rosen and soon you will be calling her DEAREST MOMMY. Alison fit in like a new pair of extra tight jeans. She's not only a co-host on Adam Carolla and host of Alison Rosen Is Your New Best Friend, she's also Up for the Get Down and a total pro on the mic. It's so fun that we talked longer than usual and cover everything from Alison's new engagement to Trigger Songs that make you angry to Dental Updates and we even get in a Tom or Black that is an instant Classic! Have fun with this one. It's real JEANSY! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Our philosophy has always been push as hard as you can until it hurts and then tell us about it - and you did! Your poop triggers are fascinating and unique. STOP THE PRESS - Stevie has been sighted in Nashville! This is HUGE news. Please, if you are in the Nashville area approach with caution and let Stevie know that the mommies are coming to town! You gotta take care of your FEETSIES. You're saying a lot if your toes are all mashed up and flakey. Hands too. I guess Tommy is freakin out man cause his fingers are ALL chewey! Ewwwwww. Plus a huge video reveal: IFartInYoFace is the King A** Ripper and we celebrate his gift with all of you. All others bow in his presence or face his wrath (from his butthole)! Get a whiff of that! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you have a family that is overflowing with talent then you need to have a vision for the journey so the spirits can come together and be a business. That's a quote. Sort of. Listen to how the Will and Jada Smith's run their household. Be sure to have a bucket nearby - you might get sick. Some actors are also too talented for their own good, like Jared Leto or a pile of horse sh*t. Egos of this magnitude are fascinating. Ladies, if it's that time of the month, don't be selfish. Offer your "other" entry so that a man doesn't suffer just because you're "bleeding." Theo talks smack to Tina and a whole lot more! Jeans Forever! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Do you share your garden with your neighbors? No? You Pinocchio nosed whore! If all kinds of crazy is what you like then this is the episode for you! We revisit the genius that was Anne Ramsey (Throw Mama From The Train), a lady who can talk to animals spoke to Theo and she has something to say! Buns talks doin WORK in Richmond, fart fetishes are revealed by our listeners - YOU can't get enough! Plus airline perks should be obeyed, Would You Rather and more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Musical mommies are abundant! You sent in your tunes and we play some of them, but really, we have to admit that WE are the musical masters. Tina dropped "Animal Song" last time and this time Tommy brings the heat with "Butthole Song". Grammy's are A'callin'. Tight jeans are great, but not if they're low. You gotta pull em up! We're happy to announce that our bonus episode made it to iTunes and you made us #2! When you're Puerto Rican you're just Puerto Rican, especially if it's the Puerto Rican Day Parade! Ay Papi - Duro! The mommies are going on vacation thanks to Tina's pops, plus Candy Crush is DEE-LI-CIOUS. 7AM is a little early to flirt, ya'll!, plus we found a horrible woman who recorded herself being horrible. Keep it Jeansy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Texas was off boot kickin good time, ya'll! We tell ya all 'bout it! We want your crazy trucker stories, truckers. Tell us about lizard lots. Real Talk: Naked and Afraid is Lame and Dumb. Inside the Vietnam War is very informative and gets a pass on racial slurs - pretty awesome, huh? We never watch shows when they're hott, son. That's why Christina is just now watchin The Sopranos, you know what I'm sayin? Aunty FeeFee knocks it out of the park again. Just when you think she can't wrap God and something unrelated into a song, she blows your mind. Tommy and Tina give you the list of what they're most thankful for. What are you most thankful for? Beef? Your Phone? We have crack whores talkin smack before they shoot adult stuff too. It's a good day! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Wuss goin on here? Public dicks. How many have you seen? We recap a lifetime of sightings and the way they have affected us. Not only has the OG Ryan Sickler graced us with his feast-like presence we also have Tinas cousin Juli in the Mommy Dome. We talk about drugs that hit ya in a way you didn’t expect (NOT GOOD). We go over different types of Punk music (anarcho, crust, awful, etc.) and how much Christina still hates UB40 (the world’s greatest band?). What do you know about Sister Nancy? Prison dudes love booty and more! Go ahead and bookmark this as one of your favorite episodes yet. Cut holes in your jeans. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Matt Braunger AKA Six Finger Frank AKA The Dutch Welder AKA Happy Hamcakes is in the building. Comedian, actor and all around good buddy Matt sits down with us as we talk about how great it would be to have Tony Soprano as a father. After all, we are all White, which is a huge plus these days. We go DEEP with Matt as we share and discuss revelations about ourselves and how we discover truths and act on them (For Reals, dawg). Beware of PSYCHOS! They're not just characters on TV. They're everywhere and you probably know a few. Shia LaBeouf, pay attention here. We are back exploring the musical talents of the oozing-with-talent mega movie stars of the last 20 years. Eddie Murphy, Don Johnson and Russell Crowe all, uh, sing? The episode is the DOGS T*TS! (There's even a Lorenzo Lamas story) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Make Fitness! It's essential to a long life and having big arms. We talkin 22's, son! Whatchu know bout that? Tommy and Tina are working hard at being champs even though it sucks. We FINALLY resolve the butthole icecube debacle and it's pretty ramsted. Plus you can suck your momma. But we have even bigger news and that is that BRACE is back! Yeah, more Brace philosophy, more Brace juice and we address the question you've all been wanting to ask - DID BRACE TAKE "COOKIN IT" FROM THE MOMMY DOME?????? You'll just have to listen to find out. Suck your momma!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well if you aren't my mommy then who are you? Tommy spent the weekend in NYC with his close celebrity friends (no big deal) and shares his love for the great big ol' apple (is that the expression?). We revisit Tom's mom's obsession with everything Wu-Tang. Christina fixates on why she routinely tortures herself with caffeine and toothbrushes, while Tom does the same with his fingers. We discuss our desire for a psychologist to analyze comedic podcasters, play some of our new faves in REAL TALK, and finally introduce you to Christina's father with some primo audio! Be Her! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Mommy, mommy, oh mommy, mommy! Get ready for a good time. Fellow comedian and Southern Belle, Rory Scovel enters the mommy dome for the first time. Rory witnesses the unveiling of our producer, Blueban, to our Ustream audience, we then talk about a fun thing to try to your lover, more Beastie Boys love, couples that don't fart in front of each other, Cosby, shitty people that go to shows, Fill Her Up/Seal her shut, when eating pot goes wrong and more! Go to YourMomsHousePodcast.com for all the mommy magic! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sometimes when you say BIG WORDS people won't hire you any more, ya'll! We visit the Paula Deen debacle and encourage all of you to deny, deny, deny when asked if you say offensive words. Poor Paula even got dropped by Diabetes, ya'll - oh DYA BEETUS! Plus we investigate other celebs who have accidentally said the N-word but they were being recorded. Their careers may surprise you! The mommies also recap their week in the Dominican Republic that was a delight with the beach, the food, and the porno, porno, porno! There's brown talk and more! Get thinner jeans for these hot summer months.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

OMG, you guys. We got such a huge response to the Maria call that we revisit it and all its hilarity. According to Christina, Tommy doesn't show much excitement about anything. Well, that is, until you propose that he might be able to get away with murder! That's a fun scenario that we break down because everyone wants to do it, don't you agree? Tina and Tommy also talk about going back in time and what they would do if they could take each other on a first date knowing what they know now. As you can imagine, it's quite romantic. We read a listener email that asks the HARD questions. Do we answer them? Oh yeah. What would you do if you had 6 months to live? We do it real big. Tina has opened a savings account to go to space. Please donate.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

J-J-J-J-J Jeans Unit! Hello, meow. Thanks for getting that new fall line of denim for this episode. We wear our jeans at eye level on this one. Crack can make you cry and by cry, we mean, that's hilarious. The ORIGINAL MOMMY, Charo gets on the phone and tells us a story that will have you begging for even MORE MOMMY. We discuss the possibility that Top Dog is a true killer and Maria reveals news that is so big, so mind blowing we don't think the world is ready for it. Get ready for an epic episode. Peace, God.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey yo, hey yo! Dawg, I'm sayin. It's real. This one is dope. We got new songs for dat booty. The Full Charge is here and he's got news: A new album has arrived! Be sure to scoop it! OMG Maria is back and she's got something to say when I propose that she quote porn for us. Where do the farts come from? We explore pretty girls and gritty dudes. This one is special cuz The Concierge is here and Maria drops it on us. We think you know who the MAIN Mommy is. Believe that!!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices