Blessing Not Stressing - Happy Parenting

Helping Your Kids With Grief We all grieve differently.  This is even more obvious when you are trying to help kids work through grief.  There are times that they will work through their mourning as the child they are when it occurs.  However, they may have to mourn or grieve again when they get older and have more capacity to truly process the loss or tragedy. Based on personal experience, I look at how the mourning period for children may be delayed for years.  The young mind effectively puts things on pause until they mature enough to understand what they have gone through.  Thus, grief counseling is always recommended when children are involved, but do not declare victory too soon.  The true battle may be yet to come and you should be ready to revisit old wounds.  The wounds may appear to be healed, but it may help for the scabs to be pulled off so the damage can be assessed by an older and more capable child. Please leave a review and let me know your thoughts on this and other episodes at  https://itu

When a Man Becomes a Dad In part one of the interview with Michael Meloche we look at the love at first site story that started it all.  We talk about connecting to a daughter that is already a teenager.  Then we look at how his relationship with his daughter made her very happy when he married her mother.  This interview series covers a challenging situation that is becoming more common.  We have a father coming into a family and adopting his wife's child to make them a solid unit and fill the hole left by a birth father.  Michael is also the "middle child" of the family with nearly the same difference in age to his wife as it is to his daughter.  This spanning of the generation turns out to be a great way to help everyone understand each other. Please leave a review and let me know your thoughts on this and other episodes at  https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/blessing-not-stressing-happy/id1186128287.  You can find other podcast episodes at https://blessingnotstressing.com/blog/podcast.  There are also de

Parenting can quickly become an overwhelming job.  We have a full plate every day and become consumed with raising our children.  This is not all there is to life.  Schedule regular date nights with your spouse, or just for yourself.  These are times where you can get away from being a caregiver for an hour or two and allow yourself to relax.  Occasionally taking a long bath or hot shower is not enough.  Get out and have some discussions that go beyond your life as a parent.  This is at least as important for single parents as it is for couples. A couple should use the date to focus on each other and keep alive the sparks that led to their marriage in the first place.  When Mommy and Daddy are happy life is better for the whole family.  As a single parent, it can become hard to think beyond your kids.  Use a date night to have some adult conversation and enjoy a little rest.  No matter what your parental situation is, you have earned a night off. Please leave a review and let me know your thoughts on this and

Sometimes our children are treated as an extreme.  Either perfectly good or perfectly evil.  In these cases where a child can do no wrong or do no right, they are not given the respect they deserve.  They also will not learn valuable skills for later in life.  As parents, we are more likely to treat our children as a golden child.  However, just as others may be too easy on our kids, we may be too hard on them. Both of these extremes create a "bubble" for the child that is a disservice to them.  When you allow failure, you provide opportunities to learn and gain wisdom.  When you praise success, you provide reinforcement of desired behavior.  We are not Pavlov's dogs, but we still need a pat on the back when we do good, and a thump on the nose when we do bad.  Children are even more susceptible to this form of feedback because they are still trying to figure things out in life. Please leave a review and let me know your thoughts on this and other episodes at  https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/blessing-not-s

God, Guilt, and Grants We wrap up the interview with Michelle West with a brief discussion of how her faith carried her through the darkest days.  Then, we shift gears and look ahead at higher education options.  There is a lot of money available for those that have been impacted by cancer so we touch on a few ways to find them.  We also touch on how advisors and counselors provided for those struggling can be a large blessing. We mentioned a Google search for cancer-related scholarships.  However, the site, http://www.fastweb.com/college-scholarships/articles/cancer-scholarships is a great start.  It lists several options and is worth a look for anyone impacted by cancer.  St. Jude has been mentioned throughout this interview series and they are an incredible group of caregivers.  I have never met anyone that did not find them to be top-notch in skills and bedside manner.  You can learn more or donate at https://www.stjude.org. Please leave a review and let me know your thoughts on this and other episodes at

Discipline Vs. Love   When you discipline children it is important to be consistent.  Thus, our reactions and punishments for bad decisions should be the same every time.  When we do this, it is easy to explain the "why" for consequences.  Our children are new to the whole right and wrong concept when they are born so we have to teach and model right and wrong.  When we react emotionally with anger (aka over reacting) we can send confusing messages.  These messages can be completely undesired.  For example, instead of teaching a child not to hit others, we are teaching them to not make Dad mad.  Even worse, we might be teaching them, don't hit others while we are watching a football game. I have used set rules and consequences to help me be consistent.  This has the additional effect of allowing the rules to be the "bad guy" rather than the parent enforcing the rules.  We can even occasionally be the "good guy" and offer a reduced sentence.  We want to emphasize that we are helping them avoid duly earned cons

