What The Hell Were You Thinking

We are rapidly nearing the point where I have no choice but to conclude that his has sworn some kind of pact with the Great Old Ones and is actively working to rouse Dread Cthulhu from his slumber I Donald J Trump can tell you that is not dead, which eternal lie, but in strange eons, even death may die--ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn means Make America Great Again--I will build a wall from R'lyeh to America, the Old One will rise and I will make a deal with him so that America, Trump and Cthulhu will rule the Universe Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The Tiny Penis of the Republican Party said things that ostensibly should have had him run out of the state on a rail, or hung from a palmetto bug--and still he won. We are rapidly nearing the point where I have no choice but to conclude that his has sworn some kind of pact with the Great Old Ones and is actively working to rouse Dread Cthulhu from his slumber: Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

n no way do I expect people to stop jumping on Jim J Bullocks 90 Day Juice Cleanse—is that guy even still alive?—or trying Tia Tequila’s new Six Exciting New Kegel Clenches, but this a person who has publicly said the Earth is flat and that fat people deserve to die but also she is a Super Soldier created by Nazi’s—so maybe you shouldn’t listen to her when she mentions anything about vaccines. If you are desperate for a movie star’s medical advice, might I suggest Ken Jeong star if movies such as the Hangover, and televisions Community who is an actual medical doctor and would probably dispense some very good advice such as ask your fucking doctor and stop bothering him! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A lot of Lefties have the fire right now for a dick swinging Liberal firebrand to take Scalia’s place on the Court. Someone who would go in and just kick over every Conservative apple cart that comes before the court the same way Scalia did to us. Except, they are wrong. The BIGGEST insult to Scalia’s legacy in a moderate justice who would take a nuanced view on the issues and vote the merits of the case. If that means we lose some cases, GOOD, because if our cases are bad then we DESERVE to lose. But, if we have someone who has the long term interest of the nation, who truly sees the Constitution as what it IS, an evolving document that changes over time to suit the needs of the governed, then THIS is the antithesis of EVERYTHING Scalia stood for. I don’t want an idealist on the Court I want nuance, intellect, I want a slightly Left of Center Kennedy! I want a way a more Liberal Roberts, who understand the Court is the last bastion of reason and logic in an increasingly illogical system. I want a sli

FDR told us the only thing we had to fear to is fear itself, and here we are 80 years later terrified of it—because I cannot see why people are so fucking afraid. Crime is still down, the economy is stable, and terrorism is a legitimate threat but not an imminent one. If we are not at “peace” we are also not engaged in multiple wars with hundreds of thousands of troops deployed. Inflation is nominal, the stock market is well, not humming along but doing what it does, go up and go down, jobs are on track to continue modest growth in the foreseeable future, our budget imbalances are bad but nothing compared to where they were eight or ten years ago. If our government is basically gridlocked by endless partisan bickering is at least a STABLE gridlock. Frankly, I am beginning to think the inability to do ANYTHING might be the best government we can hope for. When I look at the board, I simply do NOT see the reason for all this unreasonable fear! Are there giant Space Clowns the government is hiding from us

We who do not care for the activities of millionaires who received preferential treatment all their lives due to an enhanced ability to carry a ball across a field, an activity so pointless it defies explanation. Could we not simply decide which end of the field we want the ball to be on, and leave it there? A lot of people are getting hurt trying to move a ball, and no one has even thought to check with ball see where it might like to be located? Of course, they are getting paid an OBSCENE amount of money to get hurt, so, they got that for ‘em. Anyway he asked if we just lay off with sport ball bashing today. WE have to lay off? Excuse me, but I do not think it was the sport ball hating nerds who were doing the bullying through 12 years of education? I don’t remember my D&D club ganging up on the Popular Quarterback and making him cry because all the cheerleaders were hanging around with us while we tackled Assault on the Aerie of the Slavelords! I know when I was attending Georgetown on a Call of C

Stay tuned for the Jameson 80 Proof Prediction sadly NOT brought to you Jameson’s Irish whiskey, the official drink of the What the HELL Were You Thinking Podcast. Every time we slur, you’re hearing Jameson! Naturally the big story in the coming week is the New Hampshire Primary, when the people of New Hampshire all climb out of the snow caves and syruping shacks and head down to the nearest building that is NOT a Bed and Breakfast run by a retired New York stockbroker or Bob Newhart, sorry that was Vermont, and cast their vote for President. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Now, to say that my friends are split on the Hillary Bernie issue is something of an understatement. All of us are godless libtards pinko bastards sekert muslin terrorist sharia sympathizing Democrats. But we are heavily divided between HOW we want to oppress the God Fear Good Christian People of America! The Clinton Wing would prefer a graduated approach, incrementally stripping away people’s guns and gods a little at a time, while the Sanders Wing prefers to throw everyone not agreeing with straight in an concentration camp, as soon as we are done nationalizing all private industry. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

And if you are fan of or reality or just a decent human, these next two weeks are going to really hard for you. That’s why I am doing this Special Edition. Between tomorrow and next Tuesday, you are going to have really bad week because I am making the Jameson 80 Proof Prediction, I think Trump is going to win Iowa and New Hampshire Hold on hold on, wait, it gets worse, because I bet he wins South Carolina too. If you need a minute, you can pause the show and get yourself together, I understand. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Iowa is too small, too rural and too white to even come close to reflecting the America these jackoffs running for office are even PRETENDING to represent. Hell, the Iowa Caucus doesn’t accurately represent IOWA! The voters, well not voters but the delegate representatives, must be physically present to be counted, no absentee ballots, so if you have a night job, or the tractor broke down on the back 40 and you had to walk back to the farmhouse and don’t make it to the caucus, fuck you, you’re out. This is the first year that members of the military, you know the people out there defending democracy, could participate via a video link! 2016! So, your average Iowa caucus voter is VERY white, and very middle class, you know the kind of people who have jobs that let out at 5 PM. That leaves out the cashiers at the Wal-Mart, the chicken pluckers at the Tyson plants, the cops, firemen, nurses and doctors, the janitors, the street sweepers, gas station attendants, Merle down at the Stop and Shop who always let

