Regular Features

Giddy up, bucko, because it's another episode of this freakin' thing we do. In this one, Steve's Discord account got hacked by spooks. Log is going to reclaim his rightful title of Lord-or-Lady of the Dance. And Joe debuts the latest instalment in the long running series of interactive sports experiences about squaaaangular momentum. What are you still doing here? Start getting it in your ears! Credit: "Epicness Cinematic Dramatic Trailer" by RomanSenykMusic

As we have done every year for the last 9 years, Gav and Joe are sitting down for an extensive, exhaustive, extremely good talk through this year's British Kebab Awards. Who will win chef of the year? Why is there no garlic/chilli award? Will Alfred Molina endorse us? All of this and more in a very special episode of Regular Kebabs.

As people who absolutely freakin' love magpies always say: one for joy, two for joy, three for joy, four for joy, five for joy, six for joy, seven for joy, eight for joy. Nine? Ah what the heck, that's for joy that is. Ten is also for joy, why not. And eleven to boot! Twelve... hmm, best not get greedy. But for joy. Teehee. Twelve is for joy too, just don't tell anyone. :) In this episode, Log petitions Nintendo to make him a rideable mount in the new Zelda. Steve is definitely not a bunch of wasps wearing a Steve-suit. And Joe finally succumbs to the poison coursing through his incredible body. Let's get this showboat on the rowboat.

There's no time to waste. In this episode Joe concocts his very own VHS cassette horror anthology. Steve reports his very own fading feature memories. And Log purports his very own sock tipperies and trickories. Is that even what purports means? There's literally no time to google "define purports". I'm sorry, we really have to get on with this. Hey google, define purports. Oh wow, yeah okay that's not even almost the correct usage of the word.

What if you dragged a big wet carrier bag full of lukewarm biryani to a concert? What if you had a nice time at a spa? What if you watched yet another Marvel TV show in the hope that maybe this one, THIS one, might be good? Only Regular Features can answer all three questions at once in a big sexy booming voice to make your guts quiver. Oh boy, let's go.

Get this reader on the table, we need to operate NOW! Nurse, pass me a syringe full of Matt forgetting if he's ever owned a watch. I'm going to make a two-inch incision and insert Joe griping about his comedy heroes being sad about death. WE'RE LOSING THEM. We're going to have to do it- Nurse, I understand your reservations but we have to no TIME. We're going to try an experimental technique which involves shoving Log talking about yoga directly into the reader's spinal chord. We lost them. This never gets easier. Time of death: whenever this podcast description ended. I'm going to get a pork pie. "Raving Energy (faster)" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

The three original feature boys return for a very special reunion episode, never to be repeated, just like that time The Beatles went up on the roof and refused to come down until Linda McCartney invented frozen vegan sausages. Matt revisits his thoughts on Torchwood. Log treats us to a high-defintion re-release of some half-remembered Steve-on-Matt canoodling. And Steve ensures we'll never have sponsorship for at least another ten years, by reprising the one good feature idea he ever had.

This week Gav's been combing the Discord for #content - something which he swears he won't be doing again. Meanwhile Log's addresses a pretty nasty complaint we've had and Joe has been called up to jury duty or JOEry duty, if you will. Actually...no...it's jury duty. Sorry. Our mistake. If you'd like to join the Discord then get involved on Patreon: www.patreon.com/regularfeatures

According to the big Regular Features egg-timer on the roof, it's been exactly ten years since we invented podcasting. To celebrate, we've given ourselves a facelift. The unparalleled Sonny Ross has created new podcast art. The Patreon has an exciting new tier. And as for us? Well, we're only speaking in Spanish from now on. Por favor... www.patreon.com/regularfeatures En este episodio, Gav intenta meternos en el Libro Guinness de los Récords Mundiales. Y Joe recibe la visita de un magnate de las media sociales enormo, MySpace. Por los próximos diez años!