Stealing Happiness From The Future   In this episode, we are introduced to "Future Tim."  This is a construct used to push concerns off into the future.  Granted, this also can be used to kick problems down the road.  We discuss using intelligence and experience to determine when we have to face problems and when we can take a break.  Unfortunately, reality has a tendency to impose itself on our thoughts, but a sort of focused daydreaming can help us soften the blow.  On the other hand, we can also steal pain from the future.  The discussion also covers avoiding that since we all would rather not suffer more than we must. This is not quite adding to our blessings.  Instead, it is a way to increase the enjoyment of the blessings we have, while reducing stress.  Better yet, when we steal happiness from the future we might even be creating a happiness that never truly occurs.  This emotional sleight-of-hand trick is easy to learn and an excellent way to reduce stress. Please leave a review and let me know your

Best Day Ever In part three of the interview with Michelle Angelici West we cover the post-chemo aftermath.  We talk about Tyler being pronounced clean from cancer, the best birthday gift, and the new normal for the family.  Surviving cancer takes a lot out of you, but when you beat it, you have an appreciation for life.  Tyler is no exception to this rule. The travel that was restricted for years has now returned to the family.  There are side effects and concerns for Tyler due to all the chemo treatments.   Also, there is the fear of cancer returning.  However, the trials and tribulations the family has gone through reinforced their embrace of the time we have together.  This painful chapter in their lives is only a chapter and we see them looking forward with renewed vigor.  There are sympathy and sadness for those that have not had this happy ending.  However, Tyler looks ahead to living a life that honors them all.  If you have a fifth grader, you will be happy to hear that Tyler has grown into a normal

A Beautiful Mess Kids are messy, but that is part of what makes raising them so much fun.  There is that old phrase "beauty is in the eye of the beholder."  Remember that the next time your kid reminds you of Pigpen in Peanuts. With the right attitude, that exhausting work ahead becomes a beautiful mess.   This is an episode about enjoying every moment rather than worrying about the potential clean up later.  This includes those times where the kids are loud, or just plain don't sleep on our schedule.  Kids will be kids is more than a wise phase.  It is a warning at times, but it is also a promise.  When you allow your kids to be kids you are allowing them to bless you with their youth.   Even as your children get older and "grow up," they will still create their share of messes.  Some are easy to clean, others are long lasting and might even leave stains.  However, all of that is part of growing up and learning about life.   Please leave a review and let me know your thoughts on this and other episodes at  h

Getting Down on Their Level   We naturally get down on the same level as our children when they are very young.  When they crawl, we crawl.  We adjust our vision to see what they are looking at.  This desire to see life through our kid's eye needs to exist throughout their lives.  It may seem hard to get to the same place our children are as they get older.  However, practice makes perfect.  They will have different interests and schedules.  This should not stop us from joining them and being a steady presence in their life.  Yes, it is a little thing to do.  The payoff is amazing.  When we are the parent that always connects with our children, we will be more of a comfort when they need us.  We may even be able to see trouble coming and use our connection with them to help them avoid some of life's pains.  In any case, a little empathy never hurt. Please leave a review and let me know your thoughts on this and other episodes at  https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/blessing-not-stressing-happy/id1186128287.  

Faith, Family, and Friends In order to get through our darkest times, we have to lean on others. As we continue the interview with Michelle West we talk about how faith played its part, how the family came together, and how friends offered support. This network of love and prayers helped them through their toughest times. We also look at how paying it forward can help as the family turns to opportunities to help others. They find out that even though their journey has been difficult, they can find a silver lining and help others facing similar difficulties. The story continues with some difficult days and tough situations as Tyler went through treatments.  There were some scary times.  However, they made it through and found ways to keep things as normal as possible for the rest of the family.  Those dark times even lead to some great moments when they saw a chance for Tyler to get through it all and one day live the life of a normal child.  Learn more at his facebook page https://www.facebook.com/tydudedance

Confidence and Success Confidence and Success tend to go hand-in-hand.  One can argue which of these come first, but it is still easier to instill confidence than it is to manufacture success.  Since we all want our kids to grow up to be successful, we need to teach confidence at an early age.  Thus, when they make a mistake we should focus on helping them to do better in the future.  This is more productive than shaming them for the past.   We can see some excellent examples of this approach when we look at popular coaches and mentors.  These leaders build on the positives and look for ways to overcome the negatives.  They do not harp on the negatives and treat failure as a shameful or avoidable event.  Failure is a part of success.  However, we must learn from our failures not shy away from them or be made to feel inadequate because of them.  Failure should not be a point of pride, but it also should not be an albatross around our necks.  Accept that failure is a step to success.  Ensure your children keepi

Social Media Bullies   The impersonal nature of social media can make it very easy to be mean and cruel to others.  This has lead to a lot of cyber-bullying and even unintentional consequences from venting sessions.  We can block our children from social sites (easier said than done).  However, it is better to find ways to build up self-confidence early in life.  This has always been the best way to deal with bullies and negative feedback.  The effort to get away from bullies has led many school systems to take a strong stance against them.  Unfortunately, this sometimes kicks the problem down the road.  Thus, in our effort to protect our children from bullies, we forget to teach them how to handle those situations. As always, the best approach is to walk through these situations with your children.  They get the exposure to a tough situation along with guidance on how to handle it.  This is how we teach them to fish instead of giving them a Happy Meal. Please leave a review and let me know your thoughts on t

