A GreatHites Production
Read MeatBy Jeff Hite“Gary,” his doctor began, “you have to cut out some things from your diet. Not more kindles not more ipads or iphones, in general no more read meat.”“You mean, red meat right doc?”“No Gary, if I had meant red meat, I would have said red meat, I mean no more read meat. You’ve been consuming entirely too much technology of late.”“But I can’t get over the stuff I love it.”“Well you have got to stop.”“But what harm is it doing? I mean isn’t tech good?”“Yes, but too much and you can’t pay my bill.”
No Squid Left behind15/01/2012
No Squid Left BehindBy Jeff HiteWater world was a terrible movie. I don’t think anyone will argue that. But I think I have thought of a way that it could be a lot better. What if you introduced giant sea creatures to it. I mean if the entire planet was covered with water, there would be more oceans for them to grow in. Little things could get bigger and big things could be gianormous. Can you imagine a ten foot Maryland blue crab? And what about the epic battles between the Super blue whale and and ultimate giant squid. Can you imagine the ticket prices?
Hansel and Regrettel14/01/2012
Hansel and Regrettel By Jeff Hite“I really think we should go back now.” Grettel said to her brother.“But if we go back now, you know mother is just going to throw us out again.”“I really wish we had not broken the milk jar.”“Well if you hadn’t started swinging the broom around.”“I know I know.”“Do you think we should have let the geese out when we left? I mean that did seem like a little bit over over kill, and besides they caused us to be lost.”“Look quit complaining Regrettel, and help me find a way out of this cook pot.”
ExoplanetBy Jeff Hite“The Idea of exoplanets is so cool don’t you think?”“I don’t know Betty, I mean it is neat that there are other planets out there, but what good are they going to do us?”“Come on Jed use your imagination. What kind of life could be out there?”“I’m using my imagination, and I can see some pretty strange life right here. I mean have you ever been to L.A. or what about West Mineral Kansas, those folks are weird with that giant digging machine.”“It is called Big Brutus and I think it is kind of cool.”Big Brutus is a real attraction in West Mineral Kansas, I have been there more times than I care to admit.http://www.bigbrutus.org/index.html
The FixBy Jeff HiteJohn looked at his watch. “20 minutes.” He could not believe that it had only been 20 minutes. “What is this stuff, that it only lasts 20 minutes.”He looked at the packaging.“Quick fix, for when you just can’t wait for the real stuff. Warning this product is not meant for long term use and may only resolve your problems for a short amount of time.”He could hear the announcer's voice in his head as he read it. He sighed, “Well I guess you get what you pay for.” He picked up the other pill and took it.
DetentionBy Jeff Hite“The big house, jail, the slammer, detention, whatever you want to call it, yeah I spend some time there, why?”“Well I don’t know if Joe is read for a girl that has spent time behind bars.”“Why what’s he got against us jail birds?”“Well nothing, but you see he just lost his wife and well he is kind of on the rebound, I don’t know if he is really ready for anyone.”“What are you his mother?”“No, but I am his friend, and I don’t want to see Joe get hurt ok?”“Only if he wants it.”
MineBy Jeff Hite“Mine!” The demon in the parking garage screamed.“But this is my spot.” Steve whined.“Mine.” The demon screamed again this time advancing on his car.“But, really I have the parking tag and everything.”“Mine, mine, mine!”“Look I understand you are upset but I paid for this spot.”“Mine.”“I don’t know what I want you to do?”The demon looked at him for a moment, tilting its head to one side. “You have to go down to the parking office and tell them they gave you someone else’s spot, this is mine and you can’t have it.”
Skipping Stones By Jeff HiteSkipping Stones Audio“Well Sam there are a couple of things that you could do. The first, you could cut out most of the fatty foods, including the red meat and then you need to cut out things like milk and citrus at the same meal. They tend to calcify and that what causes these stones in the first place. However, you are going to have to pass these. We can try to break these up using ultra sound but it will not be much fun I’m afraid. Any questions?” The doctor finally took a breath.“Well yeah, how do I skip these stones.”
The Speed of Pie and Ice Cream08/01/2012
The Speed of Pie and Ice CreamBy Jeff HiteI once had someone one ask me what the speed of light was, the answer is one. It is always one. One foot per nanosecond. It is not exact, but at that kind of measurement who is really counting. Besides, if you were going to do any real calculations with it you would need to convert everything else from meters to feet and nanoseconds. And since there are 3.28 feet per meter, it makes the other numbers kind of messy. But if you want to bet your friends for some pie and ice cream, one is a good number.
The Mars Colony Thought Experiment30/12/2011
The idea of a Martian Colony is nothing new. Buzz Aldrin, you know the second man on the moon, himself has said that we need to skip the moon all together and head to Mars not as an expedition of scientists and researchers, but as a group of people who would start a colony. Great thinking and physicist Steven Hawking has said, and I am para phrasing here, The longer we keep all of our population on Earth with out expansion the more likely it is that some terrible thing will happen to wipe us all out. When you look at the state of the world around us can you really disagree?The JourneyI invite you to join us as we look at what it would take to make the journey to Mars. Click here For more information about the project
I Vacuum By Jeffrey HiteEvery night I vacuum the rug. Every morning I wake up and there are foot prints on my rug. I vacuum.Foot prints.I vacuum.Foot prints.Little tiny foot prints!Finally a bought a night vision, inferred camera. I caught the little beasts making foot prints all over my rug. They were little elves or gnomes or something. I also caught them fixing the broken wires on my stereo, and the loose screws in the furniture. They did everything, everything that is but wipe their feet before they came in the house. So I vacuum and they leave footprints.
The PrincessBy Jeff HiteThe Princess lay in her tower asleep for nearly 100 years. The Prince, selected to be the one to wake her after generations, stood over her watching the seconds tick by. Hhe had made his way through the thorn forest and and the castle grounds he had seen the people whose lives would or had already ended with this one kiss. It didn’t seem fair, the other men who had died thinking they could fight past the trees to inherit the kingdom, the servants who slept and would disappear once she awoke. Instead he turned away and left.This is a much shorter version of a retelling of Sleeping Beauty that I am working on. My version is already in the 4000 word range, but this pretty much captures the essence of the story
The Boy Who Never Laughed28/12/2011
The Boy Who Never LaughedBy J. Hite“There was a boy who lived in this house at one time, why do you ask?” The realtor asked.“Oh no reason.” The little boy replied twisting his finger.“Well it was a very sad story about him."”“Did he die here?”“Oh no nothing like that. He didn’t have any friends.”“Why didn’t he have any friends, was he ugly? Did he smell bad? I know I bet it was that he was mean, and shove people’s heads into their lockers.”“No nothing like that. He always picked his nose.”The little boy pulled his finger out of his nose and blushed.The Story's Inspiration
The ShipBy J. Hite“It was there and then it wasn’t I tell ya.”“Alright Gramps but was it there when you pulled the collision alarm?”“It was there, I might be old but I am not stupid.”“Well... So tell us about this ship you think you saw.”“It was pretty foggy.”“So maybe it wasn’t there?”“It was there! It was there, It has three masts.”“So a sailing rig?”“Exactly. It was moving slowly, only the main sail was up. But it was right in front of us. Then it wasn’t.”“Hmm sounds like a case for Scooby Doo to me.