Doctor Who: The Krynoid Podcast

"Farewell to the Ice Age. Welcome to the Tree Age. Possibly." Chilling words (possibly), even to the most ardent of tree-huggers. So the world is covered in trees and the TARDIS is swarming with children in the latest series 8 episode, In the Forest of the Night. The Doctor tries to work out what's going on, Clara tries to remember she's a teacher, Danny tries to dazzle the eye(s) of the tiger and the kids try everyone's patience. Wolves chase people (slowly), Nelson's Column droops and a missing person is found in a shrubbery. So Jim and Martin can't help being reminded of the words of the White Guardian: "Nothing will happen. Nothing at all. Ever..."  

"As from today... I can put any brain into any body, anywhere." Maybe there's finally hope for the Krynoid Pod boys then? Whether or not they're up for a shaved head and a sex change is another matter but that is the fate of Kiv, chief Mentor and mega-capitalist Sil-botherer, at the expense of poor old Perpugilliam Brown. Is the scenery of Thoros Beta competing with Old Sixie's coat for day-glo garishness? Can the Lukoser shut his mouth? Come to that, can Brian Blessed shut his mouth? Please. Mindwarp is the second section of The Trial of a Time Lord but did Jim and Martin find watching it to be a mind-warping trial? Find out here. Addendum: this podcast was recorded before the sad news of Lynda Bellingham's passing. She was a well-loved actress and a very funny lady and, whatever happened around her in season 23, her performance as the Inquisitor was never less than excellent. Our thoughts are with her friends and family and this podcast episode is dedicated to her memory.

"Why Doctor Oswald, you are hilarious!" So Clara plays the Doctor, Rigsy plays her companion and the Doctor plays Thing from The Addams Family in the latest series 8 episode, Flatline. The TARDIS has shrunk and swallowed the Doctor, while rugs are swallowing people and Danny may not be swallowing Clara's tall tales. Would you sacrifice yourself for the price of a hairband? Would you take a personal call while trying to combat an alien attack in a swinging chair? And can you pull off a TARDIS-backed hermit crab cosplay? Jim and Martin ponder these three-dimensional problems through the single medium of sound. Join them.  

"Are you my mummy?" Yes, they couldn't resist it. No blitz-dodging, gasmark-wearing nippers this time though, just a rancid old vet that even a decent vet couldn't save. For he is the Mummy on the Orient Express who, despite his state-of-the-art soldiering kit is not really what the passengers had in mind when they were promised "all mod cons". The Doctor plays Poirot, Clara looks in need of a Charleston and Perkins bears an uncanny resemblance to "that disc jockey" (but thankfully not the white-haired Hartnell-alike). Jelly babies are shared, old ladies fulfill their job descriptions and the kitchen staff are let outside for a breath of fresh vacuum. But is it a rattling good locomotive of an episode? Or derailed stock which refuses to roll? Jim and Martin take rather more than 66 seconds to decide.    

"The Moon's an egg." Does that make The First Men in the Moon "soldiers"? No? Suit yourselves... Yes, Kill The Moon is another fandom-splitting episode where science and credibility are cast onto the altar of pure daft entertainment. The Doctor opts out of a big decision, Clara opts out of the democratic process and Courtney opts out of school, hardly a way to brush up her presidential skills. Do male astronauts wear red shirts under their space suits? How many conkers does it take to ward off a badger-sized spider? And how painful is it to lay an egg larger than oneself? Listen in - but don't expect any logical answers.

"I'm the new caretaker. John Smith... most people just call me the Doctor." Skilled exponent of the deep cover persona, the Doctor wields a broom and a non-sonic screwdriver in his new-found role as The Caretaker. Naturally, this makes life very difficult for the peripatetic Clara and her new (but already long-suffering) beau, Mr Danny Pink. A Skovox Blitzer is whizzing around disarming policemen and vandalising school property but the real fireworks happen in the TARDIS when Smith-Oswald-Pink triangle finally comes together and seemingly blows instantly apart. Danny gives Clara an ultimatum (surely flowers are more romantic?), Courtney defiles the time-space machine with her disruptive effluence, and Space Dad gets proprietorial over his impossible little princess. But does all this a decent Doctor Who episode make? Listen in to hear what Jim and Rob make of it all.

"I hate the architect." Another dose of self-loathing from the Doctor? Or has he just watched 'The Towering Inferno' once too often? Well it's one of many questions and many twists in the oh-so-tricky Time Heist - a tale of the cloned mega-rich, sunken-headed criminals, a love-lorn mind muncher and a motley crue of amnesiac bank robbers. One's a top-drawer impressionist, another is wired for data, and a third might end up being late for a much less important date. All are called to heel by some unnaturally assertive eyebrows. Why are they there? What are they trying to steal? And what exactly did that naughty Sensorite get up to? Jim and Rob do some detective work and try to crack the incredible case of the Successful Steve Thompson Story. Listen in to see how they got on.    

