Clarity On Fire

Remember in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire when Mad-Eye Moody (well, the Death Eater who was impersonating Mad-Eye Moody using Polyjuice Potion) briefly turned Draco Malfoy into a ferret that he bounced around the Great Hall, much to the delight of Harry, Ron, and Hermione? In half a second Draco was transfigured from an unmanageable problem—a persistent bully and nemesis that the trio shared years of baggage and enmity with—to, as Ron put it, “a great, bouncing ferret.” And even though we can’t transfigure out problems that easily, it’s not for lack of trying! In this brand-new side chat, we’re getting into the tendency to fixate on a surface-level problem—AKA the smaller thing that feels more manageable—instead of the deeper, less tangible problem that you often feel helpless to solve. We talked about… Examples like fixating on getting a new job because your marriage is failing, or nitpicking your body/image when you’re feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or depressed. The 3 red flags that pop up when you’r

I’ll admit, a lot of what motivates me in my writing and coaching can be boiled down to something I’d call “professional outrage.” I know I’m supposed to be non-judgy and infinitely patient. And I am with my clients because they’re cool people and they deserve that from me, always. But there are some things that I straight up loathe. (As in, when I come across them, my eyes narrow and my nostrils flame and I acquire a Draco-Malfoy-worthy sneer.) And while there are many things I could hate on, for now I’m going to focus on only one. When it comes to looking for a job, here’s a sampling of things that ruffle my professional feathers: Career articles that purport to have the “5 best things to say” in your cover letter or résumé (or similarly phrased B.S. “list-icles” like this). Well-meaning but inexperienced people who give you advice that’s more about what they’d do in your situation, not necessarily what you should do. Bad career counselors who say they don’t know how to help you if you want to do something

Let’s be honest: All of us have an inner control freak that likes to surface from time to time (or maybe has fully taken over and is running our lives!). And it makes sense — we’re wired, by nature, to hate uncertainty and want clarity, answers, and a solid plan, preferably before taking any action. Our inner control freak is trying to quell our anxiety about what’s on the horizon, but the need to control everything (and maybe everyone) in our lives ends up creating even more anxiety, because nothing ever goes according to plan. Caela Gray knows all too well how stressful life can feel when you let your inner control freak run the show. She made the radical decision earlier this year to do less, relax more, and not always have a plan for everything. She was afraid her life would devolve into chaos, but what happened instead was almost magical: her relationships improved, amazing opportunities came out of the blue, and she felt more clear-minded than ever. Listen in to this week’s interview with a normal perso

I have this fantasy of one day having a life where everything is in perfect balance. I’m putting out quality work, exercising daily, nurturing all of my relationships, getting plenty of sleep, making smart financial decisions, maintaining a clean home, making green juices every morning and healthy meals every night, and leaving plenty of time for fun and relaxation. And eventually I imagine adding kids and pets into the equation (without disrupting the balance of everything else, of course). Intellectually, I know this is unrealistic, but I can’t help that a small part of me still hopes this fantasy will come true. Can you relate? I’m reluctantly realizing that, as long as I stay attached to the myth of a perfectly balanced life, I’ll always be slightly critical of my current, imbalanced, messy life, judging it for what it *should* be. So I’ve decided I need to take a good, hard look at this whole “balance” thing and shift my mindset around it once and for all. Otherwise, my longing for a perfectly balanced l

Welcome to another episode of Dear Krachel, a monthly advice segment where we answer audience questions about life, career, relationships, existential angst, and anything that helps you become a more whole, fulfilled version of yourself. On this episode, we’re answering questions from: Muddled Muggle, who heard our Enneagram series back in August and had a shocking realization that she’s not the personality type she’d assumed she was for years! Is this normal? Can someone’s personality type change? And what does it mean if it does? LaLa, who’s struggling to enter into a healthy relationship because of baggage she has around men, thanks in large part to her upbringing and questionable cultural messages. How can she change her distorted beliefs about men and have a healthy relationship? Laura, who’s in a bit of a lurch after she left her job with plans to move abroad, but then the timeline of the move got pushed back to 2020. She doesn’t want to blow through her savings, but she also doesn’t want to start a ne

There’s a time and place for more grounded, astute, in-depth reflections about life and what to do about your problems (that’s what blogs and, you know, every other episode of this podcast are for). But sometimes you just need a good, righteous rant. It’s cathartic! So, every once in a while, instead of writing a new blog or republishing an old one, I’m going to spend a few minutes getting fired up about something, in the hopes that I’ll get you fired up, too, and maybe even snap you out of whatever daze you’ve found yourself in. Today I’m ranting about the fact that, no duh, life is hard, people! And you deserve a lot more credit for maneuvering through the difficulty than you’re giving yourself. I got into… Why you’re allowed to be appalled by the amount of work you have to do to be a functioning human. Why feeling bad about “first world problems” isn’t necessary. Some major signs that our society is NOT handling the pressure and expectations of a modern work/life very well. Why you should give yourself pe

One of the heartbreaking things about the human experience is that it’s both universal and incredibly isolating. Every single person, whether they’d admit to it or not, feels unworthy in some way. And yet most of us walk around feeling like there’s something wrong with us; that we’re particularly broken compared to other people. And we fear giving voice to that “brokenness,” because what happens when another person sees the darkest side of who we are? Our friend Thais Sky—a coach and therapist-in-training—has made it her life’s work to explore and help heal that pervasive sense of “not-enough-ness” she calls “the worthiness wound.” In this episode we dove DEEP with Thais and got into: What the worthiness wound is, and who/what created it in the first place. Why certain emotions feel SO uncomfortable, including ones (like happiness) that you’d think would be easy to experience. The signs you’ve got an unhealed worthiness wound, and to recognize the triggers as they come up. How to start letting your feelings

A client of mine is a teacher for elementary school kids. Every day, she gives her kids some free time in the afternoon to play games, be creative, and generally take a break from structured learning to have a little fun. A few weeks ago, after she explained all of the different “stations” they could play at during free time (coloring, origami, music, games, building with blocks, etc.), most of the kids ran off to their favorite station. One little boy, though, stood paralyzed at the front of the room, tears welling in his eyes. My client crouched down and asked him, “What’s wrong, sweetie? Why are you so upset?” “I like all of these stations. It’s too hard to choose one,” he said, fully crying now. My client told me later, “You have no idea how much I related to him in that moment! I’m constantly in analysis paralysis, overanalyzing my options and feeling totally overwhelmed. Seeing that kid just standing there, crying and paralyzed at the front of my classroom … my heart went out to him because I feel the e

All of us have either been the person who, even if they know it’s happening, can’t stop dating carbon copies of the same person over and over again; OR we’ve been the friend watching it happen, wanting to beat our head (and our friend’s head) against the wall. And if that doesn’t resonate, maybe you’ve been the person who keeps seeking praise and validation from a boss who’s stingy with compliments, or maybe you’ve been the person who really wants to get close to people but runs away as soon as things get too vulnerable. How you show up in relationships—romantic, platonic, professional, familial—is VERY much influenced by your attachment style. There are 4 styles, and only one of them is healthy. And none of us have just 1 style (sooo … do the math—that means we’ve all got at least some unhealthy relationship patterns). In this brand-new side chat we’re getting into some Psych 101 and breaking down: Each of the 4 attachment styles—What they mean, and where they came from. Why attachment theory explains SO mu

OK fellow Millennials (and really, everyone, because who hasn’t seen this movie?) … do you remember that scene in Aladdin where Genie (RIP our beloved Robin Williams) is describing what it’s like to be a genie? His whole form expands to fill the room while he bellows in a deep, booming voice: “PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER!” … and then he shrinks into his lamp and concludes in a quiet, high-pitched voice, “itty bitty living space.” One of my clients and I were reminiscing about this recently because it’s the PERFECT visual for what, quite frankly, is wrong with the way we talk about ourselves (at least in the Western world). My client, Kayla, has been struggling to figure out how to define herself given that, right now, she doesn’t have a traditional career or paying job (she’s been a stay-at-home mom for a few years). She was feeling pressured, given that her kids are more self-sufficient now, to pick a career path — she believed that having a “title” again (besides “mom”) would solve her identity crisis and earn

