Doctor Who: The Krynoid Podcast

"Well thank you, Brigadier! But do you think that for once in your life you could manage to arrive before the nick of time?" I'd leave it another half hour next time if I was you, Brig. Yes, the third Doctor is being as pleasant as a fart in a spacesuit again, this time in The Mind of Evil - a six-part saga of surprised screws, conniving cons, a bucket of evil and 1971's Cigar Smoker of the Year. The Doctor crosses his eyes, the Master mesmerises with his eyes and Jo chucks hot tea into an inmate's eyes - all part of a day's work for UNIT, a small organisation tasked with running peace conferences, escorting missiles, protecting the Earth and, no doubt, taking in washing. But is Chin Lee really the only 'dolly' Chinese girl in Europe? Why is the Master menaced by a coke float? And is any swarfega tagliatelle ever really complete without a sun-dried glass eye? Listen in to hear the answers to none of these questions.

"It's not exactly dull travelling with the Doctor." Not normally, Tegan. Not normally... But this is the season 19 closer, Time-Flight, in which the Doctor seems to be under heavy sedation, OmNyssia knows all the answers, Tegan remains an air hostess (not that she ever hints at this) and Adric is still dead (mercifully). The Master is at large too, coercing a plane-full of extras into caressing an inner sanctum, wherein lies a battery crammed full of blokes and an orang-utan's family jewels. He also finds time to co-ordinate a platoon of turd men, all while nursing a projectile cold. But which passenger is Victor Foxtrot? Why is Concorde's progress monitored from a broom cupboard? And why on (prehistoric) Earth is the Master cosplaying as the last Widow Twankey in the job centre, even when he's on his Jack Jones? Listen in to hear Jim, Martin and special guest Ian Atkins pick through the wreckage.

"Usually I only entertain friends in the TARDIS." Everyone off to the tinselled Type 40 then for some serious wassailing! Like all the best parties, we'll no doubt end up clustered around the food machine. Yes, it's our snow-capped Christmas 2015 edition in which Jim and Martin cast their occuloid trackers over the 1975 Tom Baker space epic (Forbidden) Planet of Evil and then appraise - but not unanimously praise - the last four episodes of 2015's Series 9, all under the influence of listener-brewed ale! Many questions arise... How much chest-hair should Morestran men of a certain age be revealing? Is a visit to Blackpool really that scary? And did Clara's 479th tear-stained death leave the lads' eyes as red as Sorenson's? Listen and find out!

"Is this how time normally passes? Really slowly and in the right order?" No, not a comment from one of our long-suffering listeners but one of the many amusing lines from Vincent and the Doctor, in which the Doctor tilts at wind, Amy is a typical Brit abroad (either shouting at or chatting up the locals) and Alan Van Gogh puts his paintings to a variety of (un)sanitary uses. Our heroes dodge marauding locals and their bouncing bottoms, skewer a catering-sized invisible chicken and endure both bill stickers and Bill Nighy. But is the episode high art or low-brow? Listen to find out what card-carrying philistines Jim and Martin make of it.  

"Okay. Not sure but really, really hoping... pants?" No, not your hosts feeling their presents on Christmas morning but the ludicrously-named Laurence Nightingale in the much-lauded Blink - a tale of kinetic statues, exploding hens, dumbfounding DVD extras and a pro-celebrity wedding. And it prompts a number of burning questions... Is it really possible to be unsure of your underwear status? Is Martin hinting that he lives in a house called Easter Debenhams? And can people stop saying 'timey-wimey'? Please? So did the Weeping Angels command Jim and Martin's full attention? Or did our intrepid podcasters struggle to keep their eyes open? Find out here.

"This is called The Bootstrap Paradox. Google it." So now we have to do some homework before settling down to our favourite programme? Maybe not, as we get an explanation of what's going to happen before (and after) we watch it happen in Before the Flood. Oh for the simpler if more claustrophobic pleasures to be found Under The Lake. And our pre-titles primer also involves the fourth wall of the TARDIS being demolished and the Doctor turning his amp up to 11 (again). So Jim and Martin marshal together their views on what turned out to be very much a game of two halves - and even manage to do so without uttering the dreaded 't-w' word. And the lads close with a decision of which Tegan's Aunt Vanessa would have been proud. Uncover (some of) the mystery here.

"Supreme Dalek... your sewers are revolting!" B'dum tish! He's here all week, laydeez 'n' gen'lemen... For the next ten weeks, in fact. Yes, the Doctor's back on our screens and straight into in a touching but mutually mendacious bromance with Ole One-Eye (or is that Three-Eyes now?) Davros weeps, the Doctor shreds, Missy larks about and Clara has a communication breakdown, albeit in familiar surroundings. And Snake Face has a roller skate and segway race... with himself(s). But what's in the Doctor's confession dial? Why does Missy want the Doctor to live? And just what is the elephant in the 12th century arena? Jim and Martin bang on about it all right here...

