Regular Features

[apologies for one CRACKLY mic, your headphones are FINE] Hey, it's another piping hot rod of Regular Features. You could set your watch to these recent few episodes, but it would be a very bad watch and you'd frequently show up to appointments days late, banging on the windows and demanding to be allowed inside for your mani-pedi or whatever it is that readers do these days. In this one: Log gingerly fingers his way through his drafts folder. Steve fingerly gingers his way through Rishi Sunak's new budget. And Joe smingerly dingers his twinger until it makes a real mess all over Jeremy Clarkson... in a Werner Herzog voice! Love ya x

Politics. It's bloody everywhere. Keir Starmer. Wow. In this episode of the Regular Features podcast, Gav's gone politics mad about a biscuit baby, Steve has an entire parliament of teeth to contend with, and Joe does some serious bee science. The ayes have it. Let's go.

So I guess we're doing another hundred of these things? Alright then. Easy. Doesn't even bother us. Gav digs up feature dregs from the bottom of the ideas barrel and dusts them off, good as new. Steve is being haunted by a horrible adult baby who lives under the sink. And Log prepares his pub for a socially distanced reopening. We hope you enjoyed the last 400 episodes half as much as you're going to enjoy the next 400. Thanks for all the support. We love you x

We did what no other podcast has the balls to do - a livestream live show! We're sad we couldn't celebrate in a pub with you guys but hopefully this is the next best thing. Because this is a live show, please excuse the odd audio glitch. Despite doing 400 episodes of this and inventing podcasting as a medium, we're still very much finding our feet when it comes to actually recording audio.

Guess what? It's us again. I know right? We're interminable. Can't keep us off this thing. In this episode, Gav fights back against unimaginatively titled porn parodies, Log discovers Dominic Cummings's old diary, and Steve finds a curious guest has been living in his plumbing.

Live show! 8pm BST, June 13th on our YouTube channel. We weren't here for you last week, so have a luxurious king size episode on us. Lay down on it baby, roll around, grind your muddy shoes into the sheets and just soak it all up at your own pace. 58 minutes, hoo-whee, that's long enough to make whoever edited it wonder if they left a big chunk of something in there that they shouldn't have. Gav's mam's got WhatsApp quibbles, Steve's left glute's got muscle troubles, and Joe's ears have got podcast bubbles. It's Regular Features, ahaaaa. Kept you waiting, huh? Sneaky Snitch by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/4384-sneaky-snitch License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Pot the reds then screw back for a brand new episode of the hippest podcast on the baize. It's Regular Features, you filthy little pocket botherers, and this week we've gone simply loopers for the ol' spoopers. The snockets, the cue stew, the hot pink smackers. It's SNOOKER baby, and that's all she wrote. Log's got a side-gig writing for right-wing journals. Joe is doing the snooker thing I just mentioned. And Steve's been watching too much RuPaul to do anything else of note. THANKS TO INCOMPETECH AS USUAL: The Entertainer and Gymnopédie No. 1 - Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

Don't you just hate it when you get a duff Kinder Egg and the capsule is just full of matted old hair? Sure, you could try to prop the wiry tuft up next to your completed collection of Tiny Terrapins and pretend that all is well, but it just doesn't fit in, and to be frank, it stinks of petrol. Anyway. In this episode, Log recalls the times he met Joe, Steve recalls the time Stephen Hendry was trapped inside his own panic room, and Matt goes nips deep in the stalk market. Hell's bells, let's do this.

Here's a nice little edible arrangement for you. BITE into Log's feature about competitive horniness. SUCKLE on Joe's story of an elk in a department store. NIBBLE on Steve's heart-wrenching tale of horseloss. Then give us your biggest smile, because you're on camera baby. We're watchin ya!

You know how you can revive a sleepy bee with a tiny teaspoon of sugar water? That works on us too. In fact, why don't you come round when this is all over and pipette some of that sweet shug-shug into our glug-glugs to give us the pep we need to get going in the morning? You have our express permission to appear by our bedside before dawn and intubate us with the holy syrup our bodies demand. It's what friends do. In this episode, Steve defrauds Catchphrase and Gav has clapped eyes on a big baby. Things may never return to the way they were. Love you.

