I Don't Even Own A Television

In the quest for the weirdest and worst artifacts available, J. and Collision welcome K. Thor Jensen to the show to discuss Sass Girls X, by Imari Imarea. You're gonna need a safe, well-padded environment for this, because this book's ridiculous levels are matched only by its levels of terribleness. A failed attempt at bringing the energy and conventions of anime to the page, Sass Girls X is more or less what you'd get if an internet forum came to life and instantly got a bad fever. This book is an incredible rarity, which is why we're breaking some of our rules to bring it to you. You have NOT read anything like it, and it's unlikely you would ever would have had the ... pleasure of this book's prose, so get ready. Get ready to taste an unholy mix of obscure sexual fetish(es), videogame obsessiveness, slapstick humor, "fuck it" plotting, and more appropriations than Earnest Cline could pull off after an espresso enema. And get ready to update your list of things that have made you say "holy shit", because th

Big fun in this big episode about Big Apple Takedown! Your hosts and exceptional guest Kefin Mahon get in the ring to take on a brief story by Rudy Josephs that reads like the world's least creative marketing executive using some extremely branded action figures slash dolls to reenact a half-remembered and very boring episode of your second-favorite TV show. Taste the thrills that only come with a book whose entire reason to exist is to remind you of things you like! Hear the confused joy of J. and Kefin as they endure the important question "Hey, are the 'characters' in this book actually the ones that are supposed to be there?"! Smell the the baffled despair in Collision's voice as he explores "who the pants are the dolls this 'writer' is playing with, anyways?"! We may not know why this book exists, but we do know that if it's gonna go ahead and exist, we need to bag on it—hard. And that's exactly what we do. Because that's the I Don't Even Own a Television Pledge. That's what we bring to you, and that's

Money. Pizza. Respect. Two of these things are probably okay, but all of them will leave a bad taste in your mouth when they come from a "book" by Joshua "The Fat Jew Joke Thief" Ostrovsky. And we sincerely hope that Joshua got none of those things in exchange for cobbling together this somewhat book-like object for whatever hard-to-imagine audience he might once have had. Yes, this episode, J. and Collision are delving deep into 2014's most second-tier memes, from "saying 'someone drinks rosé' is funny" all the way to "saying 'beef jerky' is funny". Except these memes are packaged with way more offensive epithets, racist commentary, and lazy page-occupying filler than you'd expect. Enjoy J.'s most vibrant anger yet! Snicker at Collision's least convincing high points segment ever! But most of all, sigh at the society that has made a talent-free joke thief like Ostrovsky very nearly successful. NOTE: we expect that Joshua will respond to this the only way he knows how: by stealing somebody else's ideas. So,

Wow, what is there to say about John Steakley's Armor? Strap on your favorite defense mechanisms and join J. and Collision as they try to answer this difficult question about a novel that dares to answer the less difficult question "what if Starship Troopers were incredibly stupid and repetitive?". Yes, we take on Armor, the book that should have been called A Constant Reminder of Better Books: The Book. As a read, Armor is a terrible slog that looks you square in the eye and shows you atrocities while growling "war...is heck" before bafflingly pivoting to whimsical wisecracking and brief interludes of rough sex. This read was not the smoothest ride, is what we're saying.Anyway, lots of fun this time around, as we reminisce, we rant, we rave, we riff, we just in general rue the day we read this wretched collection of strenuously brutal action scenes and quarter-baked philosophical musings. Yes, this is one of those books where, when you're struggling to say something nice, you end up saying "there was this l

LISTENER ADVISORY: it is okay to like the Smiths, who were good; it is defensible to like Morrissey, because there's no accounting for tastes; but if you like this book, there is something seriously wrong with your Literature Appreciation Module. This episode, we're taking on an oft-anticipated "novel" by former Smiths frontman and one-time cultural icon Morrissey. It's a slim volume of overwritten truisms and underedited sentences going under the pointless title List of the Lost. Buckle in, friends, because this might be, sentence by sentence, the worst-written book J. and Collision have endured. Thrill to: more singing than normal! Be amazed by: Collision's vast, weighty knowledge of hip-hop! Slog through: a book whose only reason for existing seems to be that ol' Mozzer isn't convinced you've heard quite enough about animal rights, sexual repression, and the dismal, deleterious effects of ... television news. Collision apologizes for his limpest approach to Plot in 60 yet. J. gets deep into personal, poli

