Rum Doings

Welcome to Episode 33 of Rum Doings, an episode with a lot of introduction. Not discussed is whether Andy Murray has given up his hope to be the golden boy of British tennis. Our slightly room temperature root beers come from a fridge that later investigation revealed to in fact be on 3. Put your fridges to 4, everybody. We then attempt nostalgia comedy of the present, before drinking our illegal beverage. Nick does a splendid impression of a loud noise you'll have just heard, and then we talk Thatcher. We reveal why John's girlfriend has had to be put down, the Nazi origins of John's new car, and Nick explains why fried chicken is best. Christianity is renamed, houses are purchased through staring, and incredibly, John is doing some exercise. Nick dies, John's hirsute nature is discussed, we ponder those who swim, and we laugh at butterfly stroke.

In our 32nd podcast, with Nick fully recovered from last week's cold, we don't discuss EEEEEEEERRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. We cover all bases when discussing football, ponder Trident, and wonder if cream teas work abroad. Then via coming out stories we discuss the James Randi Educational Foundation million dollar prize, dowsing, and how cold reading works. Then there's memories of some of the funniest moments of Magician Uri Geller looking like a fraud and a fool. Unfortunately the programme On Holiday With The Gellers is not on 4oD. Sadly we cannot link to the clip from Leverage, due to the pathetic stupidity of TNT demanding that the free promotion of the programme be removed from YouTube. But we do discuss a number of television programmes that have professed to demonstrate paranormal powers, and some that have set out to do the opposite. We consider the complexity of stochasticity, the uncomfortable nature of pranks, and we wonder at the wisdom of the NHS's "Wake Up To Rape" campaign

In an unprecedented 31st episode of Rum Doings we don't discuss whether we are dissatisfied with the results of the Liberal Tory coalition. Instead we attempt to muster some sense of interest in the football, but far more quickly find rounders and six year old cricket more interesting. There's thoughts on how Americans are much better at spelling than the British, potential new reality shows, and Biker Grove facts. Can you own slippers without a pipe? Who is the best audience for easy comedy? And how tidy should your desktop be? And we explore new territory in removing the funny from comedy. We recall our most dangerous teachers, and most criminal teachers, and plans to help gym teachers. Court-based naughty steps, short-cuts in French, and idling on runways. Then some clear rules about speaking on public transport.

As you know we mark our every 10th episode with something very special. Our Now Show edition, special celebrity guest John Finnemore, and then for episode 30... John's girlfriend Laura! Calm down. Yes, indeed, episode 30 of Rum Doings contains a girl. Ew. The topic of this episode to not discuss: What are we to do about the tragedy of the increasing dearth of Britain's dwindling bees. Population. Obviously we recognise that a girl being on the podcast will upset a lot of people, so if you wish to send her hate mail, please address it to this address. We wonder at how a couple splits its mp3 collection, slander John's childhood girlfriends, and and listen as John's cat Dexter pathetically mews at the door. We concur that the Midlands are in the North, and then make sure we lose all our Midlander listeners. There's discussion of how bad episode 1 was, and how Laura is mad. Which science is best, and why Nick doesn't believe in Thor. John's job is pulled to pieces, with suggestions of features about Dexter

Welcome to a live episode 29 of Rum Doings, recorded at the precise moment you choose to listen to it. Nick begins with a quick impression of John's girlfriend, before explaining our topic for the day: Do we in England still have any politicians who are honest now, left? Dark secrets are revealed about the prisoners in John's basement, and then his racism against glasses. Nick demonstrates some rather disturbing biological news, reveals Michael Jackson's tastes in cervixceeses, and John attempts an Elmo impression. Find out how you are made of Coco Pops. We leap from National Trust houses to the powerful effect of John's kisses. Can you polish a turd? And then our treatise on how everything must be done in one trip. And unshopping. Lenny Henry joins the Radio 4 Curse, Money Box Live fails to get a caller under 90, and we remember what we found funny when we were stupid. Nick then courts controversy once more, raising our most comment-enangering subject once again. And so on.

Rum Doings is not discussing: Why can an Englishman not defend his home by shooting a burglar in the back. This week John has a headache. So we talk about headaches. You know how we are. What else do we bring up? Television programmes we enjoy watching with our eyes. More dangerous ways of distributing gas. We argue about Doctor Who and sitcoms. We realise Rum Doings needs a trombonist. In fact, most of an orchestra. Of buskers. We learn how Nick lets his daughter suffocate, how long John's been a crybaby, and plans for genre twists. Can you Chinese-burn yourself? Can you touch your own winky? And what exactly is the fabric of our universe? And why don't the Jews like it?

