I Don't Even Own A Television

What happens when Star Wars creator/destroyer George Lucas hires X-Men writer Chris Claremont to make a trilogy in the style of Lord of the Rings?  An incomprehensible, sodden mess, as it turns out.  A gritty reimagineering of slash sequel to a schlocky, shticky, slapsticky non-hit children's movie called Willow, Shadow Moon nearly brings J., Collision, and special guest Tricia Ellis to their knees in this rollicking, pain-filled episode.  Grab your favorite Renaissance Faire outfit, crank the ocarina to eleven, and join us, won't you? NOTE: Our guest this week had some unfortunate audio issues with her recording and we had to get a bit creative with editing. Please forgive the occasional crackle and the lack of dramatic reading. Thanks! Recommendations:Station Eleven, Emily St. John MandelMankind: Have a Nice Day, Mick FoleyA Wizard of Earthsea, Ursula Le Guin Music:"Whip My Hair" by Willow Smith"Holy Diver" by Dio"Weed Brownies" by Wiz Khalifa"Far, Far Away" by Ultimate Fakebook

Today J. and Collision are getting high -- attic high!  With mondo-special guests Centa and Amanda, the IDEOTV team tackles the oft-requested quasi-gothic super-creepy best-seller and rite of passage Flowers in the Attic.  This one really goes there, people, so if whipped children and brothers licking sisters' nipples isn't your thing, you might want to sit this one out.  But hey, you wanted the best, you asked for the best, and you got the best! Multiple guests means slightly shaky sound, but we don't think you'll want to miss this one.  Lock yourself in a room with your closest family members and turn this episode up loud enough to rattle the attic. Music:"Blue Flowers" by Dr. Octagon"Trailer Park" by Bracket"Intact" by Ned's Atomic Dustbin"Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers Recommendations:The BabadookThe Story of the Lost Child, Elena FerranteThe High Window, Raymond ChandlerNine Princes in Amber, Roger Zelazny

Hey, kids!  Do you like playing Video Games?  Do you like watching other people play video games?  Do you like people telling you about playing video games?  Do you like people telling you the story of a video game as though the story had happened to them, omitting no detail, not even one, for 250 pages?  No?  Then you really wouldn't like this book, a shoddy pile of words called DOOM: Knee-Deep in the Dead. J. and Collision welcome back popular/delightful guest Poncho Martinez and get at least hip-deep in dreck. Recommendations:My Enemy, My Ally & The Romulan Way, Diane Duane14, Peter ClinesThe Library at Mount Char, Scott Hawkins Music:A bunch of stuff from the DOOM original soundtrack

Recommended by major dude and friend of the show Tom Keiser, it's time for J and Collision to endure the long lines and longer speeches of... Airport, Arthur Hailey's 1968 ode to MEN and their DECISIONS and their FEELINGS. You need to know, though: this ain't the summer of love.  Also, you can pack your bags and you can leave tonight, but this book ain't exactly your ticket to paradise, people.  Grab a tiny bottle of dad's medicine, find your most comfortable pair of travelling shoes, and join us where the departures meet the arrivals. Recommendations: The Skies Belong to Us, Brendan I. Koerner The Talented Mr. Ripley, Patricia Highsmith   Music: "LA Internatonal Airport" by Susan Raye "Broken Wings" by Mister Mister "Fear of Flying" by Teenage Fanclub "Jean Claude Bland Dan In A Steel Cage Match With Mean Steve Segal For The Title Of Crowned King Of Hilfiger Apparel: WWF Style" by Spazz

This episode will rock you to your foundations, as J. and Collision tune up the band and take a hot shot of Slash's memoir Slash. That's right, the guitar player from Guns & Roses wrote a book (sorta) and we read it (bigtime). Rarely has a book about sex, drugs, and rock & roll been so mundane! Rarely have so many anecdotes been contradicted so quickly! Join us as we hold up this book and say "this thing is not good" a lot. Maybe it's a little sloppy, but that's just good rock & roll, right? NOTE: J. would like to apologize for his obvious drunkenness. This is what happens when you read a book about Slash. Recommendations:Frank Zappa, the Real Frank Zappa BookJoan Didion, the White Album Music:"Sex and Drugs and Rock N' Roll", Ian Drury and the Blockheads"The Majesty of Rock", Spinal Tap"Home of the Brave", Spiritualized"Party Like a Rock Star", Shop Boyz

