How To Survive

It's episode 135... and somewhere in the world, the wrong pig met up with the wrong bat. Contagion (2011) tells the story of a number of separate people who are all linked by their involvement in the outbreak of a deadly disease. Researchers, World Health Organisation workers, Conspiracy theorists and everyday people (played by a star-studded cast) are in a race against time to save the world from the spread of a fatal virus. We talk about the benefits of a vegan diet; the importance of washing your hands; and the sure-fire safety of walking around all the time in a home-made hazmat suit. Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: My wife makes me take off my clothes in the garage. Then she leaves out a bucket of warm water and some soap. And then she douses everything in hand sanitizer after I leave.  Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world. Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 134... and this is how we fix problem in the Russian space station! Armageddon (1998) tells the story of Harry Stamper and his crew of high-testosterone, middle-American, low-rate oil rig workers. After a meteor the size of Texas is detected, headed towards earth, the crew are trained as astronauts and sent into space so they can drill into the asteroid and blow it up with nuclear bombs.  No, really. We talk about the mismatch in on-the-job training given to oil rig workers in comparison to astronauts; the questionable decision to give the highest level of clearance to a civilian with two horses in the race; and the benefits of falling in love with your boss's daughter. Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I am not crazy! I'm just a little emotional right now, ok? Ya'll throwing all this stuff at me, man! Look, I mean, after this is over, can I like get a hug from you or something? Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world. Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com Foll

It's episode 133 and we're going to get you. We're going to get you. Not another peep. Time to go to sleep. The Evil Dead (1981) tells the story of four students who head to a cabin in the woods to celebrate spring break. Before long, they accidentally uncover a magic book, and accidentally raise the dead. As if thats not bad enough, the dead they raise is evil! Will they make it out alive? We talk about the a common-sense approach to nighttime safety; the benefits of chopping up your dead life partner with a chainsaw; and the importance of remembering you can punch holes in wood, when you're trapped in a wooden structure. Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I fear that the only way to stop those possessed by the spirits of the book is through the act of... bodily dismemberment. Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world. Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 132 and this is an accident, a forgotten, perpetual public works project. You think anybody wants to ask questions? All they want is a clear conscience and a fat paycheck. Cube (1997) tells the story of a group of people who are trapped in a gigantic cube, made of thousands of smaller cubes. A large number of the cubes are filled with dreadful booby traps. Will they put their differences aside to escape? Do the numbers on the floor indicate the route forward?  We talk about the importance of group unity; whether correlation equates to causation when it comes to being named; and the importance of keeping a cool head in the face of violent coercion. Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I'm just a guy, I work in an office building doing office building stuff. I wasn't exactly bursting with joie de vivre before I got here, life just sucks in general. Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world. Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 131 and against all odds, we've finally covered a movie about astral projection. Insidious (2010) tells the story of Renai and Josh, young parents who have just moved into a new home. When their eldest son falls into a medically unexplained coma, weird things start happening in their home - and nothing is as it seems (and nothing is as it could be predicted or worked out in a thousand years of guessing). We talk about understanding your abilities when in a new environment; the importance of asking the important questions; and the dangers of opting for the last resort before you've tried the first, second or even third resorts. Whatever happens, one thing's for sure:I came today because last night I had a dream about this place. I was in this house, but it was late at night. I was afraid. Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world. Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 130 and that can only mean one thing - the fourth instalment in the classic Paranormal Activity franchise! Paranormal Activity 4 (2012) continues the ongoing saga of Katie, Toby and Hunter, this time told through the clumsier-than-ever framing device of a self-obsessed teenage neighbour who (for some reason) records everything in her life on a video camera.  We talk about the often random nature of the titular paranormal activity, the risks of secretly sedating your children and the value of spotting a fake in today's socio-political climate. Also hear more 'Film Dad' chat and discover how to crowbar Star Wars into literally any pop song, in what critics are already calling 'another episode of How to Survive'. Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: He looks just like his mother. Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world. Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 129...and bon appetit! Raw (2016) tells the story of Justine, a young vegetarian girl who begins a new life at veterinary school. She is met with intense initiation ceremonies, late nights, parties, and the sudden irrepressible urge to eat meat... of all kinds. We talk about the half-measures of vegetarianism; the importance of teaching your children about the risks of chicken as a gateway food to human; and Joe talks about being a vegan again. Obviously. Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I'm just getting milk, ok? Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world. Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 128...and I think they want us for dinner tonight! Cannibal Holocaust (1980) tells the story of Harold Monroe, a sociologist sent into the Amazonian rainforest to find out what happened to a missing documentary crew. Cannibal Holocaust is honestly a terrible film. Don't bother watching it. I'm not even sure why we watched it. I think someone asked us to cover it once in an email or a tweet but I can't remember. In many ways I can't remember anything before I watched Cannibal Holocaust, but I can remember feeling happiness and joy and a lust for life in general that is now sadly absent from my hollow shell of an existence. Cannibal Holocaust has, in a very real sense, sapped the lifeforce from me in a manner that I'm not sure will ever be reversed. Maybe I wouldn't even want it to be reversed. Maybe this feeling of cosmic emptiness is a kind of punishment for watching it. If it is then I welcome it. I am forever scarred. I am forever a lesser person for having seen Cannibal Holocaust. Don't watch

