#millennial

With Andrew missing in action, we decide to display some of our own #alternatefacts. Tourists. Good for the economy. Bad for literally everything else.  Listener Feedback asks for our advice on how to handle Trump-loving relatives and traveling alone. We provide zero insight.  News kicks off with the Women's Marches: a movement, or just a moment? And why liberals can sometimes be their own worst enemy. President Insecurity is determined to make Americans believe he won the popular vote... by upending confidence in our democratic system! Why not! #FuckIt Snapchat is let off the hook after one of its stupid features inspires a stupid woman to drive 100 MPH and cause a major stupid traffic accident.  Devil's Advocate asks us to argue in favor of some of Trump's first Executive Orders. Our souls wither.  And in After Dark: A quick look at how the cabinet is shaping up, but really, not really. This gets weird fast as we decide to take a break from serious news and just shoot the shit. We accept Andrew's firing

Note: This episode was recorded before the Presidential Inauguration. The Women's Marches are going to be YUGE. Trump's inauguration probably won't. AP Choice makes a comeback with questions about credit scores on dating sites, how to make a difference in this new political environment, and Lady Gaga. Shocking news out of Massachusetts: ExxonMobil may have been funding climate change denial propaganda for the past 40 years. By shocking we mean not shocking. The Greatest Show on Earth comes to an end - are zoos next? More at 5. Hidden from the Headlines examines why the Florida state legislature is about to make it legal to bring guns to school. Because why not. #TrumpsAmerica This little finger went to the anus. This little finger did too. This third finger joined them - and oh God that's not a finger. Surprise, bitch! gets Andrew way too excited over a listener who works at a marijuana dispensary. And in this week's After Dark: Laura shares her latest horror story from the Tales of Home-Buying. Millenni

We reminisce on our favorite Obama qualities and the changes he's enacted over the past 8 years. Surprise, bitch! goes terribly awry because of fucking course it does. We welcome Kid Rock to the show. In this week's After Dark: We planned a real conversation, we promise. But some of us just need a dick in the ass first. What's our plan for inauguration day? What do we see going down? The Women's March on Washington next week is expected to have even greater turnout. We sense the mass alignment of menstrual cycles already. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to 2017. Welcome to season 3. Please manage your expectations for both.  Happy New Year, sycophants. Two truths, one lie reveals which of us is the loser that stayed home and got drunk with her dad. Wikishits announces their descent into the 6th Circle of Hell as they plan to release the private information of Twitter users.  U.S. intelligence agencies have definitively concluded that Vladimir Putin ordered an "influence campaign" to sway the U.S. presidential election. "U.S. intelligence agencies clearly part of liberal propaganda wheel," reports Breitbart.  Sucks to suck: Fox News loses Megyn Kelly to MSNBC. "After our deliberate coverup of Roger Aisles' sexual harassment, we are shocked," said no one anywhere.  Hidden from the Headlines ponders what holy angel has gotten into China lately.  The Number reveals none of us know what we're talking about.  Surprise, Bitch! welcomes a traitor to the show. Thanks for nothing, Jim.    In season 3's first installment of After Dark (available to $2+ Patro

