Regular Features

It is a dark week for people named 'Elizabeth' or 'Queen' but we've somehow managed to gather ourselves and create a fitting tribute to the one they called 'Queen Elizabeth'.

hello apple please help me: 062330 People say you can fly too close to the sun? Well we say you can't fly close enough. We say you can fly right up to it, so that your nude chest grazes along its surface as you circumnavigate its plasmic equator at one billion miles per hour, like you are Space Harrier himself, skirting along the edge of the troposphere, shooting energy bullets from your face, and what oh okay. In this one, Joe does a squish, and Log wants to give you a job at his pub. See you at one thousand!

Here is the Episode 500 LIVE extravaganza! If you'd like to recreate the evening yourself, we recommend listening to a room where the walls are visibly sweating. This show features some bits that may be better experienced with your eyes so either get yourself a DeLorean and head back to night of the show OR watch the show on YouTube here: https://bit.ly/rf500live Joe's Feature has a lovely little slideshow so when you get to his bit, you can play along here: https://bit.ly/rf500pitchdeck AND finally here are some photos from the evening for you to enjoy: https://bit.ly/RF500PHOTOS Thanks to Fizzy Beefer (Goes to Ibiza) for the photos x

On the eve of the episode 500 live show, all five Feature boys got together, drank far too much, and recorded a question-and-answer session. We don't regret it one bit ACTUALLY.

Everybody likes to say things are "out the wazoo", but nobody ever asks "how's the wazoo". Nobody ever inspects the wazoo to make sure its hard-working chute isn't red raw with all the stuff whizzing out of it. Nobody applies the special clinical wazoo balms the wazoo doctor prescribed, but the poor wazoo didn't have the hands to rub into its own wazoo. But does the wazoo ever complain? No. Says more about you than it does the wazoo if you're askin' for my two pence, which you ain't. In this episode, Log gambles on amber, Steve admits he's been a weapons engineer for an aerospace contractor this entire time, and Gav addresses some early complaints about Regular Features Honey. Available here! https://regularfeatures.com/shop/honey-by-regular-features/

Guess what, we're pivoting to HONEY SALES now. That's right, Regular Features has produced a small batch of 100% organic honey with the help of a hive of bees in North London. Visit our shop at the link below to grab your jar of our special sticky reserve today, before they're all gone! https://regularfeatures.com/shop/honey-by-regular-features/ To celebrate our new venture, in this episode we take you behind the scenes on a tour of the very hive our honey got scraped out of. We can hardly believe it either.

You have some nerve showing your face around here after what you did. But since you're here, you might as well stay and listen. In this episode, Joe demystifies the British parliamentary process. Log helps out a mum in need. Steve got too hot in a heatwave.

Imagine YOU were the Hotstepper. How would YOU like it if you heard everyone saying "Here come the Hotstepper" every single time they saw you? "Look busy," whispers Daniel in Accounts Payable, shuffling urgently past HR with a folder clutched to his chest. "I just saw the Hotstepper getting out of the lift." You might be London's fanciest Hotstepper by night, but by day you're Martin Pickering, area manager for Bridlington Diagnostics. And you just want to DO YOUR JOB In this TECHNICAL DIFFICULTY PLAGUED EPISODE, Gav gets his likeness used and abused and it lands a little too close to home for comfort, and Log has news for you about Castles, Wasps, and Printers. With thanks to absolute unit MIke Orvis for The Bee-Witcher Jingle

This might sound like a special in which we include deleted scenes from past episodes of Regular Features, but it ISN'T. What it actually contains is Log and Joe joining forces for a never-before-seen twoboy episode in which they theme multiple micro-features along the theme of deleted scenes. We've got the Green Mile, we've got Se7en, we've got Big Yellow Taxi, we've got My Baby All-Gone, and we've got even more tenuous connections than that. And if you DARE suggest that this is being called a special because we hadn't properly counted how many episodes there were before the episode 500 live show, we will just kick right off, capisce?! Fig Leaf Rag Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/ "Breaking News" Credit: https://www.FesliyanStudios.com Background Music

Some days you're the horse. Other days you're the horse's secret collection of amethysts he keeps under a big pile of hay in his stable. In this episode, Log tries to fill a printer-shaped hole in his soul with a laserjet. Matt springs a painterly pop-quiz on us. And Steve finds a way to reconcile with his dad. Let's go!