As a grown, independent person living in the almost-2020s, it would be highly embarrassing to admit that you secretly hope for a knight in shining armor to sweep you off your feet like a damsel in distress. You can pay your own bills and don’t need rescuing, thank-you-very-much. BUT … while most of us have gotten over the desire for a savior when it comes to romance, a LOT of us are still very much hung up on the idea of a job that might save us. And frankly, it’s just as codependent and problematic as hoping a person will save you! In this month’s interview with a normal person, Rachel talks to her client Sarah about how she got over her need to be rescued, and what happened when she let go of control and let her career sort itself out. Rachel and Sarah got into… Why hanging all your hopes for happiness on a job is unhealthy and unhelpful. The small thing Sarah did (for 5 minutes a day) that she credits for completely turning her life around. How Sarah went from having no idea where her career was going to

Here’s a metaphor for you: You’re a tree. You’ve got lots of branches—career, romance, friends, family, hobbies, health—but only one trunk. If your “career” branch is feeling lackluster, does it really make sense to spend a lot of time pruning, clipping, and sprucing just that branch? Isn’t it likely that if one branch is withering, all of the branches might be affected? And in that case, why not direct your attention to the (brace yourself for a pun) root of the matter? It seems like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised by how many people are busy trying to perfect one branch of their tree without doing any of the deeper work needed to help the whole system thrive. So instead of a new blog, and to highlight the fact that we’re taking on about 20 new coaching clients starting today (info below!), in today’s podcast episode we’re expanding on this metaphor by getting into why career coaching has almost nothing to do with your career. We’re talking about … Why a new job is never the solution to your misery (ev

Welcome to another episode of Dear Krachel, a monthly advice segment where we answer audience questions about life, career, relationships, existential angst, and anything that helps you become a more whole, fulfilled version of yourself. On this episode, we’re answering questions from: Carly, who’s embroiled in a stand-off with her boss. Carly just wants to be allowed to work with the patients that suit her specialty, her boss says she’s being difficult (and is talking about Carly behind her back). How can she get her boss to drop her guard and actually listen? Allana Marie, a woman in her early 20’s who just met a 30-year-old “dream guy.” He has a successful career, earns good money, and lives on his own. She has an unstable career and lives with her family. How can she be honest with him about how “unsuccessful” she is in comparison? Lizzie, who says she’s “built for retirement” and hates working, but know she has to do it to pay the bills. She changes job every 2 years after getting restless, and wishes t

I’m slightly obsessed with Malcolm Gladwell’s podcast Revisionist History. It appeals to my nerdy, inquisitive side. In case you’re curious, here’s the official description of his podcast: “Revisionist History is Malcolm Gladwell's journey through the overlooked and the misunderstood. Every episode re-examines something from the past — an event, a person, an idea, even a song — and asks whether we got it right the first time. Because sometimes the past deserves a second chance.” In the latest season of his podcast, he started out with a two-part series about the LSAT, in which he described a distinct difference between two types of people that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about since I originally heard it months ago. He categorized most people as being either “tortoises” or “hares.” Whether you’re a tortoise or a hare impacts everything in your life, from the way you work, to the way you communicate, to the way you think. Neither is better or worse, but trying to go against your type is going to feel

If you knew there was a pill you could take that was known to decrease stress, lift you out of anxiety and depression, seriously improve your mood, ease your digestion, help you sleep better, and allow you to discover and make peace with who you really are, while being absolutely free and having zero harmful side effects … you’d be clamoring to take it, right?? So then why are so many of us not meditating? Because that’s just a fraction of what meditation can do for us. In this month’s interview with an expert, we’re talking to Francisca Hernandez (you may recognize her from the normal person interview Rachel did with her back in November, 2018), a certified meditation guide, about… How meditation helped her heal after a near-death medical incident, as well as helped her stop abusing drugs and alcohol. All of the benefits, some you know and some you won’t, of incorporating meditation into your daily routine. What to do if meditation feels really difficult or tends to bring up a lot of anxiety and uncomfortab