Saddle up! J and Collision run roughshod over Ernest Cline's new reference deployment device, Armada. Is Cline a one-trick pony, or is this book a dead horse, beaten? The answer is inside! Plus, some extra-good letters, a seriously exciting announcement, and our most appropriate recommendations yet! Recommendations:Jeff Vandermeer, The Southern Reach TrilogyHelen DeWitt, The Last Samurai Music:"Aces High" - Iron Maiden"Stand Still" - Gorilla Biscuits"Games" - Hüsker Dü"Space" - Galt MacDermot

Collision and J welcome tart-tongued guest Lemon from the F Plus to lay bare the non-magic and total lack of mystery of Diablo Cody's valentine to herself, "Candy Girl: A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper". Take a peek behind the curtain and behold a book in which everybody talks exactly like... Diablo Cody. Lotta laffs this time around, and some of the worst prose and opinions we've seen yet.   Recommendations: "Please Kill Me" and "The Other Hollywood" by Legs McNeil "Girl In a Band" by Kim Gordon "Playing the Whore" by Melissa Gira Grant   Music: "Scorpio's Dance" by Shocking Blue "Skyway" by the Replacements "Tip Drill" by Nelly (feat. St Lunatics)

A lot of old-school fun this time around, as Chris and J discuss Lee Child's strangely tame thriller/exploration of male fantasy "Killing Floor". Chris drinks way too much delicious Bicycle coffee (roasted in Oakland! Delivered by bicycle!) and gets super-squirrelly. J ponders a minor rebrand for IDEOTVPOD. New segments get new songs and there is much rejoicing. Recommendations: Firesign Theatre ‎http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sCzgdF_WjOg Patricia Highsmith   Music: "Oh No" -- Mos Def, Nate Dogg & Pharoahe Monch "Reach the Beach" -- The Fixx "Put the Lime in the Coconut" -- Baja Men "Spy" -- They Might Be Giants

They can't all be winners, and Frank G. Slaughter's "The Curse of Jezebel" definitely proves that axiom. Join us and semi-regular guest Centa Schumacher as we discuss a book that can probably be best described as "biblical fan-fiction". Really boring biblical fan-fiction. Music:"Up All Night" -- Slaughter"Here Come the Rome Plows" -- Drive Like Jehu"The Israelites" -- Desmond Dekker

Well then. Here's a book that probably blew your dad's mind back in the day. Sorry about your dad's mind, really and truly. Join our unnamed narrator and a cast of characters including our unnamed narrator's secret personality, his son, and a bunch of people who don't really matter, as they travel across the country and have very trite thoughts about the nature of reason. Whee! Recommendations:"Fury Road""The Dead Mountaineer's Inn" -- Arkady and Boris Strugatsky. Music:"Just the Two of Us" -- Will Smith"Hippy Dippy Do" -- Rocket From the Crypt"Wild Mountain Nation" -- Blizten Trapper"Powdered Water Too" -- Eyedea & Abilities

That's wild stuff, man. Wild. In this episode, we discuss Rich Shapero's "Wild Animus" with guest Tim Faust. Jay is convinced that this is the worst book he's read for this show. That is saying a lot. Steel yourselves. SO MANY CAVEATS: sorry about the audio weirdness, it's still a very listenable show, but there are a lot of obvious growing pains in this episode when it comes to "how to mic three people." next time will be better. also the dog is noisy as hell but nobody ever seems to mind that so whatever. Music:"Black Betty (Ram Jam)" - Steely Dan"Hungry Like the Wolf" - Reel Big Fish"The Choice is Yours" - Black Sheep  

HEY GUYS GUESS WHAT! For once, I Don't Even Own a Television makes good on repeated promises of "big changes" as we introduce former guest Chris Collision in his new role as all-the-time co-host. In this episode, Chris and J. kick the tires a bit and discuss Blake Crouch's "Pines", an amazingly tepid twist-based thriller that's about to be an amazingly cancelled television series. There are some minor audio glitches in the beginning of the episode that get sorted out towards the end, your patience is appreciated. Music: "20th Century Fox Theme" by Alfred Newman, "Mob Goes Wild" by Clutch, "Wayward Pines" by J. W. Friedman