Chalk and cheese. You'd think they'd be disgusting together, but I'm eating some right now and it's absolutely delicious exchept forr hoaw it claggxx up mah mouuut. Aneewoy I shupposh iss tym to chell yoo abow thisz weekss epishold of Rehgyolnah Peeches. Shteef hash sheen duh Dishnee Pixaaaaaah moofie Laghtyeeah and ish dinsgustin!! Jhoh izz on tze hunnt fo a Wikinpeeedinah paych antd.... *spits* Log has visited a number of National Trust heritage sites. Time for another bite I think! HAAFFF A GRAY WEEEEENK!

Four score and Michael Barrymore. Sorry, that's all I've got. Thanks for reading this bit. In this episode, Gav looms over us like a ghost, Steve's got laser eye surgery, and Log's a mean little goblin with a mission to pang the queen, That's right, PANG! We love you.

How did you get in here? This is a supposed to be a private crematorium. You shouldn't be riding your penny farthing around the crematorium honking on that antique horn of yours. Watch out for that pile of unburnt cadavers! Oh no, you've knocked them all over and their toe tags got all mixed up – now we won't know which grieving widows get which urns. Look, we promise we won't tell on you for goofing around the crematorium if you don't tell the widows we're doling out rando-ashes. Deal? Deal! In this episode, Joe discovers another celebrity NFT grift. Steve's seen the new Lord of the Rings: Gollum game. And Log's been to Big London on a riverboat tour. GO!

This week's episode of Regular Features is presented, as always, in high-quality .wav format. You make a .wav by walking up the holy mountain and holding your Zune to the sky. A single raindrop will fall into the 3.5mm headphone jack, and a .wav will be shat out. It's beautiful. This week's .wav is filled with a spicy, sexy episode of Star Trek, a look into the newest FIFA game on PS2, and a discussion of why you'd ever want to be in a bath full of Beelzebub's juice - wine.

This week the fellas are joined by two very special guests Orson Welles and one other person whom I shall not be naming here lest I rob you of the excitement we all felt in the room when he showed up.

This is episode 488, which in bingo calling is "two fat ladies, married for forty years and still profoundly in love, standing at an easel where the first fat lady is painting a simple watercolour of their pet cat (name of Biscuits) as the second fat lady watches her from behind. The first fat lady turns to her wife and says, 'my dear wife, these past few months I cannot help but feel we are growing apart, is something the matter?' To which her adoring wife smiles and eventually replies, 'no, my love, my sweetest love, it is just the default kerning makes it look that way, I am as in love with you now as I ever have been. I am one thousand times more in love with you today as I was when I first saw you. I cannot count the ways that I love you. It's got to be at least fifty, and that's just off the top of the bonce.' And THEN the first fat lady laughs and says, 'I knew you were, I can feel your love every day, my beautiful wife, you are my joy, my spark. Do you like this painting I have made?' Her wife pau

Well aren't you just knee high to a horse, you lovely little thing. Let me give your hair a ruffle, oh you're ever so cu- YOU JUST BIT ME. Why did you bite me? I just came along to tell you what's in this week's episode of Regular Features and now I shall have to get a shot for some kind of muddy disease. Serves me right for trying to be nice. Well here's the low-down I SUPPOSE: Matt has had a crazy weekend fistbumping rappers and trying not to be bullied by children. Steve has his hands on a precious audio tape of some dirty words from a beloved childhood figure. Log invites his friend Kirsten Dunst along to show us her nine different accents. Joe is angry at an older man again, this time for believing in himself. Look! I'm bleeding! That was very rude of you.

Well, there's nothing else for it, we'll simply have to do another episode of the Regular Features podcast IF IT SO SUITS THEIR HIGHNESS. In this one, Log fails to groom an heir to his publican throne, and Joe mourns the loss of the thing where the continuity guy talks about Hollyoaks over Danny Elfman music. Steve is here, as useless as ever, staring slackjawed into the sun like a statue. Love you!

You've been very good today so here's a podcast we made just for you, as a reward. Also, hey, that thing you're feeling stressed about doesn't matter, you're doing great buddy. Keep it up! In this episode, Steve is drafted in as the lord of the dance, Log unearths some horny personal ads from 1992, and Joe is put off his entree by a doddery old racist on the next table. TELL YOUR BOSS.

Steve ushers in a new period of respectfulness for the podcast, in which we deal with recent sad news in a fashion that cannot, surely, cause offence. Joe fearlessly takes on the biggest, most blistering incident to dominate the celebrosphere. Log sticks his tongue half out his mouth and talks about sucking off spiders, for the second time.