It's more important than ever to keep your mind and body in tip top shape, so this week we bring you the full spectrum of mental and physical stimulation. Log titillates your retinals with his rainbow reviews, Joe speculates your imaginationoids with the peculiar views from his kitchen window, and Steve supplicates your glutinates with his intensive home workout routine. Thanks for everything. EDM Detection Mode by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/3687-edm-detection-mode License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Log runs us through his Zoom meeting bingo card, Steve is torn to shreds by the irradiating power of 5G masts, and Gav concludes the saga of his encounter with a blue tick scammer. This one gets *messy* towards the end, and for that we apologise, but all this social distancing malarkey makes us thirsty for friendship and vodka. Take us as we are, and never try to change us. Stay lovely.

No need to pack your tiger for this one, because this episode's got loads of them just lying around for free. Tigers in the rafters. Tigers in the floorboards. Tigers in the void between the walls. An entire tiger compressed into a bread bin who smiles at you when you open it in search of, well, it's gotta be tiger bread. It's tiger mania here in episode 391 the Regular Features podcast, PLUS a Gav feature about an Instagram scam gone very right. Thanks!

Hello again, it's us, dem boys with dem fancy teeth who keep comin round to fill up your brain with our special noises. In this episode, Log has tips and tricks for pivoting to pizza delivery, Steve has tips and tricks for when it is appropriate to be in the outside, and Joe has tips and tricks for the new video game about the horrible animals. Stay safe and wet those hands.

Due to a bad smell going around we're all locked indoors, so this week we bring you the first ever episode of Regular Features recorded using telephones and HTTP. If anyone ever called a bellend a "ham bell", then at this point I would write "we put the ham bell back into Alexander Graham Bell," but nobody calls it that so I won't. Gav has all the latest rationing hysteria from Facebook, Joe's top lip has gotten all hirsute and nice, and Steve delivers his top tips fer werkin ferm herm. Stay safe everyone.

In this episode, Log answers a decade old question about human Great Dane hybrid babies, Steve slips further into high-energy pandemic anxiety and Matt has an exclusive interview with the new health secretary. THANKS.

You've got a lot of nerve showing your face around here after what you did last week, buster. But since you're here we might as well snuggle into your earholes, on account of how warm it in inside your head. In this episode, Gav puts the doof in Dufresne, Steve gives proper hand washing instructions, and Joe attends heroically.

"Doctor! Doctor! They're finally waking up!" "Who is, nurse Hurdy-Gurda?" "The readers!" "Jesus Christ, I can't believe it! After all these years?" "It would seem so. What should we tell them?" "Get out of my way, nurse. Readers, you've been asleep for... well, a very long time. We've got flying horses these days, and phones are obsolete because we've all got antennae. Thankfully, one thing remains static: Regular Features, and this week Log, Steve and Joe are all talking about inuits, and noses and diseases and everything. Now for god's sake put some clothes on, you're embarrassing yourself."

Another insurmountable crisis has left our boys unable to meet - but THAT won't stop us! Let Steve take you on a super soaraway adventure in the highest place there is - space itself. Joe's feature brings us crashing back to earth, and Log's feature burrows as deep as humans have ever been - a wet cave. And it's all glued together with the highly sought-after voice talent of the sexiest man alive. Come, you spirits, that tend on mortal thoughts! Unsex me here, lest I blow my load on public transport Features this bit of music from the pervasively useful Incompetech: Study And Relax by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/5764-study-and-relax License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Steve has gone to see the Sonic movie, and Log has noticed that it was a bit blowy recently. What more do you want? Oh, you want a song and dance do you? You want bells and whistles? You want me on all fours, with a bell around my neck and a whistle jammed into my ass. What I'm getting from this entire conversation is that you want my flatulence to agitate a pea. Well it's not going to happen