It's episode 126...and I lost my daughter to the abyss, but tonight I am calling her back. The Void (2016) tells the story of Dan, a police officer who comes across an injured man and takes him to the hospital. At the hospital, weird stuff starts to happen, including horrific mutations of nurses into monsters; the appearance of a sinister group of violent cult members; inexplicable power outages; and murder most foul. We talk about the security of a good hiding place; the importance of knowing which negotiations are mission-critical; and the merits of shooting first and asking questions never. All of which leads to one question...how would you survive? Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: statistically you're more likely to die in a hospital than anywhere else. Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world. Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 126...and be afraid... be very afraid... The Fly (1986) tells the story of Seth Brundle, a scientist who invents a way to transport objects through space. When testing the machine on himself, he accidentally fuses his DNA with that of a fly which was trapped in the machine - and he begins to slowly turn into a man/fly hybrid! We talk about the benefits of the boys in blue; the convenience of insect repellent sprays; and we finally answer once and for all: which animal is it best to splice your dna with, and slowly turn into? All of which leads to one question...how would you survive? Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I'm an insect who dreamt he was a man and loved it. Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world. Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 125...and with great a great podcast comes great responsibility... Spider-Man (2002) tells the story of Peter Parker, a nerdy teenager who is bitten by a radioactive spider and gains: super-human strength, the ability to climb walls, the ability to shoot webs, freakish spatial awareness and cheeky wit - all the things you would associate with spiders. We talk about the dangers of lying to your friends; the benefits of shopping around for good investors; and the least competent police force since Friday the 13th. All of which leads to one question...how would you survive? Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Go web! Fly! Up, up, and away web! Shazaam! Go! Go! Go web go! Tally ho. Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world. Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 124...and I will fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. Wonder Woman (2017) tells the origin story of Diana Prince, Amazonian Princess of Themyscira and superhero also known as (unsurprisingly) Wonder Woman. When a super spy from some Great War lands on her shores she's sure she can stop the fighting simply by killing her nemesis Ares - but has she underestimated the cruelty of man? We round off 2017 with a female-led cinematic success story, address the clanging World War One-shaped elephant in the DC Comics-shaped room and wonder if it's wise to teach your enemy about their greatest power. All this as we finally cover a superhero film on the podcast. It only took 124 episodes! All of which leads to one question...how would you survive? Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I can not stand by while innocent lives are lost! Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world. Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Happy Boxing Day! What better way to celebrate than by watching a film with an increasingly tenuous link to the festive period? Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990) reintroduces us to plucky cop John McClane, who is at the airport awaiting the arrival of his wife for the festive period. But oh no! A nefarious terrorist group are staging a mission with evil intent at the very same airport! On Christmas Eve! Of all the bad luck. We pull the cracker on this mediocre sequel, question whether it's a good idea to fire a machine gun in a crowded police station (blanks or otherwise) and our hearts grow ever fonder of the sadly absent Alan Rickman. All of which leads to one question...how would you survive? Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You are just in the wrong place, at the wrong time. Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world. Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's Christmas! Here is the first of 2017's How to Survive Christmas Specials Home Alone 3 tells the story of Alex, a young boy who becomes stricken with chickenpox. Alex's parents leave him home alone, which is unfortunate as his neighbourhood is under attack from four spies hired by the North Korean government to steal a missile chip from the US Air Force.  We talk about the least appropriate children's movie villains in living memory; the least interesting and relatable protagonist in living memory; and we discuss of a set of injuries which would have Joe Pesci spinning in his grave (if he was dead...) All of which leads to one question...how would you survive? Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I have warned you about that telescope. You look through it long enough, you're gonna start seeing things, whether or not they're there. Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world. Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 123...and this isn't going to go the way you think. It's nearly Christmas and that can only mean one thing - Disney have started up the Star Wars machine and churned out another episode of our favourite far, far away franchise. Set your phasers to lightspeed! Rian Johnson's The Last Jedi (2017) finds us once again following Rey, Finn, Poe, Ren and Luke, as well as some characters with more than one syllable in their names, as they venture across the galaxy to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and to boldly go where no Star Wars has gone before. We pick apart every controversy, plot twist and fanboy meltdown, eulogise over Adam Driver, suggest a change in tact for TIE fighters, and Joe once again manages to crowbar in some discussion of his veganism for good measure. All of which leads to one question...how would you survive? Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: we are the spark, that will light the fire, that will start the blaze, that will ignite the inferno, that will heat the

