Happiness Hacks

I can talk about the Voices In Your Head all day long. I work with clients every day living with High Functioning Anxiety. I live and breathe this language and these techniques. The Monger, the BFF, Your Biggest Fan–I literally wrote the book.  But today I wanted to share the experience of living with High Functioning Anxiety from the perspective of one of my clients. Michelle Steinhour came to me a few years ago consumed with self-doubt, insecurity and constant questioning. It was showing up in her marriage and in her work. She was looking for practical strategies that would help her feel less doubtful about herself. I introduced her to my Coach in Your Pocket and Michelle has seen a big shift in her anxiety. But, as she reminds us in today’s episode, it’s a life-long process. Michelle is in the trenches. She’s making the shifts and doing the work. She’s walking the path of the Happier Approach every day by listening in to the Voices In Her Head and reminding them who’s really in charge.  In today’s episode

There is a voice in your head.  She is the voice of kindness, generosity, and wisdom and I call her the Biggest Fan. Of the 3 characters that are at the core of the Happier Approach, she is the best of all worlds.  She holds the goals of your Monger (to be safe and secure) without shaming and belittling you. She provides the support and encouragement of your BFF (“you are awesome”) without giving you a free pass to do whatever you want. Your Biggest Fan always has your back, acknowledges your feelings, can see options, is wise about the struggle, and uses your values as guiding principles.  Your Biggest Fan is the how.  She is the one who will help you achieve your goals and be happier.  All this month we have been talking about the voices that carry on in your head. If you haven’t already, go back and take a listen: In Episode 110 we talked about how the Monger, that mean voice that shames and belittles you, telling you that you’re not good enough. In Episode 111 we talked about how the BFF has an amazing t

This Month we are talking about the 3 characters that chat at us throughout the day and are at the core of The Happier Approach.  Last week we talked about the Monger–the mean voice tells us we’re not good enough. Today, we are going to talk about the voice we most often use to counter our Monger: the BFF Our BFF enables us to rebel against the voice of our Monger. When we get tired of our Monger criticizing us, we bring in our BFF for a little self-compassion. Our BFF is the one who always has our back. She is the type of BFF who is always willing to risk getting into trouble and is always there to defend us. But she is not about holding our feet to the fire or keeping us accountable.  She is very good at finding us justification and someone else to blame. She is all about helping us feel special. She is kind and wants us to feel good about ourselves. In her mind, responsibility, accountability, and restraint do not apply.  Listening to our BFF can be risky. Our BFF loves false self-compassion and uses it as

There is a voice in your head. It is a horrible voice that tells you that you are a slow, stupid loser who will never succeed. It tells you that everyone but you has it figured out and that at any moment you are going to be found out for the fraud that you are. That voice in your head? That is the voice of the Monger. Everyone has a Monger, but those of us with High Functioning Anxiety have an exceptionally loud and nasty Monger. Many of us aren't even aware of how much the Monger is talking to us. We know that we are feeling anxious or stressed, but are unaware that it is coming from an internal voice–a voice of belittling, name-calling, and just plain nastiness.  This voice can viciously chatter at us all day, every day, and we just push through. There are other voices in your head–the BFF and the Biggest Fan–but of the 3 characters that are at the core of The Happier Approach, the Monger is the loudest of them all.  That is why we are starting this month series about the voices in our head by talking

I come from a long, proud line of women dealing with High Functioning Anxiety. And never is this more apparent than during the holidays. Take my mom, for instance. She loves the holidays and wants to make them as fantastic and magical as possible. But, as those of us with High Functioning Anxiety will understand, she has a tendency to overperform and over function during the holiday season. And, as a result, the expectations and responsibilities of the festivities can be overwhelming.  This is why I thought it would be appropriate to conclude this month’s conversation around High Functioning Anxiety in our everyday lives by taking a closer look at how High Functioning Anxiety reveals itself during the holidays. In the spirit of the season, I am going to explore 4 holiday landmines that can take your High Functioning Anxiety through the roof and offer some tips to help you ease your anxiety and enjoy yourself.  In today’s episode:   4 Holiday Landmines:     Quietly meeting or exceeding everyone else’s exp