"That would have created what I believe is called 'consumer resistance'." True dat, Davros. Much as many people would like to get rid of the occasional relative, eating them rarely presents itself as a viable option. A Marxist stand-up masquerading as a crap Dee-Jay is also likely to put off customers (even the comatose ones), while melting mutants, hybridised heads and flying Kaled fingers might even prompt punters to look elsewhere than Tranquil Repose for their funerary needs. Yep, this is Revelation of the Daleks wherein Davros is nought but a head in a tank, Jobel is a spam-head under a rug, Orcini has a tin leg, Tasembeker thinks with her knuckles and good old Lilt communicates with his. But do Jim and Martin find this story irresistible? Or would they prefer a steaming plateful of The Great Healer's patented (but 'orrible) 'I can't believe it's not Quorn' (TM)? Find out here!

"Let's hope the piano knows it." Merely false modesty from virtuoso ivory ticklers Steven "Regret" Taylor and Dodo "Dodo" Chaplet as we soon discover in the horse-flop flecked epic, The Gunfighters. The Doctor ("Caligari") has a busted tooth extracted but that ain't the only malfunctioning thing coming out of anyone's mouths in this one... no siree! For accents shuttle back and forth across the Atlantic like speeding bullets, often more Tottenham than Tombstone. But can our Doc and his fellow "thesbians" survive the crossfire between the more whiskery (whiskey-ery?) Doc and the Clantons? Is Charlie the Barman related to Ghostlight's Nimrod? And is it possible to have a song entirely bleached from one's mind? And, if so, where does Jim sign? So stop right there stranger an' take a listen to this here podcast to find out the answers. To some other questions. NB: Our thanks to Keeper1st on YouTube for the basis of the accompaniment for the song at the top of the episode. No thanks whatsoever to Jim for t

"Dross and baubles!" A three-word review of The Pirate Planet by the salty cyborg himself? Perhaps. Not that there's much in the way of baubles, except for a compact and bijou planet made entirely from sweetie wrappers. But there are some monkish mentalists who need a decent kip, a dangerously incontinent tin budgie and a heaving metropolis of eight souls (or eleven if you include the cosmos's crappiest granddad, his doe-eyed granddaughter and her trigger-happy intended). Does some semblance of an intellect lie behind the Pirate Captain's relentless ranting? What's his kinky nurse-patient role-play all about? And could his garrison of gimp guards even hit a cow's arse with a banjo? Listen in as Jim and Martin ponder these questions while also wondering if walking the plank might be preferable to sitting through this again.

"Isobel... where are yoooouuu?" Come to that, where is Scooby Doo? Shouldn't he be with those crazy kids in the Big Smoke's syewers (sic) trying to take shots of scary Cyberm'n (one of them's sick). It's all because of The Invasion, masterminded by perma-winking Tobias Vaughn and his woefully inept sidekick (and arse-kick), Packer. The Doctor has an eye for a photo opportunity, courtesy of our snappy flapper, but Jamie proves not to be as photogenic as Zoe's spangly bottom, despite his family-friendly weighted kilt. And the jury's still out as to whether his dirk is more impressive than Jimmy's chopper. Does Cyber-Plan B make any sense? Why hasn't Vaughn killed Packer several times by now? And should we petition Philip Morris to recover those missing action sequences? See if anything "has been agreeed" by Jim and Martin in this mammoth episode. You'll need the stamina of a Cyberm'n to listen to it all.

"You know, you're a classic example of the inverse ratio between the size of the mouth and the size of the brain." No, the Doctor isn't addressing your gentle hosts but Martin's favouritest actor ever is on the receiving end. It's The Robots of Death - a tale of unwelcome bike reflectors, irresistible make-up and ludicrous millinery. The Doctor and his mousy sidekick, Leela, are in a sand miner and in the frame for the mysterious marigold murders. But who's behind the rubber-gloved death-dealing droids? The exasperated Uvanov? The bellowing Borg? Surely not tottietastic Toos? Or might the face, voice and trousers of another crew member put him under suspicion? Just maybe? Listen in to hear if Jim and Martin can get to the sub-stratum of this miner problem.

“The earth is hungry. It waits to eat. I can see them. They are the appetite beneath the ground.” Mark Strickson now regrets snacking on Daz before shooting his key scenes in the 1984 comedy-woodlice fest, Frontios. And these unrealistic bugs are not the only threat to our bespectacled cricketer, rabid schoolboy and Australian android from the Ministry of Silly Walks. No, there's a meagre monarch, his gruff 'no man', an oaken Orderly and his whiskery chum from the Village People. But help is at hand in the form of Mr Raaaaaange (science officer and prophet of doom), his comely daughter and, inadvertently, the chief snot-encrusted Tractator - a creature with a nose for a nonsensical plan. But how offensive is a chicken* vol-au-vent (*other fillings are available)? More or less than an exploding hat-stand? And what is the colony leader doing in Joe 90's egg whisk? Jim and Martin struggle to answer these questions, while trying not to come to blows over the usage of fingers and tools. Listen here for the whole s

"Suffering catfish!" And they aren't the only ones suffering as Jim and Martin trudge through the lively four-part story The Time Monster, cunningly packaged as a six-part ordeal. The Doctor dreams of the Master, the Master dreams of universal conquest and Jo dreams of a time when her alien colleague doesn't keep treating her like a particularly backward schoolgirl. Queen Galleia is icy, the Brig is frozen and Benton is a tad chilly in his birthday suit (well that's his excuse anyway). Windows are left un-cleaned, Yates is doodle-bugged and Future Blackadder is swatted like a fly, while his countrymen flee from the Man-Sized Budgie of Ancient Lore. All this and more padding than an Abzorbaloff cosplayer. But does the story keep its head above the rising tide of plot inertia? Listen in to find out.

"There are three physical gateways and the three are one. The whole of this domain, the ancient arch, the mirrors. All the gateways are one." You what? Run that by me again... Don't expect any more sense than this from anyone else, for this is Warriors' Gate - a tale with dialogue so oblique it makes Samuel Beckett sound like Dan Brown. It's an odd sort of a place too, wherein suits of armour give history lessons, lion men fail to tip waitresses and everywhere could do with a touch of colour to cheer it up a bit. The Doctor's flipping, Adric's tossing and Romana's turning away from her TARDIS chums. K9's lost his marbles and Rorvik's losing his rag as his bumbling underlings are set to lose the E-Space/N-Space Crew of the Year competition by some margin. So will Jim and Martin stagger through the choking fog of befuddlement to reach the sunlit uplands of understanding? Or will what remains of their brains melt in the attempt? Listen in to find out.

“It's all in there somewhere. Caramel, sherbet, toffee, marzipan, gelling agents, it's all in motion.” No, not a description of Jim and Martin's stomachs on Christmas night but rather the innards of the Kandy Man, part-time lethal confectioner and full-time Bertie Bassett stunt double. Yes, we're on Terra Alpha, a dystopian colony ruled over by painted Thatchalike, Helen A, and her gun-toting Hen Party, The Happiness Patrol. The over-athletic Doctor plays the spoons, the occasionally-catatonic Earl plays the harmonica and horrid old Helen A plays with her Fifi - her hermaphrodite wolf-poodle, that is. We don't know what you were thinking... The unrealistic streets teem with low-speed traffic and shambling work-shy drones while, underneath, pound-shop Yodas bark unintelligibly about Gordon Bennett. And the TARDIS turns pink, as do Whovian cheeks when the Kandy Man appears while any Not-We are in the room. So did Jim Y and Martin Z enjoy watching it? Or was the experience as hollow as Sylv and Sophie's laughter

"This game of hide and seek through time is wearing a little thin now." We couldn't have put it better ourselves, Chesterfield. Yes, it's the 1965 Dalek story The Chase we're talking about - a tale of bagpipe creatures, a highly annoying hayseed, living vegetation (gasp!), under-utilised plungers and a space pilot with a panda fetish. The Doctor encounters a robot look-unlike, Ian 'dad dances', Babs plays cowboys and Indians and Vicki laughs like a loon. The Daleks are no more impressive, hoisting their skirts and staggering through the six episodes in a quagmire of coughing, nonsensical chanting and painfully slow mental arithmetic. Jim and Martin search for some meaning to it all but do they find it? Listen here to find out.

"In my presence, you are an ant, a termite. Abase yourself, you grovelling insect!" So once again Sutekh's arrogance management classes fail to deliver and he's left in his sub-Saqqaran tomb for a few more centuries, waiting for another gentleman caller. And he had a lot going for him: a puppet archaeologist, a loyal (if irascible) Egyptian organist, a low-tech PIN-pincher and some busty yummy mummies. Laurence is wide-eyed, the Doctor is boggle-eyed and Marcus has eyes like piddle-holes in the snow, while Sarah is eyeing an escape route to 1980 (but not the crappy one). Why is Sutekh's cell so well-appointed? Why doesn't someone push a broom around the priory every now and then? And just who is Eternity's Cushion Plumper? Listen to find out if the answers lie in the Pyramids of Mars and what score (hint hint) Jim and Martin give the serial.  

"I am an idiot with a box and a screwdriver." So after 12 weeks of soul-searching and self-scrutinisation, this is the conclusion the Doctor comes to. Not the only disappointment, perhaps, during the two-part Series 8 finale, Dark Water and Death in Heaven. Clara is not the Doctor, Missy is the Master (though perhaps not one worthy of the name) and Dead Danny becomes a Cyberman who saves the world. So far, so predictable. But a Time Lord travelling by Mary Poppins' umbrella, an undead metallic Brigadier and skeletons who become Cybermen after a bout of inclement weather are a little less by-the-book. But did Jim and Martin feel it all amounted to a satisfying end to the excellent Series 8? Or an embarrassing, drunken hurling-up after a feast of great Who? Listen in to find out.  

No, we're not saying Dark Water was a non-episode - just that we're not going to do an individual podcast episode on it. Instead, we'll wait until the full two-part Series 8 finale is completed - Dark Water and Death in Heaven - before opening our pie-holes and spewing forth. After 10 weeks straight, we're sure your ears could do with the rest. See you in a week or so...   Jim & Martin Krynoid