Say what you will about Led Zeppelin and the average rock bio, but this particular rock bio is (a) about Led Zeppelin and (b) full of hot air. Join us as we talk about the granddaddy of all trashy rock books, Stephen Davis' Hammer of the Gods, a bizarre work of fanfic about a mid-tier white blues band and their delightful cast of characters: bassist John Paul Jones, who I don't think we mention one time; brassy penis-having shrieker Robert Plant; drug-addled sex wizard and guitar player Jimmy Page; and "Bonzo", a drummer. It's a book that proves it's hard to soar with the eagles when you're hanging out with complete turkeys, but it manages to crash and burn anyway. Actually, I quit cocaine this morning," this book doesn't begin. Sadly. But the line is in the book, if that's your sort of thing! So pull yourself into your tightest pants and your flounciest man-blouse, no matter what you'd normally wear, and settle in for a book devoted to the proposition that, somehow, people should have paid more attention to

Spring is sproinging, and that means it's time for your favorite topic and ours: baseball! Scratch that: metaphysics! Written by a baseball player! In this episode, J. and Collision take the field with standout former catcher Darren "Dutch" Daulton and his mega-tome If They Only Knew to learn how to tune our vibrational frequencies to jump! jump! and ASCEND to new dimensions and tiers of consciousness, like the rainbows in the dark we all are. (This book is the first inaugural winner of the IDEOTVPOD Ronnie James Dio Prize for Lyrical Total Coherence.) A great episode for anybody who wants to know about manifesting in the 4th dimension multi-dimensional universe, warfare in the spiritual realm, their pineal gland, or the human light body — also known as the Mer-Ka-Ba. Prepare to be turbo enlightened; pierce the veil; enjoy a lot of references to movies. (If you want to get a little high and crank up the Music From Hearts of Space, that would probably be a good idea.) We also cover the correct way to say "dud

For the show's big, blooming second anniversary, we're getting super-seductive with Harris O'Malley's most book-like object yet, New Game+: The Geek's Guide to Love, Sex, & Dating, with special guest Rachel Millman! Once again we confront a self-help book that falls on the wrong side of the Ice-T Twitter Account Quality Line (ICTTAQL, for short). Seriously: save a couple bucks and just follow Ice: he's got 'way better insights than any guy calling himself "Doctor" "Nerdlove". In this episode, we — and you — have to deal with advice like "spray vodka on your couch to kill the smells" and "send texts like this to ratchet up the sexual tension: 'Hold on, you just gave me an interesting mental image... Okay, back now.'" That will definitely help your couch and suggest to someone that you're not a fifteen-year-old virgin. This is an episode that is guaranteed to thrill and delight in equal measure, or anyway to teach you what the saddest of our nation's dweebs are trying to do to get laid. Enjoy! Recommendat

Wilder than Wild Animus. Weirder than Necroscope. Wronger than Scruples. Surging it comes in from the sea off the coast of Wales, so J. and Collision must wade into ... Night of the Crabs! This is not a drill, people, this is a book by Guy N. Smith and it's definitely the best bad book we've gotten our hands on, and there is something (giant crabs invade Wales) here (tons of sex) for everyone (plot holes you could ride a giant crab through)! (Prose you will legit not believe.) (Death scenes all over the place.) Recommended a long time ago, this book goes sideways almost instantly, and even though your hosts claw away at it, cracking wise as best they can, the whole thing is guaranteed to steam you — or leave you shell-shocked. Ride the crab. Recommendations: City of Saints and Madmen, Jeff VanderMeer Clothes Clothes Clothes, Music Music Music, Boys Boys Boys, Viv Albertine Music: "Godzilla" by Blue Őyster Cult "Rock Lobster" by B-52s "Convoy" by C.W. McCall "Crab Rappers" by Nonchalant

Feel a great disturbance in the force, as though a huge number of voices cried out "this book bites!" and were not silenced, ever. This episode, IDEOTV makes the jump to hyperspace with our first live show! It features singalongs, audience readings, and all the hilarity and hate that come with a hastily-produced tie-in cash-grab like Alan Dean Foster's Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Enjoy J. and Collision and a crowd of literally dozens as they rule the galaxy* and rue the day they decided to read this tepid mess. So hit DOWNLOAD on the ONLY podcast episode that is GUARANTEED to beam you up! – by putting a big, beaming smile on your face, of course! Polish your droid and keep one hand on your blaster as we join the "characters" in this book in asking, plaintively, "What's going to happen next?" *Or at least the great Stage Werx Theatre in beautiful San Francisco. Recommendations: Houston, Houston, Do You Read?, James Tiptree, Jr. The Secret History of Las Vegas, Chris Abani Music: "Also Spoke Zarathus

Webster's Dictionary defines Scruples as "HOLY CRAP THIS BOOK IS INSANE." The Wikipedia entry for "trashy book" says "Scruples; see also: Webster's Dictionary." This legendary Judith Krantz book, suggested by Contest Winner Sarah Nolastname, tells a long, raunchy tale of incredibly rich people solving non-problems and having anatomically described sex. If you ever wondered what it would be like to live in an Eagles song for roughly 600 pages, this is the book for you. If you remember Dynasty or Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous fondly, but always wished they had more hardcore descriptions of sex acts, then this is the book for you. If you really loathe gay people and wish books never included black people, then this is the book for you. And if you like a hell of a good time, then this is definitely the episode for you! RECOMMENDATIONS: Zippermouth, Laurie Weeks "You Must Remember This" MUSIC: "The Tight Pants Song", Saturday Night Live "My Number One Lover", Esquivel "La La La", Deep Throat Soundtrack "Wha

With special guest Bill Hanstock, J. and Collision pull on their boots and step inside the squared circle to wrestle with pro-wrestling lifer "Hardcore" Bob Holly's memoir, The Hardcore Truth. Holly was known for not pulling his punches in the ring, and he definitely brings the same approach to these pages. Even if you don't care about pro wrestling, this one is a good journey to take, a book about a young man who discovers that all the machinery making modern television isn't so open-hearted, it's coldly charted. He wanted to believe in the freedom of wrestling, but glittering prizes and endless compromises shattered his illusions of integrity. Also! We announce our Contest Winner in a thrilling crossover between our Letters and Dramatic Reading segments! SPECIAL NOTES:We have a live show taping coming up! February 21, 2016, 2:00 p.m., at Stage Werx Theater, 446 Valencia St., San Francisco, California, a block away from the 16th St. BART station! Be there! It's just ten bucks! Tickets available at Brown Pape

Get your wings, along with J. and Collision, as the author of definitive 70s artifact Jonathan Livingston Seagull struggles to follow up his mega-hit with...this.  In this thin volume, Richard Bach teaches us all that the best thing about flying is that it lets you look down on everyone.  Bach proves that he's hella hardcore, as he teaches us to Rise Above (Black Flag style) while At the Movies like Bad Brains!  This book is for everyone who ever wanted to feel good about themselves for no particular reason, and this episode is for everyone who met somebody like that and was all like...dude...seriously...take it down a notch. SPECIAL NOTES: * Buy a t-shirt!* We have a live show taping coming up!  February 21, 2016, 3:00 p.m., at Stage Werx Theater, 446 Valencia St., San Francisco, California, a block away from the 16th St. BART station!  Be there!  Recommendations: Omega the Unknown, Steve Gerber and Mary Skrenes Wolf in White Van, John Darnielle Music: "Paper Planes" by MIA "Fly" by Sugar Ray "Fly to

Friends! Enter the new year like we'd enter the dragon: terrified, trembling, tipsy (a little) and accompanied by 50 Cent! Lose your fears and embrace loathing everyone around you because they are all out to get you. Enjoy getting yelled at and buried under a never-ending tumble of unsourced historical anecdotes, for such is the way of Robert Greene and The 50th Law. Recommendations: Decline of Western Civilization Part Two: The Metal Years The Desire Map, Danielle La Porte The concept of Neti Pots™ "Sandkings", George R. R. Martin Electric Boogaloo Music: "Money, Power, Respect" - The LOX "Tell Me When to Go" - E-40 "Oh Boy" - Cam'ron feat. Juelz Santana "Fuck You (Remix)" - 50 Cent & Cee-Lo Green