Shame is at the root of all anxiety. Everyone who struggles with anxiety has an underlying belief that they are unworthy, unqualified, a fraud. This belief causes them to worry and anxiously ruminate over feelings of shame and unworthiness.  We expect people with generalized anxiety, the kind of anxiety we've come to know through TV and memes – hiding out, not engaging, numbing – to respond to these feelings by disappearing into themselves. This reaction is triggered by their shame. But not you. High Functioning Anxiety sends you down a different path.   No, your response is to over function. Your High Functioning Anxiety has you convinced that the way through the shame is to push yourself more, to accomplish more, to people please, hustle, and polish it all to perfection. All of this in the hope that you can relieve the feelings of shame and anxiety.  This month on The Happier Approach we’ve been talking about how High Functioning Anxiety plays out in your everyday life. And no conversation about High F

You are leading a double life. On the outside, you appear to be the most “with it” woman anyone is ever going to meet–calm, cool, and collected. But on the inside, you are an over-analyzing storm of self-doubt, stress, and anxiety.  Those of us with High Functioning Anxiety have developed coping skills and have become so good at hiding our anxiety, even our friends and family would never guess what lay under the surface.  But these coping skills have left us feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and still full of anxiety. And what makes it worse, everyone around us sees us as being able to handle anything and just keeps piling on more and more.  The coping mechanisms that use to help, are now hurting us but we feel we can’t stop because they are all we know.  “Okay okay,” you say. “But what am I supposed to do with that?” It starts with recognizing when your High Functioning Anxiety is running the show. Once we start learning to recognize the signs of High Functioning Anxiety and developing the coping skills to dea

To your family, friends, and coworkers, you’re the one who always has it together.  You look out for all the details, attend all the meetings, make sure the bills get paid and plan the next vacation to Disney. On the inside, you’re wondering if you're the only one who cares or is even capable of getting things done.  If you don't do this, no one else will.  Everything you have, you have because you were willing to be the one who went the extra mile.  Except... Living and thinking this way isn't sustainable. This level of control and anxiety is negatively affecting your relationships and your health, both mentally and physically. And it doesn't have to be this way.  Yes, we are the ones taking care of business and yes on the outside, those of us with High Functioning Anxiety appear calm, focused, and on top of it.  But this isn’t what’s going on in the inside. Inside we are stressed, angry, and resentful that no one else cares as much as we do. The challenge is that we are hooked. The benef

I didn’t want to experience life–I wanted to master it. I was too caught up in my goals to enjoy what was right in front of me. I figured that when I checked all the boxes on my goal list, then I would finally be happy: WHEN I have a life partner THEN this experience will be awesome WHEN I am thinner THEN I will be happier WHEN I am less busy THEN life will be more peaceful WHEN I am more present THEN I will be content And because I wasn’t present in the moment, not living in the moment was holding me back   We live our lives in When Then statements. We spend too much of our time waiting, hoping, wishing for our broken selves to be fixed so THEN we can be happy.  What if you aren’t doing anything wrong? What is happiness isn’t something you attain permanently? What if you are thinking about it wrong? All this month we are looking at how the self-help isn’t doing us any favors and is leading us astray, particularly those of us with High Functioning Anxiety who love looking outside of ourselves for the answer

Recently my husband had an extended hospital stay.  The number one question I received from my well-meaning friends and family was: How are you going to take care of yourself while he is in the hospital?  “The best I can,” I told them. But this just did not satisfy their curiosity.  They wanted to hear about all the bubble baths, yoga, and meditation I had planned for this stressful time. But I knew better. There wasn’t a bubble bath in the world that was going to make this easier.  My husband was in the hospital. It was going to be stressful. I didn’t know what to expect. The self-help industry’s’ idea of self-care wasn’t going to be any help.  I was simply going to do the best I can. All this month we are looking at how the self-help industry has sold us a bunch of toxic information. And for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety who love looking outside of ourselves for the answers, this toxicity is especially troubling. In today’s episode, I take a closer look at self-care and how it isn’t just yoga, b

