Guy Friends Podcast

In this episode: A listener ponders that ancient riddle: is the act of scarfing hotwings an inherently unattractive act? Though basic politeness is the tangiest addition to any date night, the Guy Friends are not food-ist! Is it possible that an innocent joke about communicable disease resulted in a gross miscommunication? Our friend razzes a date about the strep throat he gave her, and he disappears. Was her good-natured ribbing a dating Kiss of Death? URGENT GUY FRIENDS ALERT: We’re throwing a two year anniversary party and hosting a live taping in the same awesome event! If you live in or near Chicago, or are independently wealthy, you should come out — we’d love to meet you! Beyoncé - Drunk In Love (Lemi Vice x Action Jackson Remix (DJActionJackson) CC BY 3.0

In this episode: A listener used to hookup with a literal cowboy who moved off to Nashville and got married with someone he met that week. Yes, that’s right — that isn’t a country song, or a horrible joke. Two years later, he’s liking her selfies on Instagram. Is he trying to rustle up some lovin’ from another ranch? Is sixty-nining two nights in a row enough to constitute one (1) sex? Does it matter? Fed up with the metric, U.S. customary, apothecary, and avoirdupois systems of measuring sexual units, the Guy Friends help you recalibrate your sex meters right down to the nanoflirt. One Direction - Best song ever ( The Dam remix ) (Dam on Mars) CC BY 3.0

What's the deal with serial daters? A listener wonders whether those always-attached people seem justifiably creepy for a reason. The Guy Friends try to unpack the various dating styles that might make someone go straight for the soulmate. We have feedback! Our friend writing in from the heart of Eastern Deciduousness has pulled the trigger on her nature preserve workplace romance, and needs a few more pointers. And finally: buttholes. We've all noticed them. Some of us have even glanced at them. But are we glancing enough? Night Drive (Skrillex & Ellie Goulding x Coyote Kisses) (DJ Topsider) CC BY 3.0

In this episode: A well-

In this episode: A listener doesn’t know how to handle a smallish-crush-who-just-broke-up-with-someone-and-was-super-conversational-about-it-and-they-were-flirting-a-lot-but-then-at-a-party-her-friend-madeout-with-him-a-little-bit-and-now-he’s-texting-her-weirdly — one of those situations. How does one navigate out of the dreaded Weird Middle Area with workplace suitors? The Guy Friends suggest a map for avoiding it in the first place. And when and how ought we be deploying the L word with our significant others? Tune in for a concise treatise on how this antiquated vestige of The Dark Ages offers nothing but turmoil. SHATTER YOUR CHAINS. UNYOLK THYSELF FROM THIS GESTURAL SLAVERY. Kelly Clarkson - Catch My Breath (J.M. Skillz Remix)(Radio Edit) (DJ Skillz aka J.M. Skillz) CC BY 3.0

In this episode: How do you flirt with a feminist? How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? A ~DIAMOND LEVEL CONTRIBUTOR~ asks the Guy Friends for their perspective... if there is one. Are there any meaningful differences between an outspoken gynocrat and and anyone else? Though there's not a firm distinction to work with, the Guy Friends do have advice for when the subject comes up. And a listener has been hooking-up with a Tinder catch who has been texting her constantly, and is thus far unfazed by a dreaded lack of penetrative vaginal sex. What's this guy's angle, and should she feel bad about not being in the mood for a touch of the ole' in-and-out? Is it possible that in a heap of swipes, she discovered the undiscoverable: an OK dude? Avicii - Wake Me Up (Moises Naves Edit Remake) (Moises Naves) CC BY 3.0

In this episode: A listener asks the Guy Friends to give their critical readings on the Modern Romantic Comedy. Are these tales of finding fulfillment through meeting Mr. Right inherently misogynistic? What would a more empowering ”take on the genre look like? Be warned: don’t ask questions of the Cosmos if you’re not prepared for the answers… On a partially related note, a listener asks the Guy Friends for their opinion on gender swap roleplay in the bedroom. How ought you navigate making your man into your Pretty Woman for a night? It may surprise you to learn which roles the Guy Friends consider experimental, and which are just another day at the races. Kylie Minogue - Put Your Hands Up (Brian Cua Extended Pride Mix) (djbriancua) CC BY 3.0