In our last show of the year, we streamed LIVE for Patrons and welcomed back a long-lost host. Happy birthday, Laura. We hope this embarrasses you, Laura. News jumps off with a report from Aleppo, Syria, where thousands of unarmed civilians have been slaughtered. Know what it is now, Gary? Biden/Obama 2020: Because Obama's departure feels too real after his last-ever press conference of the year. Get into the holiday spirit with our annual GIFT EXCHANGE!!! Who the fuck got Andrew that?! Farm girls have great calves. #FYI Goodbye, 2016. What will 2017 hold? We guess the new year's upcoming headlines. In this episode's After Dark: We bring Devil's Advocate back and challenge ourselves to argue: why was 2016 the best year? (Lol) World peace. Or world destruction. Our individual hopes for the new year vary. Andrew relives a tragic New Years Eve story. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In our penultimate “fuck this year” episode, all of our hosts return!  Except the other chick “Welcome to the jungle, we got fun and games - we got volcanoes exploding.. right in your face.”  The Hamilton Mixtape is now available on Spotify! (Or for purchase if you’re 1000 years old).  The Dakota Access Pipeline (DAPL) has been struck down for now, but what will happen under a Trump Presidency?  Amazon Go is here to scan your phone for all those dick pics. “Put the Magnums down, Jonathan, the Lifestyles are right in front of you.”  Afraid President Pussy Grabber Elect might lose access to his Twitter? Never fear - technology is being expanded so POTUS can use the cellular emergency alert system to let us know what else he thinks is overrated, sad, or bad.  Trump the Distractor: Laura explains why the GOP has warmed to Trump, and why all of his gaffes and faux pas are intended to distract us.  Meanwhile, Senator Turtle McTurtleton of the Galapagos is threatening to scrap the filibuster if Democrats try t

It's the Andrew and Matt show on this week's #Millennial, so we're doing things a little differently! Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday: We recap these four… uh… holidays. Updates: The New York Times has seen some major growth since the Election, while fake news continues to spin out of control. We share our thoughts on Disney's latest musical, Moana. Did they try to create another Let It Go 'moment'? Andrew thinks so. NASA wants help in making it easier for astronauts to poop. Listeners write in with their questions regarding fandom, heartbreak, Los Angeles, good habits, and holiday traditions. Surprise Bitch: Redemption Edition. One person answers, another doesn't (but we end up speaking to the latter in After Dark!). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Buckle up, minions: we’re so deep in the Dumpster Fire the theme music is no longer audible. What are we thankful for? Nothing (except Bruce Springsteen). Trump was shocked to learn that the leader of the free world tends to live in the nation’s capitol. Alexander Hamilton has a thing about picking fights with Vice Presidents, which is a convenient distraction for the $25 million Trump University settlement. But for real, We talk Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (hint: the West Wing circa 2017) BEWARE: Here there be spoilers! Listener Earnie piques Andrew’s interest in being a cross-contintenal road whore. And on this week’s installment of After Dark: "Hello darkness my old friend,” said the Walmart employee as he ventured into the dimly lit megamart at 3 am for a long day of scanning barcodes and questioning the life choices that led him to this point. Who the fuck goes Black Friday shopping anyway? (hint: Andrew) Can millennials and our lack of disposable income save future genera

Well, we’re back from our election trip, and everything is terrible. But we’re kicking this episode off with a soothing meditation session to help you ugly cry those election woes out. Speaking of the election, we’re taking a break from politics this week. Sorry not sorry. We share stories of our adventures in DC, and Laura’s harrowing tale of being bullied by a second grader brings on the feels. Fantastic Beauty and the Beasts starring Hermione Granger coming to a theater near you! New from JKR: Andrew Sims and the Prisoner of Glowing Japanese Toilets. Apart from electing Orange Hitler, the US fails in other ways: tales of sugar addiction and lack of butt hoses (for that nice clean feeling!). Lauren from Dallas actually answered her phone, so we’ll be “surprising” her exclusively from this point forward. And in this week’s After Dark: Call it a Facebook Newsfeed, they said. It won’t negatively impact the election at all, they said. “Hillary Clinton drinks the blood of puppies and bathes in stem-cell baths

