On The Brighter Side

Today's interview is with my oldest son, Jake and his new wife, Livvy to chat about the new book I wrote for them and unpack five of the most common myths that sabotage new marriages and trade them for simple habits that build trust, respect and joy. Thinks we talk about in the episode are:• faith first, spouse second as good advice from Livvy's Dad• seeing parents model affection, repair and service• differentiation over “you complete me”• mind reading myths versus clear, simple requests• growth includes discomfort and honest repair• why happy couples do fight and how to do it well• address small stuff early to prevent resentment• learning together through books and shared language• teamwork during stressful seasons and daily service• date night as a sacred ritual for connectionIf you’re newly engaged, early in marriage, or simply ready to trade fairytales for a stronger relationship, this one’s for you. Listen, share with a partner, and tell us: which myth are you ready to replace? If you enjoyed

Bad sexual advice is one of the top reasons couples struggle early in marriage, often because most grow up with distorted expectations about what a healthy sex life looks like.• Sex advice is usually messed up because the topic is taboo in most families• Most couples start marriage with distorted expectations about their sex life• "A Good Wife Keeps Her Husband Satisfied" creates an unhealthy obligation dynamic• Healthy sex is mutual with both partners free to say yes or no• The myth that "men always want it and women never do" oversimplifies desire• Desire varies from person to person and changes in every season of life• Understanding "bridges to desire" helps couples communicate about intimacy• The myth that "great sex should happen naturally" creates disappointment• Most couples have one partner with spontaneous desire and one with responsive desire• Great sex takes communication, intentionality, and sometimes scheduling• Sex is a journey, not a destination – you&apo

A marriage advice detox can transform your relationship by eliminating harmful myths and replacing them with practical communication skills. Bad marriage advice like "never go to bed angry" or "happy wife, happy life" often sounds good but leads to frustration and resentment when applied to real relationships.• Identify the marriage beliefs and advice you've been operating under• Challenge unhelpful advice by asking if it's actually serving your relationship• Replace false beliefs with communication skills that foster connection• Implement the 3% rule: daily communication, weekly date nights, yearly check-ins• Many couples give up prematurely because they're holding themselves to impossible standards• The common thread in all bad marriage advice is lazy communication• Write new rules specifically for your marriage instead of following generic adviceMy new book "Bad Marriage Advice: Debunking Myths That'll Make You Miserable and What to Do Instead" launches Oct

Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife explores how moving beyond validation-seeking creates deeper, more authentic intimate connections in marriage, explaining that true intimacy requires embracing differences rather than demanding constant agreement.• Distinguishing between validation and true intimacy in relationships• Understanding the three unhealthy relationship patterns: pressuring our partner, yielding to avoid conflict, or creating parallel lives• Recognizing that we marry people for their differences but then often resent those same differences• Learning to weather invalidation without falling apart or becoming defensive• Developing the capacity to truly listen to our partner's perspective without immediately defending ourselves• Identifying our "losing strategy" – our default response under pressure that undermines connection• Approaching conflict with curiosity about our partner's experience rather than taking it personally• Beginning difficult conversations by acknowledging where our par

Conflict and differences in marriage don't mean you married the wrong person; they simply mean you're two human beings from different backgrounds working together to build a life. Statistics show "incompatibility" is the leading cause of divorce, but what couples often interpret as irreconcilable differences are actually normal variations in perspective.• Differences between spouses are normal and healthy, not red flags• The idea that real love should feel effortless is a damaging myth• Conflict isn't a sign of incompatibility but an opportunity for growth• Working through differences builds intimacy and connection• My husband and I had completely opposite backgrounds regarding travel and dining out• Early conversations about money and lifestyle were extremely strained• It took a decade to find solutions that worked for both of us• We created unique approaches to travel and date nights that blend both perspectives• Successful couples don't agree on everything - they collaborate c

Marriage advice is everywhere, but much of it is outdated, misguided, or flat-out harmful to your relationship, no matter how well-intentioned it may be.• Happy couples don't fight - FALSE: Conflict is like exercise for your relationship and helps you grow stronger• The myth of "don't sweat the small stuff" can lead to an explosion after years of suppressing irritation• Compromise is outdated advice that leaves both partners with less than they want• Collaboration creates solutions that multiply the best of both positions instead of subtracting from each• Love is a foundation but requires communication skills, conflict resolution, and intentional connection to build lasting marriage• Your differences aren't proof you picked the wrong person - they can become your greatest strengths when you learn to navigate them together• Believing these myths sets expectations that don't match reality, which creates resentmentTo be part of my book launch team for "Bad Marriage Advice: Debu

Traditional marriage advice often sounds wise but can secretly damage relationships when applied to modern marriages. In this episode, we examine five common marriage myths that might be undermining your relationship and explore healthier alternatives.• The dangers of "never go to bed angry" and how it leads to sleep deprivation and worsened arguments• Why "happy wife, happy life" creates an impossible burden on one spouse and ignores both partners' needs• How "find someone who completes you" leads to unhealthy codependency instead of partnership• The myth that happy couples don't fight, when research shows healthy couples simply repair better after a fight• Why compromise is outdated and collaboration creates better solutions for both partners• Bad marriage advice is anything that makes communication lazy or doesn't require vulnerability• Plus, ten more marriage myths are explored in depth in the bookMy new book "Bad Marriage Advice" launches September 3