In this episode: A listener was recently released from years of captivity and is ready to conquer the dating wilds! The Hunt is already decent, but our spearsister nevertheless wants advice on the etiquette of casual dating. How does one play catch-and-release with a variety of prey without endangering any wildlife? The Guy Friends advise staying focused on that day’s target. Conversely, a date-turned-"friend" has shockingly betrayed his true feelings — again. What should one do about a guy who can't quite grasp a fade-to-friendship, or worse — chooses not to? Sometimes you just have to make like a drunk carpenter and drop the hammer! [What is this. Are you drunk again? — Ed.] John Legend ft. Ludacris - Tonight (Best You Ever Had) (silent murda reggae remix) (Silent Murda) CC BY 3.0

In this episode: When is it appropriate to openly discuss all your ~*~flirt buddies~*~ with the person you're dating? Certainly some people wouldn't want to know about it — or have it happen at all (Happy Thanksgiving, PURITANS). So how would you broach the topic, if at all? And how do you gently let your victims know that there's a Real Person in your life? The Guy Friends assure you that at least one of these things is easy! And not to toot our own horn... but someone wants to know when it's OK to fart in front of someone, so we talk about that, too. Whitney Houston - it's No Right But It's Ok (GianMarco Nieri 2013 Bootleg Rmx) (GianMarco Nieri) CC BY 3.0

In this episode: It can be difficult breaking up with someone and untangling yourself from a relationship together. But what about untangling your parents? After ending a three-year relationship of heavy interfamily mingling, a friend of the podcast is getting foolishly-optimistic texts from her exes’ Mom pushing a potential relationship Renaissance. As seasoned parent-wranglers, the Guy Friends are full of tips on how to handle parents who just can’t get the message. And a listener wonders: why did her friend’s ex bounce back from their relationship like an international playboy, only to come crawling back as an unintentional killjoy? Is there a distinct difference between men and women when it comes to coping with breakups? Or does an easier transition lie with whoever breaks the bad news? Fantasy (Jason Derulo x Bruno Mars) (DJ Topsider) CC BY 3.0

In this episode: Kickball league flirtations smoldered through the season, the playoffs, the pub, and on to… nothing. Now that the leaves are falling and the balls are all bundled up, is it too late to call this guy out of the dugout? The Guy Friends do what they can to help this listener kick it out of the park… And a listener is concerned that she’s too chatty when she’s in bed with her Friend With Benefits. Is it bad that internal monologues (and fluids) are making their way out of the body unchecked? Or should our listener ease up on herself and open the verbal floodgates? The Guy Friends insist that, much like publicity, there’s no such thing as bad communication! Body Party (Kiff Remix) (KiFF ) CC BY 3.0

In this episode: With Halloween closing in fast, The Guy Friends tackle the scariest, spookiest, creepiest subject of all: long term commitment. Spoooooooooooky! How does a couple keep their Sex Life alive and throbbing after months — years even! — of monogamous sex-having? Despite a gentle paucity of firsthand experience, the Guy Friends do their best to provide a holistic model of sustainable sexin’. And is it wrong to expect a long-term boyfriend follow you across the country in pursuit of your career? Should he jump on your wagon train, or is this relationship doomed to die of cholera? What is a reasonable expectation? What should you expect when you’re expecting to temper your expectations? The Guy Friends can’t have these conversations for you, but they can certainly provide a solid map for finding your way through the wildernesses of ~The Future~ Crime Side (Feat. Raekwon the Chef and MF DOOM) (LOWERCASE n) CC BY 3.0

In this episode: A very considerate listener wants to know about the proper etiquette when using that charm school staple: Tinder! Is it OK to be particularly picky? How high ought we be setting our expectations? Must we swipe our suitor with our pinkies up? PLEASE at least listen to the segment before you flick the Guy Friends to the left! A new-ishly single listener has taken a liking to the clerk at her local fancy liquor store, but doesn’t know how to best…shake things up. Would pursuing the working man stir up trouble? Or should she order one straight up? Follow-up: will you ever respect us again after reading this blurb? As always, let us know directly at (773) 234-BROS! Britney Spears vs. Lady Gaga - If U Seek Me In Electric Chapel (mashandburn) CC BY 3.0

The Guy Friends were supposed to discuss how to gracefully cut a guy off after a date, but inevitably get bogged down in an ancient, already-answered question: is it better to send a break-off text, or send no text at all? Armed with updated points of view, the Guy Friends drunk text this question out of nowhere, at 2:27 AM, after 19 months of complete silence, are they kidding me right now?! And a listener has been fooling around pretty consistently with a dude, yet he seems reluctant to dive into “P-in-V sex” (Note: “P” stands for “penis, and “V” stands for “vagina”). Why would he be hesitant in spite of her lustful encouragements? What could be the reason for his “Congressional staff” getting furloughed? [Guys, we need to talk. I can’t work like this -- Ed.] Tiempo Remixes - Barry White - my first my last my everything (freestyleartistmanagement) CC BY 3.0

In this episode: A listener bemoans The Game. Vexed by texts. SMS stress. A reeeaaalll pain in the behind. Why won’t her booty call answer The Call of the Booty in a timely manner? The Guy Friends deliver a sobering lesson on paying your dues in the current sexual economy. Back in our day, you had to hike 10 miles just to see a broad’s ankle! And how should we manage wealth disparities in our relationships? An enterprising listener is sick and tired of the unwashed masses, mewling and griping for handouts. She works for her money! Why should some freeloader get bailed out of a P.F. Chang’s check with her blood, sweat and tears?! Tune-in as the Guy Friends grow neckbeards to break their shackles. Beyonce-Me Myself & I (Max Bateman Bootleg Remix) (Max Bateman) CC BY 3.0

In this episode: A listener wonders what a guy would do if she were to accidentally pee on him while orgasming. We... don't feel the need to embellish that any further. This isn't that kind of podcast. And the Guy Friends address the oft-nebulous issue of first date apparel! It's no secret that Aaron has an eye for a more polished aesthetic, while Josh prefers to rely on his sense of humor and preternatural charm. But are there any common faux pas that the world needs to know about? Tune in to find the middle ground between hitting the runway, and your date running away [Clumsy. Is this the best we can do?? - Ed.]. Elvis Presley — Blue Suede Shoes (Dj Ons Bootleg)(Dj_Ons) CC BY 3.0

In this episode: How do you deal with a dude who lives with his Mom? How can a complete outsider best navigate this delicate ecosystem? Logic dictates staying at her place by default, but if one needed to take shelter in such an land, how would you avoid the dangers of separating a mother from her cub? The Guy Friends teach you to construct a crude hatchet out of your man’s childhood LEGOs. And a dude is trying to rope a listener into a sneaky phone sex relationship via the time-honored Late-Nite Horny Facebook Message… or is he? Big Pun - Not A Player (Mister Luke O'Hearn 'Sir Fuckalot' Edit) (Mister Luke O'Hearn) CC BY 3.0

In this episode: In the days of yore, we were taught of a sex act so amazing and hilarious that no other erotinumeric value could rival it. But do any Sexual Humans® actually practice the art of sixty-nine (69) in real-life? The Guy Friends contemplate the unsure future of this floundering institution and forge ahead to release version 69.2.0, codename "Sixty-Nine Siberian Tiger." And a listener was offered an invitation to Iceland from a dude she's sort of seeing. Would a Yes necessarily imply a dip into the hotsprings of commitment? What if the invitation was originally meant for someone else? The Guy Friends ponder whether their relationship is becoming sweeter than snúður, or if it's as plain as cold hræringur… Lorde - Tennis Court (Basscamp Remix) (Basscamp) CC BY 3.0

In this episode: The Guy Friends have to choose a male celebrity to bone, and do a miserable job at it! [I would like to take a moment to change my answers to Jon Snow, Ira Glass, and the food one from Queer Eye (he was always nice) -- Josh] And when or how ought someone in an open, long-distance relationship reveal their status to potential suitors? Should they put it out there as early as possible, like in an online profile, or as conversation segues to an ask-out? Or should you wait as long as in-between your second and third children? How much need is needed to judge a need-to-know basis? Katy Perry - Roar ( The Dam remix ) (Dam on fire) CC BY 3.0

In this episode: We have questions about how to have sex in a loft bed, and luckily for basically no one, both of the Guy Friends are seasoned veterans and long-time members of the Six-Foot-High Club. Are there any pro tips before climbing the Stairway to Heaven™? Listen in for what to keep in mind during a rousing round of the ole' Sway N' Pray! And a listener asks for advice on how to get invited to her Greek Orthodox boyfriend's Sunday dinners. Is it weird that she's never invited, even though they've been dating for five (sorta-dating for seven!) years? Should she perceive this as a snub, or is it just an ethno-religious institution that's not for outsiders, no matter how girlfriendly? Usher-Throwback Bachata Remix (DJ RM) CC BY 3.0