This week's book is some sweet brogrammin' intrigue, a spy story geared towards the hip high-tech youth of America, circa 2004. Screenwriter and sports columnist Bill Hanstock joins me as we follow the incognito adventures of mobile technology stalwart Adam Cassidy. Will he infiltrate a company and liberate their secrets? Will he learn to love Ani DiFranco? Will he see some butts? Find out with us. Music: "Roc-a-fella Billionaires" by Freeway, "Be Thankful for What You've Got" by William De Vaughn, "The Destroyer" by The Kinks

This time, the book in question is Beatrice Sparks' "Treacherous Love: The Diary of an Anonymous Teenager". Following in the tradition of Sparks' most well-known work, "Go Ask Alice", this is a fake diary by a teenager who never existed. In it, we follow the escapades of Jennie as she discovers marijuana, visits Yellowstone Park, and is seduced by a creepy teacher named J.J. who talks like a self-help manual. Joining me this week is returning guest Mara Wilson, who can be found at http://www.marawilsonwritesstuff.com Bumper Music:"Don't Stand So Close to Me" -- The Police"Young Girl" -- Gary Puckett & The Union Gap"When I Kissed the Teacher" -- ABBA

A rip-roaring return to form after a month-and-a-half hiatus. This episode, I'm getting down to business and discussing Ben Stein's finanical thriller "On The Brink" with returning guest Jeb Lund and first-timer Rocky Swift. We dissect the politics and amazingly weird writing of America's favorite Boring Teacher From the Movies, and struggle to understand why anybody would write a 'suspense' novel about creeping inflation. Things even get a little educational. But then we talk about dicks. NOTE: Jeb wanted to apologize for fucking up the OPEC Crisis and Postal Strike chronology during the Nixon Administration. It probably doesn't matter, because Ben Stein has all this stuff happen at once, but you don't need to write in with corrections. He knows he's wrong, and he's sorry. Bumper Music: "Frankenstein" by Edgar Winters, "itzsoweezee" by De La Soul, "The Million Dollar Man Theme" by Jimmy Hart & JJ Maguire

In this episode, I'm joined by Alexander Hinman to discuss "The Actuator: Fractured Earth". "The Actuator" is a new video ga-- er-- book series about a group of "machine monks" who wield the power to shape reality to their liking using a machine called "The Actuator" except they're all weird nerds that the government kidnapped so all their fantasy worlds are dragons and steampunk shit. The protagonists travel through many leve-- er-- locales, in search of magical keys -- er -- no, wait, they actually DO look for magical keys. The book is a clusterfuck. Please enjoy the show. Book: "The Actuator: Fractured Earth" by James Wymore and Aiden James Bumper Songs: "Jump" by Kriss Kross, "Fantasy" by Aldo Nova, "My Girlfriend's a Robot" by the Hanson Brothers

Today I'm joined by playwright and fellow music-obsessive Ben Firke and we discuss "Scar Tissue", the autobiography of Red Hot Chili Peppers' Anthony Keidis. We shed some light on our respective pasts with the group, talk about the book, and crack each other up a lot with impressions. This is a good one.

In this episode, all pretense of structure is abandoned when Centa and I discuss "Real Men Don't Eat Quiche", a guide to American manliness by Bruce Feirstein. And YES, I know it was Bobby Riggs and not Jon MacEnroe, I messed up, yeesh. Bumper Music: "Now You're a Man" by DVDA, "The Anvil Chorus", "Be a Man" by "Macho Man" Randy Savage (pbuh)

Writer and cartoonist K Thor Jensen joins me this week as we discuss the triumphant tale of the barbarian *ahem* Grignr as he invokes the god *ahem* Mrifk in his fight against the evil forces of *ahem* Agafnd and also some kind of gemstone that turns into a giant slime or blob or something like that. "The Eye of Argon" is notorious within fantasy and sci-fi fandom circles, and with good reason. If you're already familiar with this story, you know what to expect. If you aren't, HOLY CRAP DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING RIGHT THIS INSTANT AND FIND IT. This book/story/novella is friggin bonkers and worth every second it takes to read. There are some audio issues at points in this recording but I know you will all deal with it because you are troopers. Bumper music: "He-Man" theme song, "Desert Rain" by Iced Earth

"Vampirism, Necromancy, Supernatural Mayhem... and Screaming Bloody Terror." Um... yep. That's what's in this book all right. Join Chris Collision and myself as we rip the guts out of this novel and dance around with them in an autopsy room. Note: This is the first episode with a new microphone so there are some small audio issues but you will deal with them because you literally have no choice. Music: "Graveyard Chamber" by Gravediggaz, "Night of the Vampire" by Roky Erickson