The snap of the magnet releasing its psychic grip, the brief peel of tacky rubber, the delighted squeak of the hinges, a rush of cold air, a waft of something green, the chemical tinge of a bad houmous, a row of eggs watches on. This is it baby, you've opened the fridge for a look. In this episode, Log opens his fridge for a look. Steve visits the optician. Matt does business with a young boy. Thank you! Hey guess what we've got a surprise for you soon. Hee hee hee. Do you ever read this bit? Hee hee hee. "Deep Relaxation" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Did you know Kenny Rogers came up with the line "you've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em" while he was doing his laundry, it's true ask anyone. Anyway! In this episode, Log gets imprisoned in his home by an NHS, Steve challenges the boys to a spelling contest, and Joe tries to flog an office chair. Thanks!

Here at Regular Features, we like to push boundaries. That's why we're the first podcast to ever discuss BDSM without giggling or being sick into the microphone. In this episode, Log talks about hardcore leather strap velcro kink sex, then Joe, apparently unaware of the theme, discusses tuna. Steve, god bless him, is just sort of... there? What a strange boy.

Have you ever wondered how we learned how to do all of our incredible comedy accents? Well in this episode, we'll teach you how! Log is offering every reader a free taster of our five day accent school, which will turn YOU from a "croikey doikey wadda crocodile mister" into a "hey I slappa da calzone outta ya mouth if you don make-a de waltzer go faster, ayyyy wadda disappointing funfair". Joe makes Gigi and offer she can't Hadid. Steve tips soil into his Xbox. Let's do this, please!

It's here. The blimp episode!

In this hot little potato wedge of an episode, Joe remembers what it was like back before politics and games journalists ruined E3 and it was all about good, old fashioned eggs. Matt remembers what it was like when it when a hundred million Pikmin were crushed underneath a Ronaldo. And Steve, in an audacious act of sabotage, simply deletes his third of the podcast.

Want to feel old? Put your dad's big shoes on and walk around the house saying "where did I put my mortgage in this, the year 1978". Then listen to Gav discuss the finer points of classic survival-comedy Castaway, which was released in 2000 and challenged a pre-9/11 America to wonder what it would be like if Tom Hanks had a big beard. What else? Well here is what. Steve threw a block of tofu out of a window. And Log got arachno-curious vis-a-vis having sex with a spider. You can't say we never treat you. You just can't!

I'm on a secret pirate island now, sorry!! Sorry everyone. In this one, Steve gets his coronavirus vaccination. Joe, desperate to keep up with Steve's trailblazing lifestyle, gets HIS vaccination too. Then Log launches a Regular Features podcast network, just to keep you on your toes. Bassa Island Game Loop by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/3424-bassa-island-game-loop License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

Pfft, schedules are for idiots. We've switched to releasing new episodes at random intervals, so you never know when you're gonna get slapped around the ears with our demanding, wet voices. (Sorry, things have been especially intense these past two weeks, please bear with us while we arrange our disorderly ducks). In this one, Joe Skrebels debases himself for a coin, and Steve has a visit from his ancient friend Paco Rabanne. Neon Laser Horizon by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/7015-neon-laser-horizon License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license Hard Boiled by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/3857-hard-boiled License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

Picture yourself in a boat on a river, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies. Now imagine it's a speedboat, and you've broken every maritime law there is, and you're on the run from the boat police. Now stop, calm down. None of this is happening, and you're listening to Regular Features actually. Log has written his own pub menu app, and Gav is gestating a viral tweet that's just aching to be twooted. Steve stands lookout, in case the pigs start sniffing around.

Hello and welcome to the description of the podcast. If you'll take a look to your left, you'll see that Log's erected a top 10 of people in his pub - he says it's not a feature but it's got a backing track and everything. To your right, you'll notice that Joe has sold his feature slot to the highest bidder, and what a bloody bidder it is. Up the stairs, Matt's busy putting the final touches to his thoughts about dentists, so we'll head to him last. And then after that, you'll see that all the way down that hallway we've installed a massive hive to allow for some of the freshest bee names ever to shoot from our lips onto your hips. PRAY ENTER AND ENJOY. Oh and if you'd like to listen to Jackacase's 'Improved Onion Fuck' forever, here's a nice long link to click: https://onedrive.live.com/?cid=09cb1c5031d17efd&id=9CB1C5031D17EFD%21175724&authkey=!AEd98oBq7nNKyBk