Regular Features

On this week's episode Joe, Log and Gav crack some of their famous 'wise' about malt loaf, heaven and bees. There's also some exciting news about The Regular Features Episode 500 Live Show!

Have you ever wanted to know how Regular Features' greatest stories came to be? Have you ever wondered how Grapesalicious gained her penchant for a piece of pink peppercorn? Or how Buck Pawchucker became mayor? What about how Gav surivived? Well, we answer NONE of these questions in this otherwise origin story-packed ordeal from Steve, Log, and Joe. Strap them lugholes into a helment - you're about to go back in time using only your freakin' ears.

Log, Matt and Gav get together to talk horoscopes or should we HORRORscopes??....no, actually horoscopes was correct. Sorry about that. There's also some stuff about a dog and I think Nish Kumar but I can't be sure.

Gavin and Joe infiltrated a world of alakazams by putting on cloaks and big hats and saying that they knew what a spell was, and now they present to you, the Regular Features reader, a special report on the Blackpool Magic Convention 2022. If, while you read this episode, your whole body falls off, don't be afraid - it's just magic. Kazoo Orchestra does Danse Macabre by Imaginary Kazoo Orchestra https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oj9yMUWjtyA

Ohhhh big stretch. Regular Features is all snoozy and cosy in bed! It is so warm and nice under the Regular Features duvet, we could just stay here forever. Do you want to climb in with us? There's a space here just for you! Don't worry about that thing you've got to do, just wiggle your way in between us and have a big yawn and a nice rest. That's right. We'll blow you sweet little kisses while you drift off. There we are. In this episode, Steve's got all sleepy. Joe can levitate now. And Log conjures James Van Der Beek. Shhhh. Shhhh.

WAHP! WAHP! This is an emergency broadcast from the Regular Feautures emergency storm bunker. Hello. How are you? Oh that's nice. We're fine thanks, but unfortunately... it is a major emergency!! Storm Eunice has really churned our butter this week, if you'll pardon the phrase, forcing us to seek shelter in our specialised, reinforced podcasting hutch three hundred feet below sea level. In the panic to get inside, three of the boys tragically got left behind and/or tragically kicked in the shins so me and Log could get a head start, meaning it's just the two of us down here. We will not apologise. From our subterranean lair, Log brings you feaures of dreams and USB cables, while Steve brings you features of USB cables and cowboys. Be safe out there xxx

Please accept this episode as a token of our friendship. If you collect ten tokens you unlock platinum level friendship which is the same as normal friendship except you are allowed to blow raspberries on our bellies while we giggle and cheep like baby birds. WHAT?! In this episode, Joe considers the romance of a milky twilight, Steve samples Bognor's emergent culinary scene, and Log blows open the gnarly depravity of 1970s telephone perversion as it pertains to kissing of the fannoy and bulbus. We'd best get on with it.

There's a legend around these parts, a legend about a kid who filled his belly button with bird seed and waited in the garden. "Any minute now", he thought, "a robin will land on my tummy and eat the seed out of my belly button!" But the Robin never came, because the boy kept rolling around and shouting and farting. His mother came out and said "you'll never catch a robin if you roll around, shouting and farting!" And the boy said "well I don't want a Robin then, Robins can suck it". And you know what? That little boy grew up to be the Dangerous Dogs Act 1991. Enjoy this episode of Regular Features, where a little crab with a secret teaches Sophie Ellis-Bextor the meaning of death, a goose gets looser than she's used to, and the full geometrical range of the Dr Oetker factory gets explored in thrilling detail! Musical credits: Onion Capers Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

This week we've got all the basic elements you need to make a regular features: Uber. Baby. Vibraphone. Capeesh?

Hello it's me, the grape stomping lady who fell out of a bucket of grapes in a viral video from 2007. In this episode of Regular Features, Winnie the Pooh falls into Log's public domain, and a falling log wins Joe's public acclaim (which is to say he saw a poop in a TV show and wondered what if all TV shows got a poop in their finale). I hope you enjoy the episode, Steve is in it too and he does a fart!! Love, Grape Stomping Lady from 2007

The world is a strange place right now but one constant is that Stephen Hendry is stuck in his panic room. Does he still have the famous yips though? That is one thing we just cannot know. Be safe, Stephen.

