Ross O'carroll-kelly @ The Irish Times

I’m like, “Okay, listen up, everyone,” spinning a rugby ball in my hands and – to be honest? – loving the way my voice sounds right now. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Lauren — as in, like, my best friend Christian’s wife? — has never been my number one fan. There are many reasons for that. For storters, she wouldn’t be what I would call a rugby person? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It’s, like, the first day of the school year and we’re standing outside the gates of Castlerock College. Although it would be more accurate to say that we’re blocking the gates — yeah, no, in protest at the school’s decision to go co-ed. There’s, like, 40 or 50 old forts involved — mostly mates of my old man’s — and they’re in their literally element. Our GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information.

There are – I think we’d all agree? – some great events in the South Dublin social calendar. There’s, like, the Dublin Horse Show. There’s the arrival of Santa Claus in a twin-engine Sikorsky on the roof of Dundrum Town Centre each December. And there’s obviously Bloomsday – or, as I call it, Halloween for wankers. Our GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information.

The weather in — yeah, no — Portugal has been so good that Sorcha has been suffering the big-time guilts over the future of what she calls our planet? But on Tuesday everything changed when a severe depression suddenly blew in from the west — in other words, her old pair came to visit. Our GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information.

It’s a cracking day in Quinta do Lago — but then aren’t they all? I’m having my first piña colada of the morning because I drank way too much last night and I’m feeling like dogshit that’s been stepped in twice. Our GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information.

A well-appointed property,” Sorcha goes, reading from the bumf, “set in the hort of one of South Dublin’s most sagacious suburbs. Oh my God, I love that word. It sounds amazing, doesn’t it, Ross? Our GDPR privacy policy was updated on August 8, 2022. Visit acast.com/privacy for more information.

So – yeah, no – I’m in the gym in Riverview, trying to get myself beach body-ready for Quints in the middle of August. Today is orms day and I’m sitting on a Swiss ball in front of a long mirror, with a 6kg dumbbell in either hand, thinking how fantastic I look for a man of, like, 42, with abs like speed bumps and pecs like bay windows. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

The old man has a Cohiba the size of a Wavin pipe wedged between his teeth and I end up having to open the window so I don’t die of smoke inhalation.“The fock are we even doing here?” I go. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Ireland are playing the All Blacks but Sorcha has planned a family weekend to Center Parcs. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

It’s here — as in, like, the big day? Honor has reached the final of the Joshua Pim Shield and it’s the most excitement Glenageary has seen since Google accidentally called it Glasthule in the course of mapping the area and 14 per cent was wiped off local property values overnight. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Sorcha asks me if I’m ready and I tell her – yeah, no – I think so? I’ve got my Rugby Tactics Book on the coffee table, twenty-four sticks of Heinemite in the fridge and I’ve aired out my Cantos with the loose elastic in which I do all of my best thinking. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

“Daddy long-legs,” Leo goes, pointing at quite literally nothing. “It’s a focking daddy long-legs.”I’m like, “For the fifteenth time, Leo, it’s not a daddy long-legs. It’s a crack in your glasses from when Johnny hit you across the face with the griddle pan.” See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

“Ross,” Fionn tries to go, “you can’t keep turning up at the school like this.”And I’m like, “Who says so?” sitting down opposite him and throwing the old Dubey Dubey Doos up on his desk. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

“Oh my God, that’s her!” Honor goes. Her being Corina Brien, her opponent in the first round of the Joshua Pim Shield in Glenageary Lawn Tennis Club. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Sorcha has ordered a skip. Yeah, no, that might not be big news where you live – but on Vico Road, Killiney, it’s, like, massive? Because it’s evidence that you’re up to something. And around here, there’s very little that escapes the attention of the local residents’ association, especially with their hourly drone flyovers looking for evidence of illegal building activity in the area. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

So I’ve brought Brian, Johnny and Leo to Morseille – yeah, no, the one in France – for their very first European Cup final. It’s, like, 24 hours before kick-off – or kick-orse, as I call it – and the excitement is already storting to build?https://www.irishtimes.com/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/ See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

There’s a familiar face in the kitchen, although I’m struggling to put a name to it. “Ross,” Sorcha goes, “you remember Foraoise Farrell, don’t you? Holy Child Killiney?”And that’s when the penny suddenly drops. Yeah, no, I was in UCD with her brother, Conor. We did the old Sportsman Dip course together – although the only sport we actually played, if I’m being honest, was pool while pissed. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

“What do you think?” Sorcha goes. Yeah, no, she’s trying to choose an outfit for the annual Vico Road and Vico Road-Adjacent Residents’ Association stort-of-summer borbecue and she’s been at it since nine o’clock this morning. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

So it’s, like, Day Whatever-it-is and my period of isolation is finally over. I’m about to ring the goys to see if anyone fancies hitting The Bridge for a few bank holiday scoops when all of a sudden my phone rings and it ends up being dick features himself. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.