"I sense the vicious doctrine of egalitarianism." Not our words, the words of financially-motivated, fish-blooded fungus, The Collector. One of The Sun Makers, this blob of seaweed with ideas above its station loves a healthy balance sheet and an unhealthy executionee but meets his match when the 4th Doctor, Leela and K9 visit plutocratic Pluto. It's a miserable world of wooden tables, cardboard control panels, unappetising curries and clown's-pocket-sized credit cards. The Doctor moos like a cow, Leela fights like a wildcat and K9 acts like a dog - much to Martin's incandescent rage. But is the story as saleable as a tray of hot cakes or a bucket of cold sick? Listen and find out.

"Fear is like a companion. A constant companion, always there." And some may think Clara Oswald is always there, in shot. But not Jim and his mystery new podcast companion. They wax lyrical on the rather watchable Listen and ponder tricky dates, misunderstood soldiers and canon attacks. Who wrote on the Doctor's blackboard? Who or what was under the bedclothes? And was there anything outside Orson's spaceship? For the answer to all of these questions, call Steven Moffat.   And, while you're on hold, give our episode a Listen.

"No damsels in distress. No pretty castles. No such thing as Robin Hood." Well it just goes to show that even curmudgeonly old Time Lords can get things wrong occasionally, although the TARDIS team do also manage to encounter a Robot of Sherwood or several during their sojourn in Merrie England. Hair is plucked, sandals are sniffed, targets are incinerated and a baddie is cast into a vat of boiling gold. All in a day's work for Spoonman and Clara. But does the episode hit the target or plummet into the moat of obscurity and derision? Listen in and find out...  

"Top layer, if you want to say a few words." Ooh that 12th / 14th / 271st Doctor is a silver-tongued charmer, isn't he? Perhaps being poked into a mental Dalek has upset his equilibrium? Or maybe not. Who knows? Who nose? etc. etc. So Jim and Martin go Into The Dalek and try to discover why the Doctor looks so sheepish, if Clara's was a happy slap, what makes punters qualify for Missy's Heaven and if random words do a character name make. Listen to their aimless pontifications here.      

"And don't look in that mirror. It's absolutely furious!" Peter Capaldi is the Doctor and Jim and Martin escape their Classic Who bonds to observe him in his inaugural outing, Deep Breath. It's a Victorian melodrama, featuring a newly-coatless tramp, two attack eyebrows, some amazingly tolerant Londoners and the only restaurant with a negative Michelin star count. Is age just a number? Does offing a clockwork robot count as homocide? And is Murray Gold really playing a kazoo? Find out here. Maybe.    

"Clever. Clever. Clever." Well, if the Cybermen are that bloomin' clever, they'd target the more body-conscious members of The Moonbase crew with their veiny virus too. Never mind, the silver giants have plenty more plans up their practice golfball-studded sleeves and this spells trouble for the internationally-branded Boyz N The Base. But they reckon without Gollum Doctor, a lead-swinging Jamie, Polly the Barista, and Ben "Know-it-all" Jackson. Will the Cybermen be able to cope with the gravity of the situation? Just what will fire extinguishers look like in 2070 AD? And is Dr Evans the most active dead man in history? Find out (maybe) here!      

"You may be a doctor but I'm the Doctor – the definite article you might say."   A statement of intent from the fresh and dewy Tom Baker in his first ever story, Robot. As well as being introduced to the boggle-eyed Bohemian, we continue the Adventures of Sarah Jane Smith, politely clap Benton's latest promotion and discover what the Brig does with his car keys (and more) at the weekends. If that wasn't exciting enough, we also meet a crazy-haired professor, an unusually silent politician, a camp Neo-Nazi and Dennis Waterman's Hitlerian ex-wife – not to mention the limp-wristed tin man of the title. So does the first Bakerian era start with a big bang or a wimpy whimper? Listen in to find out what Jim and Martin make of it all.

"This fellow's bright green apparently. And dead."   What's that you say? Green? And, more importantly, dead? This must be the 1973 Jon Pertwee quorn-clogged classic, The Green Death, then.   Wherein the Doctor escapes from Metebelis III and seeks comfort in some cosplay while Jo finds love, the Brig finds a dinner suit at the bottom of his overnight bag and Mike Yates finds the true inner peace that only BOSS's brainwashing can bring.   The miners display the survival instincts of lemmings, Dai and Fell fulfill their nominal destinies and Stevens reveals the new staff perk for Global Chemicals employees – a fully equipped S&M dungeon.   Throw in some horrific maggots and some horrifically bad special effects and you have something of a great big melting pot – of "delicious" fungus soup.     So is this a case of "there's lovely"? Listen in and find out.