From our screaming throats to your hungry ears, it's another episode of Regular Features, the only podcast that's got us in it. In this episode, Joe chronicles the greatest number you've never heard about unless you read the episode title. Steve unlocks an exciting new octave thanks to possible permanent scarring of the larynx. And Log rates and review every mince pie within a ten minute mince pie fuelled sprinting distance. Let's go, actually.

Betty White is dead. We don't talk about that in the podcast at all. I'm only putting this here cause it just happened and I was hoping that someone finds out she's dead by reading this. Imagine that. Imagine your grandkids asking you "Grandma...do yous remembers hows yous founds outs Betty Whites wass deads?" and you say "Yes, it was from a podcast description text written by an odd Welshman" and they'll laugh as they take you back to your space nursing home in their rocket car.

Happy Crambleneir! In sihd shhue cramblrmhotj, Joem cmrma a visit vfrom "Secret Santana". Gav hoesgojs anfs an incident with a DDP courier. Amd Steve, well, he gocrob a charades qjid quid quiz caled charades. Thank you for all your support this year. We legit love you readers, and we wish you all the best for 2022. Let's do it. Let's crack it open. LOVE, REGULAR FEATURES X "BossaBossa" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) "Beachfront Celebration" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License

If I had one guess, I'd guess you're stuck in a pipe. Look at you, all stuck in that pipe. I bet you want some grease, don't you? You little pipe rat! Little pipe rat want some grease. Well NO, no grease. Not until you've listened to Joe wonder about the etymology of Plemons. And certainly not until you've heard all of Matt's new names for Omicron. And maybe you get some grease after Zim returns to tell us about his latest big boy updates. You can have grease later. Stop wriggling. George Street Shuffle by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/3800-george-street-shuffle License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license Sinfonia Number 5 Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

A mere 5 weeks after the fact, it's finally here – a comprehensive run-down of everything that Gav and Joe got up to at our favouite awards ceremony, The Kebabbies. Marvel as we almost get turned away, gasp at Gav's reactions to those who don't share his political leanings, and turn off in horror as you realise the depths of Joe's betrayal. Steve and Log are here to guide your emotions throughout, except when we're all too pissed by the end. Please invite us back, British Kebab Awards, we love you.

We're sorry, but this is not the hotly anticipated kebab awards episode. That's happening next week now. There was a small legal issue we had to iron out involving, well, a kebab, naturally, plus so much libel it would make a judge's powder wig whizz out of the courtroom window and fly back to the special bird house where the wig lives with his wig wife (also a wig), and the wig wife says "bad day at work honey?" and the wig says (all dejected like) "you wouldn't believe what I have to put up with in that courtroom, I swear to god." And the wig wife says reassuringly, "do you want to go on a picnic?" And the wig says (get this), "no, you go on ahead" (a head). What? Oh, in this one Log invents a rotating meatkind, Steve sells the podcast out from underneath us, and Joe gets reacquainted with an old spoon-bending friend. PLEASE enjoy it.

Make no bones about it, it's episode 466 of the Regular Features podcast. Hey, you in the back there with the bones, what are you making? A diorama of the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand? Oh okay. You're definitely not making bones about this episode are you? No? Oh yes, we see the little motorcade of femurs now, and it's very clever how you've used a scapula to portray Gavrilo Princip. Wow, and this is your hobby is it? It's fascinating. We've just got to write this podcast description, but we'd love to talk to you more about your bone thing later. Maybe over a drink haha. Oh you do this with your girlfriend do you? That's cool, yeah yeah no that's cool she can come too. Anyway. Log unearths ancient Google Doc fan fiction. Matt is ambassador for playground slides. Steve blossoms into a fine young gentleman. Let's go!

Three men enter the arena. Three men leave. It's fine in the arena. Nothing bad happens. One man has an ache in his shoulder, but he had that before he went into the arena. He thinks he may have slept on it. Good arena! HEY. In this episode, Log hypnotises a nurse into doing a Fred Durst into her frilly blursts. Steve invites you to play for big Squid Game cash money. And Joe heads into the forest to dispense justice. We absolutely love you.

In this episode, Log goes hands-on with Superman's newfound sexuality. Steve goes pants-off when his French horn lessons are interrupted by Scream himself. And Gav is open-mouthed as he brings us a thrilling update from the British Kebab Awards. Do you mind taking your shoes off when you're listening to the podcast? We've just hoovered.