Crikey-o-blimey! We're back! After a volcano-encouraged break, Rum Doings returns with episode 26 to not discuss whether the Americanisation of Britain gone one step too far? Instead John struggles with pomegranate wine, we ponder super-tasting, the merits of Marmite, and the Queen's insatiable loins. Inevitably we talk election, but having recorded this before Tuesday night, we weren't aware who our new King was to be. There's thoughts on the peculiar imbalance of political leanings in the press compared to the population, the difference between Scotland and England, and the source of John's self-loathing. Then we even discuss money stuff things. After the frivolity of this politics business, we then turn our attentions toward more serious matters: poo poo and wee wee. Inspired by a three year old, we consider the merits of poo, and what various people may look like as they perform one. Then we ascend to talk of asparagus wee, and the corrupted souls of those who cannot produce this potion, including nano

This week we neither discuss whether all drugs should be legalised, nor whether all drugs should be illegalised. Instead we tuck in to some absolutely delicious honey rum, and begin reading out some listener emails. We ponder vanilla ice cream, John's 30th birthday and his anti-social ways, which is the best time of day on a fuzzy clock, and analyse whether QI is the primary source of all sexism. Should dads post on Mumsnet? What do we think about airports? Are games journalists bribed? Did the games industry survive the piracy of the 80s? Can Nick break up Rock, Paper, Shotgun? We ponder the comedy of French & Saunders, and then condemn those who pretend not to care when planes take off. And then wonder about astronauts' private time.

This week, in episode 24, we don't discuss: What with internet, the Facebook, Wiki and YouTubes, has information overload gotten the better of us? Instead we discuss only two things: stand up comedy and politics. But hopefully with enough varied approaches that it's not quite as dull as that description sounds. How could it be? We're the best! So we ask why are the most popular mainstream comics so popular, and what we wish they would do instead. We explore the difference between British and US stand up, and then via Stewart Lee we think about the BBC's Top Gear. This then moves onto a discussion about UKIP, and why they're trouble. Then more thoughts on the various parties in the forthcoming UK elections. And rum.

This week we welcome back Martin Coxall for a second appearance, after last week's was so lovely with him. Don't worry if you're a purest - we've since had him sealed in concrete and buried in the North Sea, and next time it will be back to just Nick and John. The topic not under discussion is: Is the creeping cancer of violent videogames corrupting our kiddies? Moving quickly on, we discover that John wants to be a tall poppy, and then move on to the drinks Martin bought for us. A tub of coconut milk, and a tin of Nourishmilk. Which will be so revolting we pour it down the sink? How can you resist finding out? Then discover what Nick and Martin really think of John when he's out the room. Find out how to circumnavigate a gastric band, and then discussions of the two types of hunger. Nick then lectures two fat people on how to be thin, which inevitably means discussing the Cheesecake Factory and desserts. Then a really quite heated debate about strawberries, woolly jumper apples, the ripeness of bananas, an

This week we're not discussing: Is Britain now too much in the thrall of the celebrity culture? Which is harder to say than you might imagine. Joining us this week, as a special guest, is non-celebrity and friend of ours, Martin Coxall. Nick and I have known him for almost as long as we've known each other, so he's a natural inclusion into this nonsense. Martin sits in the creaky chair, and provides the creaking John would more usually offer. Things begin with criticising John's road rage, then criticising John's pronunciation of years, and a quick insult to the pope. Then we open the mysterious bag containing a mystery rum gift from Victoria, Nick's wife. What will it be? Will it inevitably be horrible? But then, calamity! An entire pint of coffee is spilt on the carpet, and gets dangerously close to dominating the entire recording. Which is better for you? Special K, or Frosties? We reveal the TRUTH. Then we rant against the sanctimonious nature of breakfast cereals, the fear of buying tampons, and then

Recording in Nick's brother's "studio", in episode 21 we immediately find ourselves discussing the splendid subject of slugs. Before we've even introduced the subject we aren't discussing. Which is: Is bad language the sign of a poor vocabulary, and a poorer imagination? Have you ever rifled through someone's bathroom cabinet? Surely no one really would. But what about interviewing technique? Should you allow the interviewee to answer a question? And how about the works of Mr and Mrs Christ's Enterprise? These are things we talk about! There's chat about conspiracists, the absolute fact that the Taleban is the Queen's personal army, and then we celebrate mighty man of history, King Cnut. Gravelly-voiced singers, the perils of copyright, and Nick's fascinating discussion of the colour of the sky, all bring us to the ultimate email we've received. I use "ultimate" quite deliberately. I feel quite sure it can't be beaten. If you want to prove us wrong, contact us here. Find out quite how uncommitted you are co

