Doctor Who: The Krynoid Podcast

“My legs! My legs!” Zero out of a million on the tact front from Ian, crowing about his pins when surrounded by legless Daleks. Actually, they haven’t touched a drop but they have experimented with some freaky hallucinogens from their peacenik neighbours. So this is the TARDIS foursome’s first awayday – The Daleks – and where better to visit than a quiet, pollen-free forest with nearby amenities, including free toilet rolls, gratis green grocery and more mercury than you could ever need (especially if you don’t need any). But have some Thals found their own forbidden fruit? Has the tripping Dalek come down yet? How many more legs does Alydon have than Ian? And where would Jim and Martin place the story on the evolutionary continuum from joke shop fake to perfect paragon? Listen to find out.

"Weirdos!" It’s not often that a Doctor Who story reviews Jim and Martin but this is the topsy-turvy world of The Greatest Show in the Galaxy. It’s all a bit of a circus as the Ringmaster puts the 'c' into 'rap', a foxy artiste blames it on the moonlight and the Chief Clown grins all the way to the emergency dentist. Ace is victim to some violent conducting and the Doctor prances, prestidigitates and experiences a warm burst on his exit. Peaceful hippy Bellboy makes killer robots, Deadbeat mopes around waiting for Lovejoy to turn up and Mystic Morgana wishes she’d never agreed to a fan meet-and-greet. Captain Cook bores himself to death, a new stand-up dies on stage and Peggy Mount proves to be the Worst Dinner Lady in the Galaxy. So did Jim and Martin enjoy the roar of the greasepaint and the smell of the non-existent crowd? Or were they reaching for their zero score cards? Listen to find out and to hear the lads review the Tom Baker and James Goss novel, Scratchman.

“I’ve lost my sonic screwdriver. I feel completely lost without it.” Lost? Modern Doctors would need resuscitating. Yes, it’s back to basics with The Sontaran Experiment, wherein hairy rock dwellers set traps, chuck rocks and threaten people with hot sticks. Undeterred, Sarah channels Margo Leadbetter, Harry tries out some mucus-based medicine and the Doctor whistles the Spitting Image classic “I’ve Never Met A Nice South African.” Meanwhile Styre suffers from short man syndrome and displays his confusion at having a female boss by torturing men, wearing guyliner and fouling his own living space. It all leaves him a tad deflated. But at least everyone gets to take a breather and watch two newcomers have a roll in the heather. Not like that. So did Jim and Martin enjoy the overcast uplands of The Sontaran Experiment or did they fake collarbone fractures to escape watching it? Find out here.

“He says he’s a frog doctor, sir.” Let’s have some fanfic where the Troughton and Whittaker Doctors combine forces to heal a lonely amphibian universe. Actually… let’s not. No, this is The Highlanders, where you could be excused for thinking the Doctor’s bizarre accent was French and that his hat was a Goth’s traffic bollard. It’s a second outing for the second Doctor but 18th Century Scotland fares poorly on Cosmic Trip Adviser, with its dog biscuits, corked wine and one-star wet room. And you’ll find the locals unwelcoming and the English tourists somewhat invasive. But the TARDIS team do indulge in recreational pursuits. Ben swims, the Doctor headbangs, Jamie toys with his dirk and Polly manages to avoid fifty shades of Solicitor Grey. But did Jim and Martin think The Highlanders was pure dead brilliant or did it warrant the Ff-bomb? Listen to find out.

Merry Christmas! And let's hope it stays merry after listening to Jim and Martin discussing the Series 11 episodes not yet covered in the Krynoid PodCast, and then the series as a whole. We play out with John Gonzalez's Christmas-tinged rendition of the Doctor Who theme (find it on YouTube https://youtu.be/6KVhSNS_xU8) Hearty thanks from the Green Cathedral to everyone who's listened, tweeted, retweeted, followed, liked and provided feedback over 2018. We'll be back in January 2019. Until then, Happy New Year!

“There’s your monster maker… Caught in the act.” And lo… Barry Letts did advance upon him, spitting tacks and brandishing a rubber T-Rex, with insertion on his mind. Yes, this is yer actual Invasion of the Dinosaurs – a tale of double talk, double-crosses and double denim. The Doctor drives stuff, Sarah discovers stuff and Yates says “Stuff you!” to his UNIT family (and to everyone outside the central London elite bubble). Have the cast been selectively aged and rejuvenated by Whitaker’s time experiments? Is the science as shaky as the Whitehall walls? And is it worth gambling your house on? Will Lis Sladen ever get the underwear she doesn’t need? And where will Jim and Martin place the story on a scale of Jurassic Park to The Goodies? To find out the answers to some or none of these questions, listen here.