We're sad y'all. What does this mean for the future of the country? We offer our early reactions and how to cope with such a devastating vote. In the next episode we'll discuss the GOOD parts of hanging out together! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Halloween was an identity crisis for one of us, who faced the toughest Harry Potter quiz of her life.  We've got 99 problems and Anthony Weiner is literally all of them. Dumpster Fire: The Penultimate Edition questions how one man's dick can exert so much power. Who will take Florida? How many beers will Andrew drink? Will Laura drunkenly hit on strangers at the bar? These and more important election night predictions. Goodbye, Clusterfuck 2016. We hardly knew ye. Standing Rock Sioux protests against an oil pipeline that would run through their sacred land are finally getting more attention. If you want to help: Call North Dakota Governor Jack Dalrymple at 701-328-2200. Tell him to stand with Standing Rock. Sign the White House petition here. Donate to the Standing Rock Sioux tribe to help fund their protest efforts. Perhaps most importantly, call the Army Corps of Engineers and demand that they reverse the permit: 202-761-5903 And in this week's After Dark: We discuss our upcoming election trip; And

#Millennial reporting live from the end of the Republic, with only two more weeks left before the next - and depending on how it goes, maybe the last - presidential election. -Is Wonder Woman an empowering role model for girls worldwide, or just over-sexualized spank bank material for boys? The UN deliberates. Tonight at 9. -AT&T announces it's buying Time Warner for a monumental $85.4 billion. Harry Potter asks if this means he'll get free roaming. -A new installment of Trumpster Fire 2016 comes with a PSA about polling booth selfies, brought to you by: Justin Timberlake - bringing felonies back since 2004. -The Number asks us to guess which state has the highest per capita number of sex toys, and spoiler alert, it's NOT GEORGIA. NICE SLACKING THERE LAURA. -Surprise, bitch! is a massive failure, much like this show. In this week's After Dark: -Halloween is almost here, and we kick it off with another creep ass story from our resident ghost hunter. -Close the portal. -Where should costumes draw the l

Welcome back to the show, Pam! Note: This episode was recorded BEFORE the debate. This week's After Dark will have our thoughts on the third and final brawl! Shit is real now in the fight against ISIS. We discuss the Battle for Mosul. Andrew tries to share some health tips for those in their 20s, but Matt apparently knows them all. The Montreal Protocol just got a lot tougher and COOLER. Canada decides to "Tell America It's Great," and we decide to return the favor. Warning: NSFW ;) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Haiti's death toll from Hurricane Matthew has soared past 900 -- and thousands more are suffering from the rapid spread of cholera. Donate whatever you can spare to Unicef's Haiti mission or Hope for Haiti.  "BREAKING NEWS: DONALD TRUMP SHOCKS WORLD, REVEALS RAMPANT SEXISM" said no one who's watched him speak longer than 10 seconds before today. TapeGate does reveal one new thing, however: Donald Trump isn't just a minsogynst. He's also a sexual assaulter. And he brags about it. These. Aren't. Just. WORDS.   The second presidential debate: where no one won, because we all lost.  Pol Pot. Kim Jung Un. Donald Trump. Which of these is not like the other? (Trick question.) Hidden from the Headlines warns against fear mongering with a new, surprising revelation: the world is actually doing okay. (Mostly.) Surprise, bitch! Have you ever heard of Harry Potter? And in this week's After Dark: Pence/Trump: the new GOP dream, why everyone is advocating for it, and why it won't happen. "Yer a wizard, Thomas." We sort

Andrew met Bruce Springsteen and died from exposure. RIP. But he'll be resurrected in time for election night - where we'll all be hanging out in D.C. to watch the results roll in. Think you might want to join? Let us know here. BREAKING NEWS: Using loopholes to avoid paying millions in taxes unironically lauded by campaign whose slogan is "law and order." "How to Win at Debating by Being a Keebler Elf," a novel, by Tim Kaine. Hidden from the Headlines brings us the story of the poor, downtrodden plastic industry, yearning for freedom from France's tyrannical environmental laws. #NotTheOnion Fuck Off, Cupid - and an associated tirade against people who can't handle rejection. And in this week's After Dark: Laura's been vlogging live from her car - what are some of our biggest pet peeves re: rules of the road and terrible drivers? AP Choice investigates. AP Choice also asks us about marriage. Where do we stand on it? Will any of us attain it? Why do listeners email us asking why we aren't already? More at