You’ve heard that winning isn’t everything but deep down you know that isn’t true. Striving to be the best is how you keep your edge.  In the last episode, I discussed the self-help industry’s positive thinking problem. In today’s episode of the Happier Approach, I discuss with Clair Booth, author of The Achiever Fever Cure: How I Learned to Stop Striving Myself Crazy, what it takes to start flourishing without being a high achiever. Claire was a successful but stressed-out market research entrepreneur and executive suffering from what she calls "achiever fever"—constant striving coupled with chronic feelings of inadequacy. Sick and tired of feeling miserable--but ever the self-help skeptic--Claire decided to try anything that might bring relief, from mindfulness to martial arts, from spending ten days in silence to "smiling" at her spleen. At first, Claire was fearful that slowing down and softening up will mean losing her professional edge.  Instead, she discovered a more joyful and purp

Last time we started pulling back the curtain on the toxicity that exists in the self-help industry. Today on the Happier Approach we examine one of the most toxic ideas pushed by the industry: positive thinking. One of the most misleading concepts that the self-help industry teaches is the benefit positive thinking – change your thoughts and stop feeling so negative! If it were that easy – if all we had to do was put on our rose-colored glasses – why are so many people still depressed, anxious and overwhelmed? It is my theory that the self-improvement industry is selling the wrong thing. We don’t need to simply “think positively.” Instead, we need to quiet the cacophony of positive thinking messages that come our way on a daily basis--and listen in to our own inner peace. Listen to the full episode to find out: How the message of positive thinking is holding us back and even harming us Where our belief in the positive psychology movement originated How research contradicts the claims of the positive psychol

Live your best life, think positively, high vibes only! Frankly, it’s become toxic.  Over the next few episodes of The Happier Approach, we’ll be taking an in-depth look at the personal growth industry just might be making your anxiety worse.   I’ll be sharing the tools and resources I use with myself and clients to quiet the cacophony of positive thinking messages that come our way on a daily basis--and listen in to our own inner peace. Listen to the full episode to find out: How the self-help industry is especially dangerous for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety How I almost single-handedly kept her local Borders afloat (spoiler: I didn’t) Why “radical acceptance” changed everything for me--but what I had to do first before I could fully accept myself (you can start this today) Why leaning into your value for loyalty is the key to building a new relationship with yourself and your anxiety Some of the research and resources mentioned in this episode: The Science Daily research study Tara Brach’s

Happiness Hacks is now The Happier Approach! Join licensed professional counselor and coach, Nancy Jane Smith, as she shares tools, resources, and inspiration for women living with High Functioning Anxiety. If you’ve ever felt like the world might fall apart around you if you took a minute to rest, this is the show for you. For more information on High Functioning Anxiety, The Happier Approach, and Nancy Jane Smith visit: http://live-happier.com

Today I am celebrating Episode 100!  Yippee!!  I am looking back on my top 7 episodes and giving you some behind the scene look at what I was feeling/thinking as I recorded them and a bit of back story.  Also sharing what is coming next for Happiness Hacks and why my Monger has been so loud!!   

This week I had an ah-ha when I noticed I was stressed to the max but was telling myself 'everything is fine'. My body was screaming stress and my anxiety was in full force, but my mind was trying to convince me it was no big deal. This is a classic pattern of High Functioning Anxiety listen to see how to recognize the pattern and what to do about it. Read the transcript at http://live-happier.com/episode-099 Download the Feelings Handout: http://bit.ly/whatamIfeeling

In episode 097, I described High Functioning Anxiety today I am looking at what do about it and why just overcoming perfectionism or setting boundaries won't work.

Today I am looking at the term High Functioning Anxiety. What is it? Why I think it is important to differentiate from anxiety and how to know you might be dealing with it.

I am BACK! So excited to be back chatting with you.  Today I am sharing my personal story of both Resistance and Procrastination when it comes to the Happiness Hacks Podcast. Sometimes it is hard to tell which you are experiencing. Hope this episode helps!!

So many of my clients talk about feeling invisible. The issue isn't that they aren't showing up in their lives or that they don't feel seen. The problem is they feel seen not for themselves but for how they SHOULD be performing. Do you agree? Listen and let me know. Special Note: Listen carefully around the 3-minute mark our cat Gus makes his voice known...he is practicing being visible!!