"I'm bored." Well, if you can't stand the ennui, get out of the kitchen. Yes, we're in the strange and underfunded world of The Celestial Toymaker where the fun barely starts. The Doctor single-handedly plays the world's worst spectator sport, while Steven and Dodo are forced to tackle 'sighted-man's buff', 'spot the comfy chair' and 'hunt the dramatic tension'. And, if you think Strictly seems to go on forever, try the Toymaker's version, aka They Shoot Time Travellers, Don't They? Along the way they meet a mute clown, a clown you wish was mute, the 1966 'Mr & Mrs' champions, a cockernee cook, a (low) Quality Street soldier and the copyright-skirting Billy Butner of Greyflyers School. Dodo reveals that she's all tells and no poker face, Steven tries not to kill everyone in sight (especially Dodo) and the Doctor unleashes his inner Mike Yarwood. So did Jim and Martin dive into the fun like toddlers on tartrazine or would they have preferred to have joined Hartnell in Bognor? Find ou

“Boing! Boing!” The unmistakable sound of the bells of Seville (and nothing to do with Peri running down a hillside). So the JN-T holiday charabanc ends up in Spain in 1985 and his latest jaunt promises country yomps, moth collecting and acid sports, with dinner thrown in – several times over. The Two Doctors manage to keep out of each other’s way for the most part as Sixie angles for centre stage, leaving his former self to a compulsory makeover, while Peri tries a new accent and Jamie just tries it on. Meanwhile Shockeye wants the special stuff, Chessene wants special treatment and the superfluous Sontarans await their special appearance with He Who Can No Longer Be Named. But did the story leave Jim and Martin replete and content or suffering from raging heartburn? Listen to find out.

“Now go on. Ben can catch his ship and become an Admiral and you, Polly, you can look after Ben.” The Doctor reminds Ben and Polly they’re back in 1966 – a time (and indeed date) menaced by War Machines, alien shape-shifters, Daleks and gender stereotyping. They also have to contend with dodgy pilots, aliens with zero personality, lethal haberdashery and a cross-dressing Beatles lookalike. The Doctor gets the cold shoulder, Jamie gets snogged, Polly gets duplicated and Ben gets lost, while our plucky quasi-companion plays amateur sleuth, armed only with a sharp tongue and a crap hat. So do Jim and Martin think The Faceless Ones soars into the stratosphere or plummets like a zapped fighter pilot? Listen to find out.

"Is that finger loaded?" A good question because nothing is as it seems in Devesham-on-Oseidon. The horse-brasses are plastic, the dartboard has a functional bullseye and the ginger beer may not be The Real Thing (but its supply is inexhaustible). Then there's Guy Crayford, who has a spacesuit of vacuum-resistant denim, incomplete underpants and an eye-patch which is purely cosmetic. And, behind the scenes, the horny Kraals are eager to spread their infection and have been using fake UNIT personnel for practice. But did Jim and Martin find The Android Invasion to be the real McCoy or as phoney as a Devesham publican? Find out here.

"You've got some of it on your hands and you didn't tell us anything about it. It was very wrong of you, wasn't it?" The Doctor makes Barbara feel small with a little ticking off. Fair enough though - she had almost died from the stiffest of upper lips (and a dangerously unbathed ankle). Eco-whistleblower Arnold Farrow fares even worse with a slug in the chest and a ruined holiday, while his murderer - Mr (D?) Forester - escapes with a burnt aerosol and a bloody nose. But the bloody nosey Hilda and PC Bert save the day. Ian has a knees-up in a matchbox, Susan shins up a drainpipe and the Doctor's spirits sink in a basin as the regular cast prove there are no small roles, just small actors. So did Jim and Martin find that good things come in small packages or that size really does matter? Listen to find out.

"What is this horrendous place?" Well, Nyssa, it's Terminus - a place to which Bor was presumably drawn by nominative determinism. It's a drab old hospital where the porters are metal, the doctors are Goths and the burglars are New Romantics. The Doctor wins a fight, Nyssa loses her skirt and Tegan draws the short straw, what with Turlough staring at her posterior and the extras revealing her upper assets. Did Olvir train at the Wayne Sleep Combat Academy? Is the Doctor's creepy CCTV standard TARDIS issue? Do the Vanir have enough dog poop bags to last until their next Ocado delivery? And did Jim and Martin find Terminus to be a real tonic or some used Hydromel? Find out here...

"No complications." That infamous moment when the first Ogron on the left accidentally reveals his MENSA potential to his masters but no-one bats a shiny eyelid. Yes, this is Day of the Daleks in which our intrepid TARDIS twosome wine, dine and enjoy a ride, while Yates pulls rank, Benton pulls out of a minor skirmish and the Brig pulls his hair out as he defends world peace from humans and aliens alike while, no doubt, also taking in washing and doing a paper round. Will the Jeep Pronto ever make it to market? Why do people keep giving the Controller dirty looks? Is it his personal hygiene? Or is it because the only kid he ever charges for his sweets is poverty-stricken Charlie Bucket? And why are the Daleks wasting resources on their minions' make-up when their vital attack force wouldn't fill a football team? Jim and Martin ponder these questions and try to decide whether this is a red-letter day or 24 hours of ennui. Listen in for their verdict.

