Death Metal Dads

The Dads are back after a long absence, and dive into a veritable treasure trove of Floridian folklore, spanning the dirty basements that spawned Death to the cocaine-crusted speedboats fearlessly captained by Jimmy Buffett. Also more Sweatpants Chat. Further pontifications as follows: Oh, The Huge Manatee, The TV That You Watch The News On That Is Also On The News On TV, A Furious Rant About Dickholes And Buttflaps, A Requiem For Tom Petty, Rat Weed And Playgrounds, DMD Gets A New Recording Device, How Many Marleys?, The Inert Police Force of Colorado Springs, Colorado, That Thing That Happened With The Dick Pics And The Oakland Police Department, Lieutenant Joe Kenda Always Gets His Man, How To Not Make Friends And Not Influence People, Interdimensional Lovecraft Portal Shit, Sunn Ra))), Alameda: Where The Past And The Future Collide, Supportive Funky Kong ASMR Videos, Friendly Crackheads, YOU'RE NO PRIZE!, Listener "Rod" And The Sweatpants Conundrum, Blood Duster: Season 12 Material, Euro Porn Dudes, A Cau

Join The 27 Club with The Dads as they welcome their best friend (and father of modern podcasting) Cory Sklar (Chaki, the internationally-renowned Illogical Contraption Radio) to the show, in a dark and subtly nuanced conversation about fucking couches, doing blow, slapping bass, and dodging nukes. Will they find the creamy center of Cory's brain, and figure out what makes this funky balladeer's inner time bomb tick? Your guess is as good as mine! Also infernally exalted herein: Playing Megadeth Covers In A Hungry Hunter In 2030, A Guy That Needs A Pocket Pussy, Lox of Love, Moving To A Monastery And Making Dungeon Synth, Can I Fuck Your Kids First?, Brown Nazis, Snorting Coke With The Guy From Iron Butterfly, Great Moments In Guns N Roses Bloopers History, Delivering A Goat Head To The Oakland Metro, Sunny Day Real Estate Agents, Mall Metal, Ken M In The Yahoo Comments, Ted McGinley: Horseman of the Apocalypse, No Snow No Show, Ian From Skrewdriver, Talking About Jawbreaker In 2017, Bumblefoot Chat, The Goth

In today's exhaustive expulsion of erratic estimations, the Dads are joined in the loud and stinky bowels of the Oakland Music Complex by comedian, weirdo, vocalist, and fellow dad Scott Vermeire (Sad Vicious, Talkies). After a couple shots of Jeppson's Malort, the conversation quickly turns to sadness and desperation, culminating in the cathartic howls of grown men paying tortured obeisance to their own quiet mortality. Dick jokes too! Also contained within these cursed 80 minutes: An Awkward Encounter, One Million Tugs, Vaudeville!, The Traditional Consumption of Regional Liqueurs and Resulting Regrets (Two-Fisted Enthusiasm), Endless Elder Archons, Blowing Hobos, Fetish-Inclusive Boner Chat, The Menstrual Hut, Rastafarians And Naughty Dogs, Fretless Bass Corrections Officers, The Thing That Happened At Sketchfest, A Vicious Bicycle From Minnesota, The Return of The Thing About The Dog And The Peanut Butter, Investing Time And Money In Specifically Non-Marketable Entertainment Ventures, The Radley Metzger S

Join the Dads as they celebrate their quarter-century episode deep in the dank dungeons of Earhammer Studios, with none other than its proprietor and sole beneficiary Greg Wilkinson (Brainoil, DeathgraVe). Things get weird fast and everyone involved becomes very uncomfortable. Will the Dads get out alive?!  Also discussed: Unexplained Swelling, The Removal of Testament-Related Memories, Oxiplegatz Chatz, Two Thirty-Gallon Trashcans Full of Empty Olympias (Courtesy of Schlong), Spiking Our Downloads By Just Dying, Nasty Sax, A Klean Kanteen Full of Urine, The Unhinged Guy From Pavor/Bethlehem, Graves At Seaside, Podcast of the Year Material, Skydiving Without A Parachute, A Totally Forgettable Recording Experience, Pig Champion On A Diet, Sacramento Jack Lemmon, The Italian Word For "Viagra", Please, My Father Was Mr. Brainoil, Grampas of Sludge, Party Fouls, Thomas Hatin' Church, Evanescencey Lady-Singing, Cambodian Food, Just "Pibb", Kids These Days And Their "Internet Memes", Chad Gailey's Green Card, Day o

In today’s salacious and enthralling installment, the Dads are joined by ultra-homie Pranjal Tiwari (Cardinal Wyrm) for a jocular journey full of tantalizing tales, disingenuous diatribes, and superlative stories. It’s a outre odyssey of  prolific proportions! Also contained herein: Brazilian Fart Girls vs Cakefarts, How To Say “Sepultura”, Altar de Faygo, Don’t Be Sad About Celtic Frost, Riot Porn vs Poverty Porn vs Siqq Riff Porn, A Special Message For People Without Eyes, Aesop’s YouTube Hacks, The (Pod)Casting Couch, A Celebration of Our 100th Episode, Out of Dads, Cleaning Up The Dismembered Pig Fetus, The Clawfinger Problem, Polish Metal Beef, A Long Meandering Story About Cunty Dudes Who Don’t Understand How Money Works, Os Mutantes and Stan Getz and Brazil Nuts and Terry Gilliam’s ‘Brazil’, A Shout Out To The Pubes On The Back of ‘Cold Lake’, Supporting A Family By Touring With A Mediocre Death Metal Band, Don’t Call That Mexican A Mexican, “Troops of Doom”: The “Freebird” of Metal, Every Band In Chin

Shelby and Aesop are back on the couch with Episode 23 (NOT 24), a philosophical exploration of all things political, gastrointestinal, musical, nautical, nonsensical, and psychedelic. Is it worth your time? There's only one way to find out... "Sextons of the churchyard Have seen unblessed things; Ground no longer hallowed Has sprouted new graves. Descendants of clan That unsurped maternity hear whispers in their blood; This summons of the Fathers. Adherence to the principle Of 'man by woman born'... Anachronistic ritual Soon to be obsolete. 'Forgive me Father For I know not what I do; My grave beckons As irresistable as drawing breath.'" - Lord Worm "Bleh" - also Lord Worm Music: Cryptopsy, "Graves of the Fathers" Night Sun, "Got A Bone of My Own"

I'm fucking tired of doing these write-ups. It's late and I have to work in the morning. We talk about Mortician in this one and then get all bummed. Listen to it, or don't. We don't fucking care. Cheers. Music: Mortician: "Chainsaw Dismemberment" Thrones: "Obolus"

The Dads are barely holding it together, and enter a marriage-counseling office in Jingletown, USA, to see if they can miraculously salvage their podcast. Assisting them is engineer, dad, and founding member of Weezer Jason Cropper, whose indispensable advice and knowledge just might heal Death Metal Dads. Can the show be saved?! Also on the menu: Fusion Confusion, Rockabillypocalypse, Legal Weed in Mayberry, Tissue Issues, Hobo Hand-Me-Downs, Hakuna Matata vs Napalm Death, Philosophical Explanations of Mr. Ed and Gilligan’s Island, The Power Station (Sex Club), The Power Station (Concert Venue), Cleaning Up After Dogstar, Not Playing Metal: The Path To Success, A Re-Visiting of The Barney Greenway The Big Purple Dinosaur Joke, Not Even “Milton Berle Good”, Just Eat Bugs Like In The Lion King, George Glass, Shitler’s List, A Friendly Conversation Between Friends, His Wife’s Magic Pussy, Crimpshrine Chat, Mendocino County Reggae Bands of the Late 80s and Early 90s, Schwarzenegger Soundboards and How They Are U

It's our very last episode. RIPDMD. Music: Merciless, "Souls of the Dead" Dust, "Thusly Spoken"

In this very very special non-denominational Mother's Day episode, the Dads take a knee with Shelby's ACTUAL mom, Jeri, in an attempt to explain just exactly HOW he got to be so awesome. Myths are dispelled, legends crumble, and also they spend about 20 minutes straight talking about diaper-shitting. I dunno. Also jabbered upon: Humboldt County Stereotypes Reinforced, Typical Deer-Repellant Salesman Maneuvers, Naming Children Sucks (Arguments For Abstinence), Cocaine Christmas With Mom, Further Complaints About Insertion, Virtual Reality Wookiee Grandpa, From Toilet To Toothbrush, Nazi Car: The Movie, Elaboration Collaboration, The Most Beautiful Taco Bell In The World, Post-Traumatic Cruiser, A Head-On Collision With The Fudge Truck, Dead Dad Revenge Selfies (Wacky Hat Edition), Those Knuckleheads In Congress: Part 2, A Paragon of Wholesomeness, Bootleg Fugazi Shirts, Fecal Chloroforms, Pants-Peeing, The Importance of Sucking First, Remembering L'Trimm, No Butt Stuff, Shitty Tipper Gore, Aesop: The College Y

The Dads sit down with a young person (Mr. Ezra Lux) for a spirited discussion on shit films, shit music, shit culture, and shit people. It's super shitty. And yet there's so much more! Also discussed herein: Jerking Off In The Cops' Waffles, The Shortest Elk, What Color Are A Deer's Antlers?, Willing To Kill For A Tank of Slurpee, Bowing Down To The Tin Lords, 14 Cobb Salads and 88 Pastrami Reubens, Questionable Banter About Sand People, Store-Brand Metamucil Chat, I Hate Necks, The Phantom Menace: Greatest Film of All Time, Beasts of The Southern Wild V: Beasts of The Southern Wild In Space, Working Out At The James, Giving Out Hand Williams, and Hanging Out With Richard Bags, Oakland Mussolini, Folk Music Fathers, Stipulations of Shelby's Parole, Karl Sanders: Chicken Entrepeneur, 4 Minutes of Frank Mullen Breathing, "Rock You Like A Hurricane (Get Over Here!)" by Scorpion, Dead Horse Meets Stick, Patricide Tips, Reviewing Metal Albums via Cheese Puns, The Greasy, Mayonnaise-Covered Hands of America's Yout

Aesop and Shelby return from a month off, re-invigorated and better than ever, with this sweeping ode to the mighty time-traveling, synthesizer-tickling entity known as NOCTURNUS. It's a dark and treacherous voyage, fraught with thrills, chills... and KILLS! Discussed herein: Those Knuckleheads In Congress, Matthew Barney Greenway The Big Purple Dinosaur, "-ER Bands", Hot Dutch Teens, Night Ribs (A BBQ Sauce Mystery), A Message To Our Fans, Weird Dumplings, Calzone Killzone, A Travel Pussy Purchased In A German Gas Station, Brooms 'N Rashes, Dutch Kiddie Porn, Bucharest's Onion District, Mom Chat, IRL Emails & Pedal Punishment, Family Shitting Time, Half Our Age But Twice As Good, The Reverse Dekker vs. The Double Deuce, Extremity News, A Lederhosen-Clad Toddler, The Inspection Shelf, Sub-Genres, Hoagie-Genres, Grinder-Genres, Nazi Dads Bonding Over Pepe Memes, Death To False Pizza, Flagrant Use of Keyboards, ENTER THE DROIDS!, Slamming The Old Lady's Ham, More Questions About Sweatpants, K-Swiss: The Bes

We're one bullet away from a gay President. And that's pretty cool.   1,000 listener emails, Dad Sex, Fatherly Advice, The DMD Bump, live audio from the Dads' appearance at SF Sketchfest 2017, and a bonus Death Metal Drive Thru courtesy of Chase from Gatecreeper. Music: Dead Congregation, "Martyrdoom/Hostis Humani Generis", "Subjugation" Blood, Sweat and Tears, "And When I Die" Live video of DMD at Sketchfest posted at deathmetaldads.com Contact: illogicalcontraption@yahoo.com

Join the Dads and their very special guest Dave Adelson (20 Buck Spin) for a mind-blowing journey into the heart of darkness, the soul of silliness, the mouth of madness, and the butt of jokes.  Discussed herein: The Mistake By The Lake, Part 2, The Harrowing Tale of the 15-Inch Burrito, Shelby Does Not Know The Guest's Name, Contra Costa County's Rich Metal History, What Max Bowman Smells Like, More Talk About The Steve DiGiorgio Statue, Fundamental Misunderstandings About Distance And Time, Sports Bars, Face-Punching, Bike Rides, Aesop's Mouth Gets A Timeout, A Trip To Applebee's, An Unpleasant Hill, HM-2 Pedals, Pinning The Sadness-ometer, Sour Cream Stains, The Hellwitch House, A Chance For Shelby To Perform His Infamous Jello Biafra Impersonation, A Gratuitous Mention of Broken Hope, Playing On Demos That Don't Exist, Driving Angry, A Shout Out To Mortiis, Cancer THE BAND, Climorta Skuld, Wild Rags Chat, Dudes That Kill Their Moms, Lack of Research, The Guitarist From Pearl Jam's Uli Jon Roth Cover Band,

In 2017's very first episode of DMD, Aesop and Shelby ride a veritable carousel of questionable and low-brow topics, in a laudable (no wait, AUDIBLE) effort to make sense of the cruel and death-filled month that was December 2016. It's a colon-cleansing romp of epic proportions! Discussed herein: Truth and Freedom in Podcasting, Facefucked By Mr. Belding, All He Wanted Was A Chocolate Milk, Hate Mail From John Hand, Brett Hoffmann's Feelings About The Broward County Jail, A Fecal "Irish Goodbye", Carrie Fisher Chat, The Cut of George Michael's Jib, Dan Blocker From Television's 'Bonanza', The Dune Holiday Special, Cynthia Rothrock You Like A Hurricane (Of Martial Arts and Mom Jeans), The Anal-conda, Chris Hansen: TV's #1 Cock-Blocker, Sweatpants Chat, Aesop's Abortion, Shelby's Speed-Pill Addiction, A Gyroscopic Thing Flying Into A Butthole In Space, Jeff Goldblum's Cock, Suspicions About Rototomas' Sobriety, Spermicidal Tendencies, Chugging NyQuil, Assholes From Modesto, Nuclear War Later!, The Finished-Upon

Welcome to Episode 2 of Death Metal Dads: DAD BY DAWN! In this chapter, the beautiful and talented Mike Scheidt (Yob, Vhol) joins Shelby and Aesop LIVE at the Phallus Palace to discuss various and sundry topics, including (but not limited to): Openly Weeping Over Star Trek TNG, A Table For One At Denny's And The Resulting Food Sadness, Train Sounds, Penis Metal, Sharkfuckin'/Fast As A Shark (Depending On The Specific Shark And Type of Transportation Involved), Wesley Grindcrusher, Elephant Walrus Mating Season, More Train Sounds, Glen Benton Shampooing His Hair In The Ladies' Room, Steve Asheim's Insurance Seminar/Doing Donuts In A Hummer In The Parking Lot Behind The Venue, A Goat Semen Shirt at The PTA Meeting, Captain Picard's Pennywhistle, Four Frowny Bald Tough Dudes And A Jazz Dad, JESUS even MORE Train Sounds?, Visigoth Baking Hudson's Melon, Aesop Having Sex With A Horribly Disfigured Freak, Mike Getting Dimebagged, Deicide Mondegreens, The Cocoa-Demon, Fucking Your Friends' Moms, Fish Nipples, and o