Happy holidays! Fresh from our wonderful listeners voting us into the AV Club’s Top 10 Podcasts, IDEOTVPOD scrapes the bottom of the barrel — no, the part actually touching the ground, where it’s gross and grubby and slimy — and gives the people what they want: Neal Stephenson’s Snow Crash.   Extra-special music, live-and-in-person dialogue trees, and a dramatic reading from J. that makes this dumb book sound about eleven times as good as it is. Hop on your plank, strap on your samurai swords, and get ready to hear a lot about how great hackers are from one extremely notable hack, Neal Stephenson   Recommendations: Pontypool “Men Explain Lolita to Me”, Rebecca Solnit The Weird: A Compendium of Strange and Dark Stories, Ann VanderMeer & Jeff VanderMeer Music: “Liquid Swords” by GZA “What About Me?” by Jim Johnston “Pizza Boy USA” by Lou Monte “Close Your Mouth (It’s Christmastime)” by The Free Design

Sometimes you want to go where every pun will cause you pain -- so grab your wallet, stoke your thirst, and join J. and Collision in Spider Robinson's Callahan's Crosstime Saloon, where every man gets his chance to be heard, every pun gets its chance to get aired, and several women step up to help a man laugh, love, live, and learn just a little bit about himself and his feelings. Come to Callahan's for the booze, but stay for what some listeners are calling the greatest musical segment in podcast history. Recommendations: Moxyland, Lauren Beukes American Gods, Neil Gaiman Music: "Drink!" by They Might Be Giants Unearthed recording of Bobbi Joy "the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" by Gordon Lightfoot "Joy and Pain" by Rob Base and DJ E-Z Rock

Some years back, Paulo Coelho transmuted bad advice and a child's sense of story into a massive bestseller. And today, Collision and J. magically transform a terrible book into a good podcast as they tackle...The Alchemist! If you liked Wild Animus, but were all like "Hey, this would be great if we could some more sheep in the mix!" then this may be the book for you. Topics addressed this time around include t-shirts, voiceover technique, anime as an adult, project management, and men who leave. Extraordinarily special run-in at the very end by Centa Schumacher, as the voice of reason! Recommendations: Wanderlust, Rebecca Solnit Workshop of the Telescopes, Blue Öyster Cult Le Petit Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry Music: "Hold You Down", The Alchemist "Positive Hardcore Band", Good Clean Fun "Dopesmoker", Sleep Some Teens' School Project About The Alchemist That I Found On Youtube

This episode, join J. and Collision and special guest Lauren Parker as we roll the dice -- and lose -- with Ian Fleming's first James Bond novel, Casino Royale.  We return to the thrilling days of the Cold War, when Great Britain stood alone against the Soviet menace, and the only way to way to stem the tide of communism was to send middle-aged men on gambling junkets.  Cars will be chased.  The patriarchy will be defended.  And oh how preferences will be explained!  From pre-mission massages to rock-ribbed misogyny to sexual sadism and gay panic, this episode's got it all, because this book's got it all, and none of it is good.     Recommendations Cocaine Blues, Kerry Greenwood "From Sleep", Max Richter Battleborn, Claire Vaye Watkins     Music Oh Bondage, Up Yours! -- X-Ray Spex Word is Bond -- Brand Nubian Azz Everywhere -- Big Freedia Thunderball -- Johnny Cash

There's a single question that has driven most of the great books in history: "What would happen if young, unpleasant people acquired property?" That's the question at the heart of this book, a searing indictment of MFA graduates everywhere. Come for interesting, well-drawn characters like the magical elf-woman who can't use a coffee maker, check voicemail, or use a dimmer switch on a light, but STAY for comforting mentions of bands you remember and some of 2005's sickest burns. It's a thin premise for a mediocre mumblecore movie, and an even thinner excuse for a 160-page book. Join us in...the Condominium. Recommendations:Godspeed, Lynn BreedloveChronic City, Jonathan Lethem Music:"Suburb Party" by The Majesticons"New York I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down" by LCD Soundsystem"Campus" by Vampire Weekend"Deception" by Blackalicious

In this episode, the fish truly don't fry in the kitchen, and the beans don't burn on the grill.  It's a sizzler this time around, as J. and Collision read Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential, the memoir that dares to combine dirty dishes with Motley Crüe's The Dirt.  Sit down with Extremely Cool Guy Anthony Bourdain as he explains to you -- over and over again -- how extremely and ultimately cool he is.  Plus a recap of the IDEOTVPOD team's trip to beautiful Minneapolis to hang out with The F Plus and way, way more puns than normal.  Apologies if that's not to your taste!   Recommendations: Bill Buford, Heat Mary Karr, The Worm-Farmer's Lament   Songs: "It's Me" by Action Bronson "Feed Me More" by Jim Johnston "I Like Food" by The Descendents "Dine Alone" by Quicksand