"Lord Niiiimon… it is I, Soldeed…" Words to strike terror into every self-respecting Doctor Who fan. Yes, Jim and Martin scrape the very bottom of the cavernous Who barrel this time and confront The Horns of Nimon. The budget is low but the camp is oh-so-very high. Tom Baker and Graham Crowden compete to bite the biggest chunks out of the unimpressive scenery, accompanied by the wrong Romana and the incorrect K9, while Janet Ellis longs desperately for her Blue Peter job offer to come through the post. Marvel as trained dancers balance enormous bull masks on their heads and themselves on their ludicrous platform shoes. Gasp as the co-pilot flaps his jowls like a demented bloodhound. Consider suicide as Crowden and Baker have the time of their lives, at the expense of the production and its tormented viewers. But is it so bad it's good? Or is it so bad that it'll split your trousers?   Listen in for Jim and Martin's verdicts on this pseudo-mythical mess.

"You can't mend people!" Well tell that to a doctor – Who or otherwise. And the Kinda can mend doolally folk too, turning them from sociopaths to simpletons by simply opening a box. A bit like Deal or No Deal in reverse. But is Kinda a box of delights or one of Pandora's old cast-offs? Well, Nyssa's barely in it so that's a promising start but Adric's face freaks Martin out, the presence of both Nerys Hughes and multiple Tegans sends Jim into a priapic frenzy and a moccasin-faced local keeps spouting spiritual riddles. The Doctor is an idiot, Tegan has narcolepsy and Adric keeps trying to twok the TSS. Couple that with a jester who badly needs his puppet (and more) stamped on, an effete bloke from That's Life roaring like a frightened vole and the Universe's least enticing bouncy castle and you have something of a mixed bag. But, when it comes to Kinda fans, are Jim and Martin among the We or the Not-We? Listen and find out.

"The events will happen, just as they are written. I'm afraid so and we can't stem the tide. But at least we can stop being carried away with the flood!" And there's a veritable flood of unexpected stars in the Season One closer, The Reign of Terror. Rowan Atkinson captures the younger three-quarters of the TARDIS team, while Jonny Vegas bangs them up. Bill Murray busts them out only for Ian to nearly come a cropper at the hands of Rentaghost's Mr Meaker, who himself has another bust in mind when it comes to Babs. And an extra gets his moment in the sun too – quite literally – as William Hartnell's Lime Grove-inspired agoraphobia prevents him from indulging in a spot of location filming. The first Doctor's old body may already be wearing thin after walking all the way to Paris but he looks as robust as Charles Atlas next to his galactically feeble granddaughter Susan, who does more to imperil the time travellers than either First Deputy Robespierre or the last-past-the-post Traitor Party. But even in 1794 or

"Chap with the wings there… five rounds rapid!"   And lo… animated gargoyle, Bok, was treated to several speedy ales at Ye Olde Cloven Hoofe tavern, a far preferable fate than a dance with Mike Yates.   Yes, it's the 1971 occult classic, The Daemons – a satanic saga of a renegade reverend, a vile verger, tiresome TV chaps and a reticule-swinging spinster.   Yates and Benton are wearing civvies, Jo's wearing a sacrificial robe and the Doctor's just wearing.   Who is the Brig's bedfellow? Just what does Garvin get up to with ferrets? And has there ever been a valid justification for Morris Dancing?   You'll burn up with excitement. You'll freeze in terror. And you'll believe a sprightly yellow roadster can drive itself.   Open up the podcast and bring death and destruction to your mental faculties…

"It's the end… but the moment has been prepared for."   The final words of the boggle-eyed mentalist octogenarian Tom Baker, just prior to being trampled by a crusty ballet dancer and so triggering his metamorphosis into the world's wettest vet.   Jim and Martin start this episode by skewering The Time of the Doctor but then evaluate another regeneration story, 1981's Logopolis.   The fourth Doctor is old and grumpy and the Master is new and campy, while Adric "wunts" to help, Tegan wants to fly and Nyssa just wants to have fun, despite losing her step mother, father and planet in short order.   Can Noel Edmonds keep the fabric of the Universe together? Can the Doctor's plan to literally flush out the Master be any more ludicrous? And can Anthony Ainley make any more of a meal of pressing a button?   Listen here to find out.