Pour yourself a nog and stuff those stockings--it's a brand new top-secret Holiday episode of DMD featuring Jackie Perez-Gratz (Giant Squid, Grayceon, Amber Asylum) and Aaron John Gregory (Giant Squid, Khorada, Squalus)! It's a wacky, family-friendly thrill ride, with lots of silly chat about topics such as: Abortion, Intra-uterine Cannibalism, Child Murder, Nazis, Terrorism, Large Men Having Sex In Small Toyota Paseos, Prehistoric Sharks, Jimmy Buffett Metal, Laundry Day Metal, Cocaine, Winters Tavern, Midriff-Baring Shirts, Really Short Jogging Shorts, Green Jelly, Jello Biafra, Cello Biafra, Green Cello, Izzy Stradling, Yanni DiFranco, Sensible Footwear, Dental Hygiene, Impolite Off-Mic Chatter From Both Ezra The Producer And Pepper The Infant, Listener Emails, Dad Sex, The DMD Bump, and of course, everyone's favorite segment, Fatherly/Motherly Advice. Have a listen, won't you? Music: Atheist, "Mother Man" Giant Squid, "Neonate" Contactthe Dads: illogicalcontraption@yahoo.com

It’s the much anticipated debut of Illogical Contraption’s newest unneccesary spinoff, DEATH METAL DADS! In this pilot episode, your intrepid hosts Shelby and Aesop discuss Dadness, Sadness, Madness, Death Metal addiction, Valentine’s Day, Natural Purple Watermelon Flavor, Morbid Angel, and Floridian Rednecks, all the while floating on a bromantic cloud of Lick Me All Over incense.   Don’t take the brown acid! Music: Morbid Angel, "Lord of All Fevers and Plagues" Queen, "Father To Son"   (Re-issued Nov 2016 to DMD Libsyn feed)

Rejoice! Shelby is back from tour and Aesop is willing to take a break from posting pictures of records on Instagram for just long enough to record another (guestless) episode of DMD! Shit gets hairy in this one, so strap in for a thrill ride of epic proportions... Discussed herein: Sex Bigots, Grabbin' Pussies To W.A.S.P., Manowar Chat, Aesop Flaking on Work, A Follow-Up Email From "Porky Pig" re: List-Metal, Alcest vs. Incest, Mortiishead, "You Were Conceived To 'The Bleeding', Son", A Discussion Regarding DMD Signature Headwear, Goat Semen: Literally The Siqqest Shirt Ever, The Karl Sanders Story, Hand Relief, 3 Hours of Demilich Chat Lost To The Ages, Harri From Hooded Menace: Body Count Superfan, The ACTUAL String Cheese Incident, Shelby: A Compass That Always Points Toward Panic! At The Disco, Are You Pro- or Antti-Boman?, Bricks, Minifigs, And The Portland of Things, Shelby Using The Word "Tertiary" Correctly, 500 Bucks at BevMo, A Weird Meth-y Logger, Glen Benton: The Dayton, Ohio of People, Strong Po

In October's delightful and extra MEATY episode, the Dads are joined by fellow father and rock vocalist Shane Baker (Alaric, Eerie, Pins of Light, Dead And Gone) for a lengthy and informative discussion about Bolt Thrower, dolmas, television, dumb kids, and the Billy Joel hit "We Didn't Start The Fire". But there's so much more! Also discussed herein: The Strip Club At The Edge of Town, Not Exactly Fucking, Van Hayward, Matt Shapiro's Dick, Family Nudity, "Conceptually Awesome" Bands, Taliban vs Mall Cop, Transmissions From Planet Parmesan, Turkey Tetrazzini, Ambrosia Salad, Cool-Ass Space Orcs, Greek Sushi, 14 Years In 14 Minutes, Hitler And Aliens, Roger The Piano Man, The Ominous Scent of Ben Gay And Metamucil, Gallagher AD, The George Costanza of Death Metal Dads, Jews on TV, Who Would Win?, Danish Vocalist Florandia Suppenhausen, Long-Box CDs, Color Me Dadd, Cassingle Listenin', Another Bad Malevolent Kreayshawn, A Live Commentary On A Live Commentary, "Local" Bands, List Rock vs Indian Rock, Karl Sander