Slight delay on today's podcast but rest assured that our episode on The Last Jedi will be out on Thursday the 21st of December, plus there's a whole lot more coming your way over Christmas. Cheers!

It's episode 122...and I like big fat men like you. When they fall they make more noise.   The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966) tells the story of a trio of bandits in search for buried gold, complete with all the betrayals, standoffs and shootouts you'd expect from the Wild West. Clint Eastwood starring as the enigmatic Blondie in what is undoubtedly one of the great Western cinematic epics, but will it be the Good, the Bad or the Ugly who wins the day, and the treasure? Only one way to find out... We tackle perhaps the greatest villain introduction in cinematic history, draw our pistols on idiotic gun shop owners and Joe, a politically-motivated vegan, spends a full 10 minutes trying to a way to advocate torturing a man for information. No, really. All of which leads to one question...how would you survive? Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: When that rope starts to pull tight, you can feel the Devil bite your ass. Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world. Get in touch! howto

It's episode 121...and they tell me you're a man with true grit. True Grit (2010) tells the story of Mattie Ross, a precocious 14-year old farm girl who sets out to avenge her father's death with the help of cantankerous drunkard Rooster Cogburn and cantankerous teetotaler LaBoeuf. Together the trio trek across the Old West in search of justice, cornbread and - above all else - a coward by the name of Tom Chaney. We consider the Coens, debate the Deakins, field the question of field amputations and ask ourselves if it's better to be a coward than a cowboy, all while discussing Joe's favourite film of all time. All of which leads to one question...how would you survive? Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You must pay for everything in this world, one way or another. Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world. Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod      

It's episode 120...and this isn't Casper the fucking friendly ghost you're chasing! Paranormal Activity 3 (2011) takes us back to the 1980s to find out the fascinating backstory of Katie, Kristi and Toby the pesky poltergeist, all shot in crisp late-noughties HD footage! When the furniture starts flying, there's only one solution...film it all for posterity! We tackle the usual plot twists and contrivances, ask ourselves if a Witches' Coven is too covenient, and wax lyrical about the creative use of rotating fans. All of which leads to one question...How would you survive? Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: if you saw me talking to somebody, it would be Toby. Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world. Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod        

It's episode 119...and I knew before you told me that you've got an American flag in your home. You've probably got more than one. Brawl in Cell Block 99 (2017) tells the story of Bradley, a drug runner caught in the crossfire between his job, his morals and his family. Sent to prison, needless to say things go badly for baldy Bradley. We talk about how far it's worth pushing your moral code, phoning friends and the importance of neck exercises when facing up against Vince Vaughn's hulking physique. All of which leads to one question... How would you survive? Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world!