In a very special edition of Rum Doings, we are joined by comedy writer John Finnemore. We have discussed Finnemore's work on Rum Doings in the past, especially the fantastic Radio 4 sitcom Cabin Pressure. He's worked on very many radio and television comedies, perhaps most notably as a lead writer for Mitchell & Webb on both Radio 4 and the BBC, and despite this still agreed to join us for our twentieth episode. The topic not under discussion this week is: how are we going to inoculate ourselves against Britain's road rage epidemic. You'll not be surprised to learn much of the topics this week are radio comedy - a subject we've spoken about a great deal before. We begin with Cabin Pressure, and quickly move on to the sitcoms that inspired Finnemore, especially Yes Minister. Find out which surprising 70s sitcom David Mitchell is a fan of, as well as a brief dissection of The Fall And Rise Of Reginald Perrin. Nick attempts to get John in trouble, telling tales about his disliking of Fawlty Towers, and then e

This week's topic isn't: Why are we English too ASHAMED to celebrate St. George's Day with due dignity and respect, properly? Which is embarrassing to even type. Things more realistically begin with an explanation of the spiteful nature of tea, pet names for pets, and that which we've changed from hating to liking. Find out what temperature we've decided will keep your babies alive, and how John disagrees with all baby-based wisdom, leading to Nick denying his daughter her wings. Of course we talk about Mr Blobby, and Noel's House Party, and the Late Late Breakfast Show. But you'd been expecting that. And find out who electrocuted an elephant to death. Hear Nick play the mouth-banjo. Don't hear Nick tell his Oxford interview story. But do hear stories of examinations. This takes us back to school days, remembering teachers good and bad, and times we went out of our way to get in trouble. And then, more positively, favourite teachers.

In an unprecedented eighteenth episode of Rum Doings we don't discuss what we will do on Earth about potholes. However, we do quite brilliantly demonstrate how to drink. And then immediately return to our favourite topic of recent times: ketchup. Via some quite astonishing observation comedy, of course. But we promise the ketchup talk is confined to only the beginning. Then there's happy stories of service experiences, which leads us to what will be remembered by history as the greatest series of "time" themed puns mankind has ever heard. And welcome to the new job title: the shorekeeper. Then there's Nick's racist t-shirt and his mule child. Then it's time for part two of The Rules, which those who didn't want us to do any more will be pleased to learn completes the collection. Where we learn that all our listeners should all embrace death, because they can't be bothered to promote us or write to us.

In our seventeenth episode of Rum Doings we don't ask the question: Who will diffuse Britain's ticking immigration time-bomb? Instead we focus on more pressing matters: plum jam and ketchup. We briefly recognise how awful the Simpsons is, before tucking into a glass of plum sake, and moving on to the dominant subject of the episode: Britain's miserly distribution of tomato ketchup. This episode, recorded on Monday, refers to the harrowing events of the preceding Valentine's Day. Along the way we explore the options for entertainment available at Cheddar Gorge for a remarkable bargain price! When we finally get to the restaurant story you can enjoy Nick's precise use of the word "niggardly", and then join us in our celebration of British service culture.

We're not afraid to not discuss the subjects that aren't topical, and such it is that we're not discussing the true meaning of Christmas. Instead we begin with a celebration of oat milk, whatever on Earth it might be. First the carton is dissected, and then the insides are consumed. Will we like it? Will we paw at our tongues?

It's the fifteenth episode. They said it would never last this long. This "they" being the people who knew we were going to try to drink Tesco Value White Rum. This week not under discussion is the matter: has the iPad lived up to the media hype? So instead we talk about John's loss of nomenclature, and then almost kill ourselves with a frighteningly awful liquid. This week's episode is mostly dictated by the commands of one "Royston", who left a comment on episode 13 in which he listed subjects he would like to hear discussed. Somehow missing his opening entry, "Wales", we otherwise followed his instructions. Which were: St Wilgefortis Battlestar Galactica Action Figures Sufjan Stevens Favoured Condiments

Persisting in this new weekly habit, Rum Doings episode 14 certainly doesn't discuss its chosen topic, What Should We Do About The Wheeliebin? It's with troubling enthusiasm that we begin this latest episode, despite the blatant lack of rum in our hands. Your rules, we don't play by them. This week our drink is, instead, honeybush tea. Things we do talk about include the paradoxical anomaly that is BBC 1's Outnumbered, why Russell Davies doesn't deserve his "T", the plot holes in Press Gang, obviousness in writing, and ask why can't people enjoy their superpowers? There's revelations of Michael Moore, and then of course the discussion we've all be expecting: who should be the next Archbishop of Canterbury. Then, at long last, Nick's brief lecture on Derrida. Which is genuinely our most requested topic.

Distracted by a new rum, we take a long time to get around to introducing the topic we're not discussing: Whatever happened to sitting down for dinner as a whole family? Instead we find ourselves discussing Scientology, random word snap, and then dive head-first into a chasm of self-indulgence, and discuss the Rum Doings origin story. How John and Nick met, the creation of (the now deceased) Glebe's Thrift Funnel, and then our dalliance with the stars. As regular listeners will remember, Nick and John have a "no false modesty" rule, and included in this is what so many call "name-dropping", but we call "talking about people we met." We relate the stories of our adventures in the nineties in which we met many of our heroes.