One of my favorite movies of all time is Moonstruck, starring Cher and Nicolas Cage. Even if you haven’t seen it, you’d probably recognize the scene where Nic Cage’s character sighs, in his dopey way, that he’s in love with Cher’s character. And then Cher rears back, slaps him in the face twice, for good measure, and says, “Snap out of it!” Well this new podcast segment is me, stepping into my inner Cher and doing what I love—snapping people out of it. There’s a time and place for more grounded, astute, in-depth reflections about life and what to do about your problems (that’s what blogs and, you know, every other episode of this podcast are for). But sometimes you just need a good, righteous rant. It’s cathartic! So, every once in a while, instead of writing a new blog or republishing an old one, I’m going to spend a few minutes getting fired up about something, in the hopes that I’ll get you fired up, too, and maybe even snap you out of whatever daze you’ve found yourself in. Today I’m ranting about why bei

Everyone is, or has been, in denial many times over the course of their life. And if you think this episode won’t apply to you, think again! You may be in denial about being in denial. Meta. Denial isn’t inherently bad or wrong, though it’s understandable if you’ve thought so. It’s actually a pretty normal form of self-protection — sometimes it’s just too hard to face something, or you’ve got too many other layers to peel back before you can get to the deeper heart of the issue. But people often don’t move through those layers of self-revelation. They get stuck (heads buried in the sand, naturally) in denial, which then wreaks havoc on their life. The truth always wants to get out, and sometimes we end up doing an elaborate dance to keep the truth stuffed down. So, how do we know for sure that we’re in denial? And how do we actually look at something that we’ve been unwilling to see, often for a very long time? In this brand-new side chat we’re getting into 7 signs that you’re in denial, which include… Makin

As you can probably imagine, a lot of the people I coach are currently on the hunt for a new job. Some of them are desperate for a new job, like, yesterday … and others are happy where they’re at for now, but know this isn’t their “forever” career, so they want to be open to new opportunities. Whatever your reason for looking for a new job, I wish I could tell you with complete sincerity that job searching is usually a breeze … but most of the time, that’s a big fat lie. Now, I’ve taken enough clients successfully through the job searching process that I know for a fact there are ways to make the job hunt significantly simpler, more effective, and generally less miserable. (We actually provide a detailed worksheet in our Passion Profile Short Course all about “Job Searching According to your Values,” which has been a game-changer for our clients.) But most of the time, job searching kinda sucks. Not to be a total downer, but I think most of you would agree that it can be time-consuming, frustrating, and overw

Francine Mends’ life is unrecognizable from four years ago when she was feeling trapped and miserable in her highly specialized field of neuroradiology, with no escape in sight. After a series of personal tragedies that emotionally shook her to her core, she decided to finally make some serious (and scary) changes in her life, including doing something she never imagined she could do: take a year-long sabbatical from work. Since then, she’s quit her job, lived internationally, worked as a digital nomad, and started her own business. Listen in to this week’s interview with a normal person as Kristen and Francine talk about… How she broke through her self-imposed limitations to finally make big life changes that she never imagined she could make. How she was able to take a year-long sabbatical from work to travel the world and get right within herself. Once she realized she wanted to work for herself, how she figured out what business to start. Her criteria for choosing a bridge job to support her new business

As an introvert, I love alone time. It recharges me and keeps me sane. But “alone” is a different sensation than “lonely,” and I’ve all too often felt lonely, even though I enjoy being alone. Being alone can be thrilling and energizing, mostly because it’s a luxury that we don’t always have when we live or work with other people. It’s like going on vacation—the reason it’s enjoyable is precisely because there’s a time limit. Going on a permanent vacation would be boring and purposeless. But loneliness isn’t at all dependent on who is or isn’t physically around you. It’s a form of isolation that you carry with you; sometimes it’s worse because you’re surrounded by other people. So, what is loneliness, exactly? I think there are two major varieties, and understanding them is critical to knowing what to do about your loneliness—because there’s definitely a wrong way to handle it. DID YOU KNOW WE HAVE FREE E-BOOKS? If you’re new to Clarity on Fire, you may not know that we have 4 free e-books for you to download!