Americans: You're running out of time to register to vote. Get on that NOW if you haven't already! Shout out to our friend Sarah at the HP-Alliance - their most recent campaign is called Wizard Rock the Vote, and its endeavor is to register new voters and empower people to get out the vote in their own communities. Hit the link above to participate, and enter for a chance to win a Harry Potter book signed by J.K. Rowling! Laura wants us to get our flu shots, while Andrew wants to know what we'd save in a fire. Surprise, Bitch: It's Laura's son! He's drunk, alone, and watching Narcos. Laura wants to give him a lesson in 'playing with his phone' ;) ;) ;) This week, in After Dark… Laura's phone is wet. We discuss business horror stories. Who's screwed us over, and what are we doing about it? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The FBI director says it's a good idea to cover up your camera. Pumpkin Spice EVERYTHING is back. And Laura confesses to being a white girl. In Dumpster Fire 2016, we discuss a Bush's vote for Hillary, Trump using charity money to settle legal problems, and the damn birther movement. What do we expect to happen in next week's first Presidential Debate? Surprise, Bitch! It's your lucky day! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Some MVP listeners ask Andrew why he thinks "a hole is a hole." Andrew digs his grave deeper.  HAPPY 9/11 MATT!!! The birthday boy reminds us two national tragedies were born that day.  Dumpster Fire 2016: Deplorable Lives Matter. Overheatin' Hillary. Real time election results. The end of our Republic.  We welcome Trump spokeswoman MaryAnne Katherine Kelly Sue to the show.  An American oil company is asking Native American tribes in North Dakota to trust them, seriously, everything will be fine, when has the U.S. ever steered you wrong?  "North Korea is best Korea," civilians said sarcastically. Now they're in internment camps and we're hiding under our desks. It's getting hot in herre. So pay the IRS before they burn the rest of your house down.  And in this week's After Dark: One of the hosts spends 10 consecutive minutes talking about their ass. #ButtPlugGate is revealed.  #Millennial PSA: Vomit is not an aphrodisiac.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew isn't here, so we answer all your burning questions about him.  Warner Bros' legendary failure of the week has us asking: if company slogans were 100% honest, what would they be?  This week in science: antibacterials don't work, and neither do your genes. Why the FDA ruled against antibacterials and why you're probably fat. Tonight at 9. Lions and tigers and zika, oh my! And bees and butterflies and pollinators across 48 contiguous states dying from a new zika-targeted pesticide. Oh... shit.  Don't set cars on fire. Use your feces instead.  And in this week's installment of Dumpster Fire 2016: technology continues to be Hillary Clinton's greatest nemesis, but taco trucks may be her savior.  In this week's After Dark: As aging Millennials, we're starting to get asked a lot about having kids. Why.  How do we want to raise our kids? Why is Laura's daughter named Pedro? An impromptu round of Google that Shit reveals a lot of Americans are losing their children.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit

Bienvenido a Jacob, nuestro último ganador del Boleto de Oro! We bring a little culture to the show with a story from Mexico.  But we don't steep in our newfound intellectualism for long. Mayo or man juice? Trick question: both. Surprise, bitch! takes us on the road with a traveling listener. Google that Shiiiiiiiit: Sponsored by the End of Human Intellect.  Colin Kaepernick: the new face of terrorism in America.  Donald Trump visits Mexico (we're sorry), Twitter has given up all fucks, and there's a clown stalking children in the woods. Abandon Earth.  And in this week's After Dark:  Laura apologizes for making the AD theme song so much better than the main show's. We do not accept. WHAT IS GOING ON ANTHONY WEINER. Y U DO DIS. No seriously. What the fuck. Slate argues in favor of "ghosting" at parties, and we find out Millennials are destroying the soap industry. No one likes scraping pubes off a bar of Irish Spring.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices