New Rankings With Teddy!

In a desperate bid to win the affections of today's youth, Teddy enlists the help of Stanford-educated tweenologist (and his almost-sister-in-law) Casey Khademi to count down the top eight tween stars ever to grace the butt of a KMart bathing suit. This episode features cool and relevant stars of the pre-9/11 era such as Hilary Duff, Aaron Carter, and Raven, and answers probing questions like: What psychological trauma has prevented N*SYNC from reuniting? Was Ashley the hot one and Mary-Kate the smart one, or was it the other way around? And when will a certain court-appointed conservator-slash-father finally #FREEBRITNEY?

Balto. Baby Fiona. Christian. Harambe. Lamby. We know their stories. We weep when they die. We give them new life with our memes. But which of these animals inspires us the most? Whose paw is proudest of all? In this episode, Teddy and his good friend, literary agent Sylvie Greenberg, rank the top ten inspirational animals, from malformed cuties to unlikely Christ figures. Topics discussed include Mike Tyson's pigeons, 9/11 hero dogs (and their clones), the best British department stores for purchasing lions, and Teddy's creepy fondness for Anne Geddes babies.

Do you ever just stare at your feet and think, "whoa... I have feet"? Then this is the podcast for you! Join Teddy and his brother-in-law Brian Aspell, a.k.a. "Count Curioso," as they rank the top nine weirdest things about reality. Topics include circadian rhythms, circumcision, the base ten system, the blurry distinction between self and non-self, and, naturally, Jerry Seinfeld's forty-year practice of transcendental meditation.

Teddy and Courtney go all the way next door to hunt down this episode's expert, Scott Michaels, the founder of Dearly Departed Tours in LA. Together, they rank the top eight most shocking deaths in Hollywood history, covering such topics as the Benedict Canyon curse, Jayne Mansfield's death car, and the four most terrifying words in the English language: "sex with Prince Charles." Please learn more about Scott and his business at dearlydepartedtours.com, or follow him on Twitter @LADeathTrip!

In this bloated, self-indulgent, cash grab of an episode, Teddy and his guest Kevin Best rank the top ten bloated, self-indulgent, cash grab movie sequels of all time! Important questions include: Why has everyone forgotten about Austin Powers? Is Godfather II actually that good? And of course, what the hell is an electric boogaloo? Also, don't forget to check out Kevin's podcast "Sequel Rewrite" for more of his scorching hot sequel takes!

They're beautiful, they're everywhere, they're always watching you, even in your dreams... logos! In this episode, Teddy and his friend, poet Nic Reiner, rank their top ten logos in the world of business and beyond. Discussion topics include pantsless animals playing sports, happy ethnic food people, and all of the controversy surrounding a certain child's exposed, pale butt...

Did you exist in the 1800s? Do you have pallid skin and sad eyes? Did you die before age 25 of typhoid, or mumps? Then you just might be featured in this episode! Teddy and his good friend Lindsey Toiaivao hop in the DeLorean and rank the top eight hottest hunks in all of history. Discussion topics include jellied eels, imperial cucking, and Grigori Rasputin's infamous "anteater's head."

At long last, Bill Steinkellner -- Teddy's hilarious father and the world's foremost confectionery hoarder -- joins New Rankings to count down the top eleven types of candy. Discussion topics include the weird proliferation of wax and gummy body parts, Teddy's grassroots campaign to bring back the Creme Saver, and whether Bill has or has not in fact tried any new candies since the year 1963.

What *is* a lifehack? According to Teddy's good friend, Slack designer Diogenes "Dio" Brito, lifehacks are little strategies for altering your environment in order to optimize your efficiency and enjoyment of life. According to Teddy, they're... well, Teddy doesn't really know what they are, but he sure likes his Squatty Potty a lot. Other lifehacks discussed on this episode: the Marie Kondo folding method, blue-blocking sunglasses for phone usage at night, and a free, tasty beverage known as "Chipotle Fresca."

Two Roads Month* concludes as Teddy and Courtney log onto their LiveJournals, don their funniest Jesus t-shirts, and rank the top ten rules for being cool in high school (ten years ago). Topics include hickeys, hotboxing, cyberbullying, and Teddy's traumatic appearance in teen court. Featuring bonus content from both Teddy and Courtney's emo high school diaries! *Two Roads Month = a month-long on-air celebration of Teddy’s new YA novel, Two Roads From Here, on sale from Simon & Schuster RIGHT NOW. Buy your copy in stores or online!