"The Doctor's almost as clever as I am." Zoe Heriot may be the Krotons' pet but she must have been expelled from modesty school. Yes, this is The Krotons, a saga of sub-standard scientists, snaky CCTV spies and shouty fridges from another world. The Doctor flunks, Jamie fights and Zoe infuriates while the Gonds lack the gonads to take on their reclusive rulers. Will Beta reveal the secret of transmat to his backward brethren (or is it still at Beta stage)? From which Brummie enclave of Johannesburg do the Krotons hail? Will the Doctor's twanged nipple ever recover? And do Jim and Martin think the story is the work of High Brains or should it be dispersed? Find out here.

"Never trust a man with dirty fingernails." ...Or a face like a Shar Pei's nether regions. Especially if he exacerbates London's rodent problem, takes advantage of young scrubbers and test-drives prototype orgasmatrons. Yes, this is The Talons of Weng-Chiang - a strange (Robert) Holmesian melodrama where people pop poison pills, ventriloquist dummies are hands-free and Birmingham has cornered the Chinese firearms market. Leela takes some clothes, the Doctor takes a boat trip, Jago takes fright and Litefoot takes delivery of a surprise hamper, while Chang prestidigitates, Mr Sin recidivates and a mad old crone expectorates. So do Jim and Martin think this is a superlative specimen of Seventies sci-fi or do they smell a rat? Find out here.

"I hate conducted tours." Dodo single-handedly sows the seeds of the Doctor Who Experience's eventual demise, way back in 1966. This month we find ourselves in a land where greedy leaders feather their own nests at the expense of the downtrodden underclass. And it's much the same in Doctor Who's The Savages, screened some 52 years ago (badum tish!) The Doctor is drained, Steven is ordained and Dodo is reined-in on a world where the big city holds no attraction for our clan of outsiders, a bunch of sapped saps with their very own cheeky girl (but mercifully no Lembit Opik). Who else gets to use the Doctor's vibrator? Did Jano and his mates manage to video The Daleks' Master Plan? Who's producing destructive vapours and shouldn't their diet be looked at?  And did Jim and Martin find The Savages to be a shot in the arm or an enervating experience? Tune in to find out.

"Let's make this baby fly!" Said the uncool and un-Welsh Welsh rock 'n' roller Billy, who refrains (perhaps disappointingly) from drop-kicking the Chimeron child over the Shangri-La camp's Olympic size swimming pool. Yes, it's time to take a look at the distinctly odd Delta and the Bannermen, a tale of a baffling bee-keeper, unnecessary Americans, a shot-down stand-up and life-size plastic soldiers with lockjaw. When will Ray realise that she's barking up the wrong tree? When will Billy realise he's sniffing around the wrong species? Will the Bannermen have a whip round to get Gavrok a barbecue? And can the Flying Pickets achieve further chart success now their leader has been reduced to smoking footwear? Don't expect to find the answers here as Jim and Martin struggle to decide whether to mark the story hi-de-high or hi-de-low.

"You have returned to us, Doctor. Your travels are over." But thankfully not forever. It was, indeed, a long way from being all over.  So Jim and Martin stagger to their century milestone with their biggest story yet, The War Games. It's an epic tale of trials, tribulations, heavily corrected (and impaired) vision, and a Very. Stupid. Voice. The Doctor plays with fridge magnets, Jamie plays the fool, Zoe plays Villa like a violin and the War Lord plays with his real live toy soldiers - and gets a Paddington stare for his trouble. Romans gawp and mince, wigs wander almost as far as the accents, and the scenery is chewed up, gargled and spat out - even when it's as wobbly as a Quark under enemy fire. So do Jim and Martin think this is a worthy end for a very worthy Doctor? Or was it ten parts of terrible tedium? Listen in to find out.

"A delightfully unexpected afternoon." Well it won't take up much of your afternoon and there's very little that's unexpected here. For this is Black Orchid - a ripping yarn of bronchial brothers, lippy bookworms, smutty absentees and a child bride who's passed around like a gold ball at a Telosian rugby match. The Doctor plays the clown, Tegan cuts a rug, Nyssa finds her double and Adric eats double his body weight in finger food.  But who is the tweed-trousered killer who's friends with an Amazonian Indian? Could he possibly have any connection with  Charles "not one of the Worcester Woosters" Cranleigh whose brother disappeared on an Amazonian expedition? And who is the piratical prat with the badge for mathematical excellence? Listen to find out...

"I don't work for anybody. I'm just having fun." Not so much fun for the cold turkeys, the cattle-prodded Mandrels and the eviscerated punters on the good ship Empress though. Yes, this is Nightmare of Eden and 'nightmare' could be seen as an apposite epithet by the crew and viewer alike. It's a heady cocktail of spiked drinks, unfortunate zips and insurance policy wordings. K9 needs some obedience classes, the Doctor shrieks about his extremities and Romana gets a nasty love bite (but not as nasty as her dress), while Tryst accentuates the silliness, Fisk makes it uniformly worse and Rigg turns on, tunes in and drops out. So did Jim and Martin find the story as first class as the toilet facilities or were they glad when the nightmare was over? Find out here.