Regular Features

We've been sitting on the fence way too long. It's about time we took Ellen Degeneres down a peg or five. And as a feature appetiser: Steve got Mrs Doubtfired by an orthodonist. Joe is here too, to keep everyone in line.

Houston, we have a problem. The problem is that three guys came in and made some yuk-yuks in mission control and now we got a whole 'sploded Cape Canaveral. What were the yuk-yuks? Well, a guy called Gav told us about how a popular podcasting service stole his data and tried to make a quick buck. Then another guy, Log, he brought a buddy in to talk about Big Boys and soccer and water polo and I think he was aroused. After that, some joker called Joe finished us all off with a tale of - and you won't believe this - the International Space Station, and by that time we were just rolling around on the floor and one of us pressed the button that said "blow it all up". Sorry, Houston.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled features to bring you this very special report about a prince. The music "Raving Energy" which appears in the nightclub scene where we're all dancing and having fun when we find out Prince Philip is dead is by artist Kevin MacLeod. Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/5029-raving-energy License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

In this very special episode of Regular Features, we tackle the real issues facing our societies todays, what are named of: kayak mishaps, duck tits, Channel 4 anchors, a jungle disease (red flower), some guys who live in a bed even way after they're dead, and what to do about a Tim Allen. Excuse me, but please save your laughs for another episode, because it's time we got serious, and that's not even a joke.

Sure, you've all heard about how that big boat got wedged. Yawn! But have you also heard that Gav was mildly traumatised by an intractable camera man? No, because the "news" don't want you to know about it. In this week's tell all episode, Gav reveals how an impudent videographer shook him to his core, and Steve handles the boat business. Alright let's go.

Hello, it's me, the podcast, with another episode of myself. In this one, Steve gets rich off of blockchain dunks. Joe embarks on a lucrative Tik Tok career. And Log eats so many oak-temperature conkers that he gets a thank you letter from the Queen.

I once said boo to a goose and it laid an egg, and inside the egg was a piece of paper, and on the paper there was a joke. "Q: What do you get if you cross a camel with a goose? A: Goose bumps." Naturally I was furious for having had my time wasted on this nonsense goose whimsy, but by the time I looked up the goose had fled. The bad joke was a defence mechanism to prevent people getting near to me, I mean near to the goose. In this episode: Log has had his willy swiped by a wily enchantress. Joe gets wrapped up in the world of non-fungible tokens. And speaking of token, Steve contributes a low-effort Murray Walker bit that I suppose he thinks passes for a feature these days.

Look, it's late on a Sunday so let's cut to the chase. In this one, Joe tells a blood-curdling foot story to curry favour with the producers of any horror podcast who'll have him. Log discovers a gassy missus in the filthy missives of James Joyce, who is also his dad now by the way. Steve is in attendance, as per the court order.

What is the Gorbo Vibe? If you have to ask, it's not for you. And if you don't have to ask, well you come across as aloof and so it's also not for you, sorry. I don't make the rules. In this ep (short for episode), Gavin starts running but runs straight into a problem with smartwatches. And Steve unlocks the power of Gorbo Powder using a big key he discovered behind his washing machine. Joe is here too, making sure nothing rude happens.

I'm writing this in the bath, so I'll be brief. In this episode, Steve reports on how the newest Martian rover narrowly avoided wasp-induced catastrophe. Joe reveals he is Sia's honest-to-goodness cousin and demands access to his rightful family fortune. And Log has gone koo-koo bananas for the latest Yakuza game for the games computer. Whoops I got some suds on the podcast.

A rolling stone gathers no moss, but you know what it does gather? A lot of freaking attention that's what. And the last thing we want is the police snooping around here. In this episode, Log focuses his powerful forgiveness beams onto the back of your hand until you yelp in pain. Steve uncovers the oddly dimensioned zombies Capcom refuses to include in the new Resident Evil. And Gav discovers what exactly a cladding is and what it could possibly have to do with his unattended balcony barbecue meats. Seatbelts off, foot down. Let's go.

Tuck in your elbows, lock eyes with the person you love the most, and then hurl yourself out of the nearest window, because it's time for another episode of the Regular Features podcast. In this one. Log gets a visit from his good friend Eartha Kitt. Steve takes you on a saucy Loyd Grossman adventure. Joe shares an old family recipe. And Gav emits an inaudible hum that will cook your unsuspecting sinuses in ten minutes FLAT.

Rare meat raves. Pick and mix mince raffles. Room temperature offal sermons. Pig gristle quinceañeras. They all have one thing in common: they are ground zero for the aching bone rot known only as gout. Log's got it, and he's here to send us on a special quest to track down and gargle his favourite offcuts. Then. THEN. Steve tries to understand the recent Gamestop stock news. And Joe uses state of the art CGI to digitally insert himself into a classic feature from the archives. Stay safe out there.

Elegance. Charm. Big moustache. Poise. Intellect. Their very own pizza oven. Grace. Wit. These are the qualities we look for in an Italian chef, and we will settle for nothing less. What? Oh, we also did a podcast. Mamma mia. Steve delivers what he promises to be his very last feature about teeth. Log codes an algorithm that can generate four petabytes of bee names per second. Gav stumbles across a curious accent in The Expanse. Joe circles around us like a sheepdog.

Hey now, what's that sound, everybody look, it's a new episode of the podcast. What happens in this one? I'm so glad you asked. Steve composes his very own Cyberpunk 2077 mission. Joe escapes into the fantastic world of the Lemon Pibwobs. And Log hires a mediator to address recent bullying concerns on the podcast. Now if you don't mind. I've got to go stand over there. "Shiny Tech II" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

Strap in readers, as we carousel into the new year with a mildly irresponsible and Disaronno-fuelled special episode of Regular Features. Can we perform our features before Old Lazy Booze kisses us goodnight? Let's find out. FEATURES: Steve is interrupted by a very fussy guest. Gav tries to pawn a dirty goblin's ring. And Log has been to the opticians to get his eyes scooped out. Let's go! Credits: "Canon in D Major" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

International mega-psychic and telepathic thorn in Nintendo's side, Uri Geller's back, and this time he's got an entire museum of curios for you to explore. Steve's also got something about frozen food, after he saw a bag of omelette in Iceland. Gav got bumped, HARD. See you next year, baby!

Nadolig Llawen, Nollaig Shona Daoibh, Happy Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanza to all of our beloved multi-faith and faithless reads. In this rare FOUR BOY EPISODE, Joe is visited by a very shy old acquaintance with a guitar. Steve learns the horrible truth about what's up with all the bees. And Log successfully hosts an entire Punch and Judy show while also having an on-air mental breakdown. We'll be back next week for the last episode of 2020. Love ya!

In this ALMOST LIVE episode, Log invites you to explore the soundscape of a reader's body, Steve's been on the hunt for his local missing dogs, and Gavin libels Colonel Sanders, then goes after Aunt Bessie for good measure.

Giddy up, ladies. Log is open for business, with an entire bazaar's worth of Regular Features purchasables just for the readers. Joe investigates the origin of that big old pepperoni pizza in the music video for Eamon's 2004 hit, Eff It (I Don't Want You Back). Steve stares on, a hunger in his eyes and a sorrow in his heart.