Suh, fam! #thatawkwardmoment when a couple of ignorant bihs try to interpret Millennial culture and it's high-key sus AF but also low-key lit... In this episode, Teddy is joined by Emma in order to translate the previous sentence and also to rank the top ten rules for being cool in high school in the year 2017. Topics include Promposals, purple hug squads, the shocking rise of communism, and the even more shocking rise of... cool parents?! ***P.S. Don't forget -- it's Two Roads Month, a month-long on-air celebration of Teddy’s new YA novel, Two Roads From Here, out from Simon & Schuster this June 20th. Order your copy now!

Fidelio, Suppressive Persons! While a few good men may argue that Tom Cruise has lost that lovin' feelin', Teddy and Jake feel he's made all the right moves, and that to call him anything but a master of the muffin would be galactically stupid. So to honor the release of his upcoming film The Mummy, they're ranking the top eight Tom Cruise performances ever. Discussion topics include Tom's magic divorce number, his best beach-sex scenes, and whether it would be more enjoyable to live in the Cruiseverse or the Keith Urbanverse. ***P.S. Don't forget -- it's Two Roads Month, a month-long on-air celebration of Teddy’s new YA novel, Two Roads From Here, out from Simon & Schuster this June 20th. Order your copy now!

Congrats, grads! Four crazy years -- you made it! But... you're still woefully ignorant when it comes to real life, which can mean only one thing... twenty minutes of clichéd advice from a sweaty celebrity! In this episode, Teddy and his mother Cheri put their mortarboards together and rank the top seven commencement speeches ever delivered -- profound remarks from such intellectual giants as Kurt Vonnegut, David Foster Wallace, J.K. Rowling, and also most members of Teddy and Cheri's extended family. ***P.S. Don't forget -- it's Two Roads Month, a month-long on-air celebration of Teddy’s new YA novel, Two Roads From Here, out from Simon & Schuster this June 20th. Order your copy now!

Teddy and Kit kick off Two Roads Month* by ranking the top 7 coming-of-age novels ever written. Topics include the adult/teen relationship genre, the twincest genre, and the origin of Kit and Teddy’s favorite angsty/inspirational teenage catchphrase, “You hear that world? We’re bigger than you!!!” *Two Roads Month = a month-long on-air celebration of Teddy’s new YA novel, Two Roads From Here, out from Simon & Schuster this June 20th. Order your copy now!

The CosmoBros are back! Teddy welcomes love doctor and chief vulnerability officer Andrew Molina back to the podcast to rank their top seven badass vulnerability moves. Discussion topics include unleashing your inner melodrama, actually appreciating your partner's exes, and the art of giving the perfect "wug." NOTE: there are some mild static noises from about the 40 to the 60 minute mark of the podcast. (Wow, it took a lot of vulnerability to admit that to you.)

Let's belatedly celebrate Mother's Day by talking about... murder! Teddy and Courtney capitalize on society's current obsession with violent death by ranking the top 6 murderers they wouldn't take home to Mommy. Topics include murder hotels, killers who are ladieeeez, and for some reason, the Country Bears (you know, those robot bears at Disneyland, the ones that everyone hated).

Future Week concludes with this dystopic and delightful glimpse seventy years hence, as Teddy and his good friend Jordan attempt to predict which currently-normal facets of society our great-grandchildren will find baffling. Exciting debates include: Why would any child ever watch baseball? How close are we to a super-creepy resurgence of Eugenics? And, nerds: are they the trailblazers of tomorrow, or a big ol' waste of space?

It's *spooky alien noise* Future Week! In this ranking, Teddy speculates on the very near future with USA Today tech columnist Jefferson Graham, host of the acclaimed podcast Talking Tech. Teddy and Jeff look ahead to this September's likely launch of the new iPhone 8, and suggest some useful and absurd features they'd like to see on the device, including unbreakable glass, Minority Report-like hand motion sensors, and a multiracial pope emoji.

Somebody’s poisoned the watering hole! In recent years, Disney has been on a mi$$ion to remake seemingly all of their animated classics, and yet if Beauty and the Beast was any indication, most of these films are destined to be, well, poor and unfortunate. Luckily, Teddy and Emma have taken it upon themselves to bring back the magic by pitching and ranking the top five Disney live-action remakes they’d *rather* see. Films include the Oscar-bait tearjerker “Dopey,” a rockin’ new reboot of “Captain Eo,” and the Nancy Meyers love-triangle romcom, “… What About Kocoum?!"

What is a creative mindhack? Renowned mindhackologist -- and Teddy's brother-in-law -- Brian describes them as ways of expanding your consciousness (without the use of drugs). Join Teddy and Brian, a.k.a. "Count Curioso", as they rank their top eight cathartic and kooky mind-expanding techniques. Topics include Tarot divination, Al Roker, and imagining yourself as a clone of yourself.