Fighting Cancer is not Fun Tyler West was a normal first grader until he was diagnosed with Leukemia.  In this episode, we continue a talk with his mother about the struggles and pains he and his family faced.  We look at how fighting cancer is a family struggle.  It is not all bad though because we see how a family helps lend strength to the afflicted and shares in the struggles as well as victories. This is not an easy story to hear, but it is a great view into the strength even young children can have.  We talk about Tyler's sisters and their reactions as well as other family members.  All of this combines to weave a story of help coming from unexpected places.  On the lighter side, we look at the origin of the #suckitcancer tag used in Tyler updates.  It may seem a crude phrase, but cancer is a crude disease so it can get over itself.  Learn more at his facebook page https://www.facebook.com/tydudedance/ or better yet, give a little to St. Jude and help them fight for others like Tyler.   Please leave a r

Playing Favorites It is part of our human nature to have favorites.  This extends to our children as well.  It is important to be clear that liking a child differently is not related to our love for them.  We do not love a child more because we like to go fishing with them (rather than a dance recital).  Nor do we base our love on which children go to the movies we like.  It is not recommended that we tell the children how they rank.  Particularly since (in my case anyway) that ranking changes based on whether a child is being difficult on any given day.  However, we should be aware of any favoritism we might show.  This awareness guides us to make extra effort to find "quality time" with the children that are harder to hang around with. Our children are similar to us, but not identical.  The differences are what make each child a unique blessing.  Of course, we can always struggle through activities just to satisfy a child.  However, we often will find that "sacrifice" leads us to a greater appreciation for

The Blend is the Thing Blended families and finding ways to knit together a family out of people with lifetimes of differences. Also, finding the balance between keeping the past while moving towards the future.  I must be honest, blending a family is not for the faint of heart.  There are many personalities, problems, and experiences that all feed into the mix.  Some of these work great together while some cause friction and turmoil.  The key is patience.  There are going to be misunderstandings and confusion as everyone gets to know each other.  Of course, a long courtship period can help, but there is still way too much to get to know about each other.  Just know that there will be struggles, but the end result is greater than the sum of its parts. We highlight several common concerns/struggles.  These include changing roles, a change in the pecking order, and even inside jokes.  These are problems that can be overcome and have been experienced by others.  Use the experience of others to help you through

Worst Day Ever Part One of the interview with Michelle Angelici West.  She is a mother that shares a life story that we wish upon no one.  This is a tough story to hear about a child fighting Leukemia.  However, it has a happy ending.  This tale shows that even young children can stand tall against adversity.   In this episode, we talk about the worst day ever.  We start with the day she learned her baby boy had cancer.  We also discuss accepting charity, giving back, and start on the story of Tyler West.    You can learn more about them by searching for #suckitcancer on facebook and twitter.  Spend a few moments with their news and you will quickly see why the entire family is such a positive influence on myself and countless others.  At some point life will give us lemons, this is    The Tyler West story is much easier to follow now that we can do so without fear of a turn for the worse.  Check out his incredible history on his facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/tydudedance/.   Please leave a review

Blame the Referee   Refusing to accept responsibility for loss or failure is more likely to lead to more of the same than when we take responsibility for our actions.  I call this approach "blame the referee" because I see it so often in sports.  A team loses a game and focuses on the arbitrator (right or wrong), something they can not control, instead of how they played, something they can control.     A good parent allows a child to fail.  They do so while still making sure the child takes responsibility for their actions.  Once that step is taken it is important to look for ways to succeed rather than excuses based on others.  An important piece of this is to teach your children that failure is not a "bad" thing.  It is a part of life and learning.  We are not perfect nor do we tend to get things right the first time.  When we view failure in the context of the journey, then it opens us up to approaches that the successful often take.  Embrace failure as an opportunity to improve rather than a reason for s

Why We Parent   When you raise your children to be the best they can be you will find it is easier to raise them.  This is done by focusing on what the strengths and desires of the child are rather than our vision for them.  Their happiness and success should be the reason why we parent.  It is hard to not assume our likes and desires when raising our kids.  However, when we step back and let them follow their own muse something miraculous can happen.  We see children grow into people we never expected and, more importantly, they will be happy.  When we raise a child to be what we want they are more likely to rebel and push back because we are going against their nature.  The easier road is to push them towards their strengths and desires.  Simply put, work with their nature to see them blossom. Please leave a review and let me know your thoughts on this and other episodes at  https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/blessing-not-stressing-happy/id1186128287.  You can find other podcast episodes at https://blessin

Episode 018 Part 3 of the Stewart Day Interview.  Going to camps, checking out colleges and taking the steps to get your kid off to the “real” world with a good start.     Check out the latest episodes and bonus blog articles at https://blessingnotstressing.com.  It is a site for parents that provides tips, tricks, and support for all their challenges. This includes a touch of humor and real stories from a parent of eight.