Relational Reckoning is a powerful tool that helps couples take inventory of their relationship, identify resentment, and make informed decisions about whether to stay together or part ways.• Using coaching or therapy as a "misery stabilizer" indicates deeper relationship issues that need addressing• Relational Reckoning answers the question: "Is there enough good in this relationship to mourn what I'm not getting?"• Create two columns - "Good" and "Needs/Missing" - to visualize your relationship inventory• For each unmet need, consider whether it can be met outside the relationship or by yourself• Some needs, like physical intimacy, require direct communication and possibly professional guidance• This tool can be used annually to reboot your relationship and have honest conversations• Working with a relationship coach helps ensure you make decisions with clarity and peaceIf you'd like support with this process or want to schedule a free 30-minute relationship

Trevor Hanson shares powerful insights about how couples unknowingly trigger wounded parts in each other and explains how healing these attachment wounds transforms relationships. Through understanding negative cycles and inner child work, we discover how one person can significantly change relationship dynamics by healing their own insecurities.• Couples get trapped in negative cycles when they trigger each other's core insecurities• The "right" partner will hurt you in ways that allow you to heal your deepest wounds• Communication skills are useless when we're too triggered to access them• Healing your insecurities allows you to approach relationship challenges differently• One person can significantly change relationship dynamics by changing themselves• Recognizing when your prefrontal cortex has gone offline is key to breaking patterns• Inner child work involves recognizing, validating, truth-telling, and giving yourself what you need• Explaining your experience to your partner (when n

Teaching kids about healthy sexuality requires a thoughtful approach that prepares them for marriage, much like teaching them to drive requires instruction before handing over the keys.• The DRIVE framework provides a comprehensive approach to sex education within families• D for Dialogue: Keep conversations open, ongoing, and age-appropriate• R for Respect: Teach children to view their bodies and sexuality as sacred• I for Instruction: Provide education that matches developmental stages• V for Values: Ground all conversations in family values about marriage and commitment• E for Expectation: Build positive anticipation for intimacy within marriage• Common myths about sex education can undermine effective teaching• Fear-based messaging creates the problematic "no-no-no, go-go-go" dynamic• Children need consistent, positive messaging about sexuality as God's gift for marriage• Parents should model appropriate affection and open communicationIf you have questions or need additional resources to t

Hanna Kok shares her expertise on the surprising link between forgiveness and physical health, revealing why holding onto grudges causes hormonal imbalances and weakens the immune system. We explore the scientific evidence behind this connection and discuss a practical method for making forgiveness easier.• When we hold grudges, our muscles tighten, restricting blood flow and nutrient delivery throughout the body• Brain function decreases dramatically during conflict—the prefrontal cortex (responsible for wisdom and problem-solving) can switch off up to 85%• Stress emotions attach to cell receptors, triggering responses that put cells in overdrive and eventually lead to health problems• Different organs are sensitive to specific emotions—the liver responds to anger, lungs to grief, and the gut to feelings of abuse• Unforgiveness reduces energy available for immune function, making us more susceptible to illness• The forgiveness method includes identifying what triggered you, recognizing what it reveals about

You deserve a fulfilling sex life without settling or compromising. The FIRE method provides a framework for creating a deeply connected and satisfying intimate relationship that works for both partners.• Higher desire partners often feel they must settle in their marriages, leading to resentment and diminished intimacy• Emotional connection alone doesn't guarantee a satisfying sex life – sexual dynamics require specific attention• F – Face your beliefs about sex that were planted in your "garden" growing up• I – Initiate honest conversations about desires, boundaries, and preferences• R – Rewrite the rules together as a couple, free from cultural expectations and shame• E – Engage consistently through different life stages, creating rituals and "bridges to desire"• Sexuality should be approached playfully, like recess for adults• Regular "Sex Talk Tuesdays" can help normalize ongoing conversations about intimacyFor additional resources, download the FIRE worksheet at monica

True intimacy requires the freedom to be ourselves in marriage. We explore what it means to create space where both partners feel safe, seen, respected, and supported throughout all seasons of life together.• Creating emotional freedom by feeling safe to make mistakes, have opinions, and share feelings without judgment• Physical freedom in maintaining personal friendships, self-care, and autonomy within partnership• Sexual freedom to communicate desires, boundaries, and curiosities without shame• Spiritual freedom to explore faith and values both individually and as a couple• Using the powerful question "Tell me more about that" to foster understanding and connection• Practicing grace over judgment and celebrating each other's individuality• Giving each other permission to evolve, grow, and make mistakesJoin us for a special workshop on July 16th on "How to Stop Compromising to Get More of What You Want in Your Relationship." Sign up at www.monicatanner.com/stopcompromising to attend

We often avoid difficult conversations, but addressing conflicts directly leads to stronger relationships rather than allowing resentment to build and potentially emerge "sideways." Understanding that all relationships cycle through harmony, disharmony, and repair helps us recognize conflicts as opportunities for growth.• Lead with curiosity, not accusation: examine your triggers, consider others' intentions, and share your experience without blame• Say what you mean without being mean: describe situations objectively, own your interpretations, and express feelings clearly• Listen to understand the other person's reality: open your heart to their experience instead of listening defensively• The repair process is where trust forms and relationships become stronger and more resilient• Having difficult conversations builds relationship "muscles" through temporary vulnerability that leads to greater strengthIf you need help navigating difficult conversations, book a complimentary cal

Money conversations don't have to lead to arguments—they can actually strengthen relationships when approached with the right communication tools and mindset. We explore three essential skills for talking about finances with your spouse that build connection instead of conflict.• Understanding each other's money personalities and formative experiences around finances• Learning to express your needs without blame or judgment• Scheduling regular, low-pressure "money huddles" to stay on the same page• Keeping financial discussions light and celebrating small wins together• Remembering you're on the same team when financial differences arise• Creating communication strategies that honor both partners' financial perspectives• Walking or driving side-by-side can make difficult money conversations easierI'm still offering my summer special for engaged and newlywed couples: three premarital or newly post-marital coaching sessions for the price of one. Email me at moni@monicatanner.c

I tackle the challenging reality of what to do when one partner wants to work on the relationship while the other resists, providing a clear three-step approach based on my experience with couples in this situation.• Despite what some experts claim, you cannot completely transform your marriage alone—both partners must participate• The first step is to directly invite your partner to therapy or coaching, being persistent but understanding about their concerns• Step two involves creating "productive discomfort" by withdrawing comforts you typically provide• The final step may require temporary separation to demonstrate how serious you are about improving the relationship• When both partners engage in the work, transformative results are possible that benefit not just the couple but future generations• Breaking generational patterns requires courage to stand up with loving power rather than settling for mediocrityIf you need help with this process, please reach out for a complimentary call at monicata

After an incredibly busy May filled with family celebrations including our 23rd wedding anniversary, my son's wedding, my daughter's high school graduation, and a week-long houseboat trip to Lake Powell, I'm reflecting on valuable relationship lessons that emerged during this special time.• Shared a powerful relationship skill called the "I notice" technique that creates open communication without triggering defensiveness• Explained how to properly use this approach by describing only what a security camera would see, not interpretations or judgments• Reflected on early marriage challenges and how different schedules and communication styles created difficulties• Advocated for premarital or newlywed counseling even when relationships seem perfect• Discussed the benefits of establishing a relationship with a therapist before problems arise• Offered insight into how Relational Life Therapy helps identify relationship patterns and triggering mechanisms• Emphasized the importance of learn

Dr. Nicole Villegas, occupational therapist and founder of the Sensory Conscious Institute, explores how understanding nervous systems and sensory patterns helps build relationships rooted in safety, connection, and clarity.• Beyond the five senses: interoception (internal feelings), vestibular (movement through space), and proprioception (body position awareness)• Creating collaborative solutions versus compromises for different sensory preferences• Using the Three C's: curiosity, compassion and consent in communication• How unaddressed sensory needs lead to seemingly disproportionate reactions later• The AHA method for regulation: Acknowledge, Honor, and take Action toward safety• Signs your nervous system is dysregulated: racing heart, difficulty focusing, feeling "buzzy"• Walking and talking as an effective strategy for difficult conversations• Recognizing when your partner is overwhelmed through body language cues• Using "I noticed..." statements instead of judgment when discussi

When life gets chaotic, maintaining your sanity and your marriage requires intentional practices and clear communication. This episode shares my five-step approach to handling busy seasons with grace while keeping my relationship strong and cooperative.• Start each day with focused prayer to identify what truly matters that day• Ask for help confidently, remembering that it allows others the opportunity to serve• Let your spouse know exactly how they can support you during busy times• Make specific requests rather than general complaints about lack of help• Keep "micro-disappointments" from becoming relationship-defining stories• Create detailed lists and delegate responsibilities to lighten your load• Practice saying "no" to protect your energy and relationships• Express appreciation for all help received and prioritize daily connection• Maintain relationship through daily check-ins, weekly date nights, and annual trips• Remember that teamwork in chaos comes from intentional communication

Tony and Elisa DiLorenzo of One Extraordinary Marriage discuss how busy couples can rekindle intimacy and connection through intentional time together. They reveal the biggest roadblocks to intimacy are lack of meaningful conversation and diminished sexual connection, with practical solutions for couples who feel like roommates.• The "we'll make time when..." trap leads many couples to disconnect by the time life finally slows down• Couples who delay nurturing their relationship often reach empty nester stage feeling like strangers• A time audit usually reveals at least 30 minutes daily that could be redirected to relationship building• Start with just 15 minutes of connection through card games, comedy clips, or simple physical touch• Difficult conversations may require a third-party facilitator to create safe space for both partners• Internal forgiveness work is essential for moving past resentment without necessarily verbalizing it• Children have free will—their choices aren't always a