Weather is serious, weather REPORTING is NOT. Weather REPORTING is the hysterical response of glory seeking reporter wannabes who can take a mole hill of a storm turn into mountain of Oh Shit We’re All Gonna Die. Hurricane Sandy was a big fucking deal, and it fucked up the Eastern Seaboard—but from the hyperbolic reportage leading up to the storm, you would think we needed Bruce Willis on a space shuttle! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The last two Republican winners of the Iowa Caucus were Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum both of which went on to embarrassingly drop out . In any normal election year, Ted would be heading for a similar fate. But this year, there is a big, orange turd in the punchbowl and all of the sudden a rabid tea tard, grandiose self-promoter literally loathed by his party establishment is preferable to the aforementioned tufted deuce floating serenely on top of the Republican polls. And that deuce is NOT going to swirl gently into the good plumbing, it is going to skid along the porcelain and leave the kind of mess you need to Ty-D-Bowl before the next person can come in. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The Bundy Boys are emblematic for the entire Wingnut Wing of the Conservative Party in the country, they are not entirely sure what it IS they want, but they sure as hell know what they DON’T. And that is anything that comes out of Washington, except the occasional small business loan, federal disaster relief when range fires wipe out their homes, jobs at the dead alien storage facilities with great union benefits. You know real salt of the earth cowboy jobs, like guards at federal prisons! And, a lot of them want one thing more than anything else: to keep minorities as far away from them as possible. As though people are going to fight their way through war, death, famine and torture to finally make it to America and then move to a land so desolate, remote and filled with ideological zealots it makes Raqqa seem like the Castro District of San Francisco. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I guess what I am saying is the new Star Wars movie is more than just a movie, indeed the old Star Wars movies were as well. They touched something in all of us that connects with our deeply troubled childhoods and all the broken and bitter disappointments we feel toward our parents and our lives—when we sit in the theater watching a note for note recreation by JJ Abrams he is not looting our childhood but returning to us the false sense of hope we once held when a young band of plucky rebels stood up against authoritarian evil and toppled an empire the same way we too would stand up to our parents and say “Fuck you, I am studying poetry in college and there is nothing you can do about since you aren’t paying for it DAD! OH, I am still mad you for throwing away my Star Wars toys! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT? YOU DESTROYED MY CHILDHOOD ALL OVER AGAIN!” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

2016 will actually be CRAZIER, and probably hotter than 2015. Nothing will change, nothing will be done to fix anything, we will continue to ignore our problems and focus on the inane, the pointless and the self interesting while our country and the world, slowly sinks into a morass of its filth and stupidity, but at least I will have show topics for the podcast. And that is all that is really important isn’t it? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

“Where is the big redemption, that moment where our host wakes up after being visited by the Three Ghosts who show him how much Christmas really means?” you are in for a BIG disappointment. Life is NOT a He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special where even Skeletor learns a valuable lesson? Yeah, you don't get one of those." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The bulk of Trump supporters are also under educated, under employed, under served by their government and under the spell of religion. They are the forgotten Americans, a group of people left in the dust of progress like a Palm Pilot in an iPhone age. Imagine what it’s like from their perspective, things LOOK familiar, all the buttons are there, but somehow they just can’t seem to figure out what they all do—that’s America to a Trump supporter: it looks like America, but no matter how many times they press the button, they can’t figure how to launch the app that makes them culturally, intellectually and until now, politically relevant. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When politicians SAY they are praying for the victims of crime like this, chances are they probably aren’t so much praying for the victims as praying to God thanking them for another safety check on the elected office. After all, did not the Human Yeast Infection that is the Republican Front Runner actually Tweet that the shooting would give him a bump in his poll numbers. And while the orange skidmark in our national tighty whites is a heinous excuse for a human being, he is refreshingly honest because every single politician on BOTH sides had that moment where they thought “Jesus, this is going to so GREAT for my poll numbers!” the fetid miasma of fecal fragrance that is DT just voiced that universal feeling. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I think it’s ironic that the group of people most likely to be shoved in a locker with our undergarments wedged so far up our asscracks we could taste the fruit on our looms has devolved into the most destructive and vicious group of bullies on the Internet. People who once yearned to be accepted now circle like a pack of angry jocks over a dropped book bag full of Monster Manuals around someone for daring NOT to like something THEY like. Fuck, am I the only one who remembers what it was like to have some no necked gym teacher spew spittle in my face when I dared to reply that I didn’t think football was all that great? Now, when someone utters the tiniest thing construable as less than complimentary about your favorite nerd thing they get death threats? Great job, Nerds, you are now the jocks and women are dweebs. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Because we’ve recently learned our show is, for some unexplained reason, slightly more popular in Norway than the rest of the world-- we thought we would take a minute to explain some American Pop Culture References you’ve probably seen on the Internet but do not understand. Sit back, have a lutefisk and let us explain the American Phenomena of the Drunk Uncle! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices